Chapter 12
Where did it really start getting bad?
When did I realize I wanted out?
When did I realize no matter how hard I tried I couldn't?
Christian College.
I could drink up a storm and no one would care. I could do whatever I wanted. I didn't have to answer to anyone.
The question of why I chose a Christian College is one I have been thinking about while I am here in treatment. The program seems to rely so heavily on God and I have always believed in God.
I was in a youth group that traveled when I was in junior high and high school. I was a choir boy. I just remember how wonderful it felt to sing about God. I loved it. I loved to sing. Singing has been my escape for as long as I can remember and there was just something that happened to me when I sang about God.
I just never carried any of that outside of singing in the church youth choir.
Believe and follow are two completely different things.
I went to college to sing and play soccer. By my Junior year I was doing neither. I went to a Christian College and outside of being in choir for a while I didn't attend one church service.
Not one.
************************************
I got into quite a bit of trouble my freshman year at college. All of it because of the "No Alcohol on campus" rule. I actually get written up my first day. There is a threat of expulsion my first year.
Slack.
I start smoking pot every day. The day that I can't find any I scrape the resin from my pipes and smoke that.
I binge drink. Not everyday. When I do drink it is usually until I blackout. I lose big portions of evenings. The confusion of waking up and not knowing what I had done. Who I had done it with.
I sleep with girls that I don't even remember names.
or faces.
Most college guys wear these like badges of honor.
Each one for me is a tremendous guilt that builds like a giant wall around my soul. Brick by brick. All of it translates to guilt.
No outlet for my guilt. I drink to suppress it. I feel guilty for drinking.
Cycles.
I discover other drugs. Mushrooms. Acid. Cocaine. All of these I wish I had never taken. Guilt.
Acid is the one that still terrifies me. Some doors are shut for a reason.
All of this time I can feel God tugging at my heart.
Some doors we shut ourselves.
I am one giant party. College is one giant party. I am the guy that people love to party with. I don't have a stop button. I am funny. I am crazy. Inside I scream with more pain then I can handle and I don't let anyone know. I can't let anyone know.
I have to always appear to have a wonderful life. I need people to like me. I get a tremendous amount of satisfaction from the attention. I am who they want me to be. I am no self control.
To them I am free.
When did I realize I wanted out?
When did I realize no matter how hard I tried I couldn't?
Christian College.
I could drink up a storm and no one would care. I could do whatever I wanted. I didn't have to answer to anyone.
The question of why I chose a Christian College is one I have been thinking about while I am here in treatment. The program seems to rely so heavily on God and I have always believed in God.
I was in a youth group that traveled when I was in junior high and high school. I was a choir boy. I just remember how wonderful it felt to sing about God. I loved it. I loved to sing. Singing has been my escape for as long as I can remember and there was just something that happened to me when I sang about God.
I just never carried any of that outside of singing in the church youth choir.
Believe and follow are two completely different things.
I went to college to sing and play soccer. By my Junior year I was doing neither. I went to a Christian College and outside of being in choir for a while I didn't attend one church service.
Not one.
************************************
I got into quite a bit of trouble my freshman year at college. All of it because of the "No Alcohol on campus" rule. I actually get written up my first day. There is a threat of expulsion my first year.
Slack.
I start smoking pot every day. The day that I can't find any I scrape the resin from my pipes and smoke that.
I binge drink. Not everyday. When I do drink it is usually until I blackout. I lose big portions of evenings. The confusion of waking up and not knowing what I had done. Who I had done it with.
I sleep with girls that I don't even remember names.
or faces.
Most college guys wear these like badges of honor.
Each one for me is a tremendous guilt that builds like a giant wall around my soul. Brick by brick. All of it translates to guilt.
No outlet for my guilt. I drink to suppress it. I feel guilty for drinking.
Cycles.
I discover other drugs. Mushrooms. Acid. Cocaine. All of these I wish I had never taken. Guilt.
Acid is the one that still terrifies me. Some doors are shut for a reason.
All of this time I can feel God tugging at my heart.
Some doors we shut ourselves.
I am one giant party. College is one giant party. I am the guy that people love to party with. I don't have a stop button. I am funny. I am crazy. Inside I scream with more pain then I can handle and I don't let anyone know. I can't let anyone know.
I have to always appear to have a wonderful life. I need people to like me. I get a tremendous amount of satisfaction from the attention. I am who they want me to be. I am no self control.
To them I am free.
posted by steve at 10:35 AM
3 Comments:
Your last two paragraphs just described my best friend.
Steve,
God is so good, my friend. It's so huge that you're sharing all of this.
I am so moved.
Steve: your last two paragraphs here described me pre-salvation.
My friends would say, "yeah... I have this friend Stephanie... I can tell you which karaoke bar she's singing at every single night of the week." I was everywhere. I was visible. I was the life of the party. I was dying inside. Steve: I LOVE that you're doing this. I may not have gone down the drug route, but I get this. I totally and completely get this... and I love that you are baring your soul like this. It's nice to know I wasn't the only one...
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