Chapter 8
I sat alone in the courtyard.
My body language pretty much kept those that wanted to say something at bay. Someone would approach and I would just look up and shake my head. They understood. They know that feeling.
Just leave me alone.
I am starting to feel like I need to make some serious changes. I have been here for almost a week. My head is clearing and I still am angry. I am angry for not fully understanding my disease.
It so easy for people to tell you that you drink too much. It so easy for people to say that you just need to stop drinking. It so easy for people to not understand the bondage and the confusion. How much I want to stop but can't. I am different then you. My chemical make-up, my genetic code or whatever it is that fuels this is different. If it was easy I would have done it a long time ago. My first car crash. My first blackout. My first broken heart.
Alcoholism and drug addiction is the only disease that people hate you for having.
Oh look at that guy. He is SUCH a fucking alcoholic...
I would love to see them say that shit to a cancer patient.
Steve would be such a great guy if he just wasn't so... so... CANCEROUS
The hard part for me is actually believing that it IS a disease. They keep telling me that here and I want to buy into that but I still want to have control over it. I want to be able to drink and not lose every bit of ability to stop. I know that under it all is deeper issues. I know that I am going to have to come to terms with all of it. My soul. My pain.
Me.
I sit here and smoke in the rain and I know that something has to change. I just don't want to admit that the something is "everything".
My exchange with Erroll this morning makes me realize that everything I hate about him is really everything I hate about me. I want attention. I will walk on people to get it.
I hate being alone.
When I am alone I have to face myself. I have to start thinking about how I am not doing anything of real importance in my life. I am drifting on a sea of Jack Daniels. I am searching for escape.
Escape from myself.
So much to think about. What am I going to do when I get out of here. I can't live the same way that I was. I can't be around the same people. The same places.
Everything has to change.
Tears.
Always the tears.
********************************
My body language pretty much kept those that wanted to say something at bay. Someone would approach and I would just look up and shake my head. They understood. They know that feeling.
Just leave me alone.
I am starting to feel like I need to make some serious changes. I have been here for almost a week. My head is clearing and I still am angry. I am angry for not fully understanding my disease.
It so easy for people to tell you that you drink too much. It so easy for people to say that you just need to stop drinking. It so easy for people to not understand the bondage and the confusion. How much I want to stop but can't. I am different then you. My chemical make-up, my genetic code or whatever it is that fuels this is different. If it was easy I would have done it a long time ago. My first car crash. My first blackout. My first broken heart.
Alcoholism and drug addiction is the only disease that people hate you for having.
Oh look at that guy. He is SUCH a fucking alcoholic...
I would love to see them say that shit to a cancer patient.
Steve would be such a great guy if he just wasn't so... so... CANCEROUS
The hard part for me is actually believing that it IS a disease. They keep telling me that here and I want to buy into that but I still want to have control over it. I want to be able to drink and not lose every bit of ability to stop. I know that under it all is deeper issues. I know that I am going to have to come to terms with all of it. My soul. My pain.
Me.
I sit here and smoke in the rain and I know that something has to change. I just don't want to admit that the something is "everything".
My exchange with Erroll this morning makes me realize that everything I hate about him is really everything I hate about me. I want attention. I will walk on people to get it.
I hate being alone.
When I am alone I have to face myself. I have to start thinking about how I am not doing anything of real importance in my life. I am drifting on a sea of Jack Daniels. I am searching for escape.
Escape from myself.
So much to think about. What am I going to do when I get out of here. I can't live the same way that I was. I can't be around the same people. The same places.
Everything has to change.
Tears.
Always the tears.
********************************
posted by steve at 12:06 PM
2 Comments:
Absoltely amazing....the whole of it and your ability to tell it. God is gonna use this!!!
People that knew the old me still think they can get my disease. Like I have leprosy or something. Tough sometimes to hold your head high and know what you are doing is the right thing. It's hard to find people that actually understand and accept you as you.
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