Chapter 18
I agree to look for help.
I do an intake interview at a treatment facility. They want me to sign up. I just want to get my parents off my back. I know I am sick but I feel like somehow I can handle it. I feel like I am not going to let someone else tell me how to live.
I agree to go to AA meetings with Joel.
I attend my first meeting and I admit for the first time that I am an alcoholic. I cry. I can't even believe I am crying. I want no part of this. I have got to move out of my parents house.
I am 24.
I end up living with my brother. He isn't home a lot so I can hide how bad I am.
Perfect.
********************************************
The first time I see her in the restaurant bar I know I want to get to know her. She is a brunette and beautiful.
I start talking with her each time she comes in. Her name is Rachael. She tells me she is moving to San Diego in a month. Instead of just letting it go I pursue her. We spend a lot of time together before she leaves.
Looking back on it I realize how much I was just trying to fill the emptiness inside my soul. I was a cocaine addict and I just thought that maybe a woman would cure me.
I don't think I could have ever been more wrong in my life.
She ends up moving to California and I visit her shortly after. I tell her to come back. She says she will think about it.
I come back to find that I have lost my job.
Drinking.
It was the Friday night before I went to California. I was upstairs before my shift started. The margarita gun was still on in the service bar upstairs. 4 or 5 of us decided to have a few before work.
This is nothing new. I am in NO fear of losing my job. I have snorted coke in the managers office. I have drank with all of them. People love me.
Bulletproof.
The evening starts off just fine. Lots of playing and lots of singing. There is a couple large parties in the restaurant that want me to hang with them. I do. One of them keeps ordering extra shots for me to join in. I just can't say no to that.
I am wasted. I am actually walking up to tables and letting them know that I might not sound so hot because of the amount of drinks in me.
They laugh. Must all be part of the act.
Near the end of the evening the large party downstairs is good and rowdy. There is a guy there that is in a wife beater and has a tattoo of a sun on his left shoulder. I advise him that he is a candy ass and that the sun tattoo I have is 5 times that size. They want to see it.
So I show them. It covers all of my left thigh. I drop my pants to my ankles and show them. They cheer. Classic.
Two ladies in the corner thought otherwise.
The corporate office got called. I got fired.
I blame everyone else but myself.
******************************************
I get a job waiting tables at another Mexican restaurant in Portland. It is located in Chinatown. Lots of drugs dealt out of this bar. One of the bartenders is a Meth Addict.
Perfect.
I start snorting meth with him before shifts. I hate meth. It is poor mans cocaine. It is a white trash drug and I am so above that.
I am making so much less money then I am use to. I start stealing money from the restaurant to help pay for my habits. I start stealing alcohol from stores. Anything I can do to help pay the bills, so to speak.
I end up getting fired from this job for stealing.
Again, I blame everyone else.
I am miserable.
Then I get the phone call that she is moving back.
I do an intake interview at a treatment facility. They want me to sign up. I just want to get my parents off my back. I know I am sick but I feel like somehow I can handle it. I feel like I am not going to let someone else tell me how to live.
I agree to go to AA meetings with Joel.
I attend my first meeting and I admit for the first time that I am an alcoholic. I cry. I can't even believe I am crying. I want no part of this. I have got to move out of my parents house.
I am 24.
I end up living with my brother. He isn't home a lot so I can hide how bad I am.
Perfect.
********************************************
The first time I see her in the restaurant bar I know I want to get to know her. She is a brunette and beautiful.
I start talking with her each time she comes in. Her name is Rachael. She tells me she is moving to San Diego in a month. Instead of just letting it go I pursue her. We spend a lot of time together before she leaves.
Looking back on it I realize how much I was just trying to fill the emptiness inside my soul. I was a cocaine addict and I just thought that maybe a woman would cure me.
I don't think I could have ever been more wrong in my life.
She ends up moving to California and I visit her shortly after. I tell her to come back. She says she will think about it.
I come back to find that I have lost my job.
Drinking.
It was the Friday night before I went to California. I was upstairs before my shift started. The margarita gun was still on in the service bar upstairs. 4 or 5 of us decided to have a few before work.
This is nothing new. I am in NO fear of losing my job. I have snorted coke in the managers office. I have drank with all of them. People love me.
Bulletproof.
The evening starts off just fine. Lots of playing and lots of singing. There is a couple large parties in the restaurant that want me to hang with them. I do. One of them keeps ordering extra shots for me to join in. I just can't say no to that.
I am wasted. I am actually walking up to tables and letting them know that I might not sound so hot because of the amount of drinks in me.
They laugh. Must all be part of the act.
Near the end of the evening the large party downstairs is good and rowdy. There is a guy there that is in a wife beater and has a tattoo of a sun on his left shoulder. I advise him that he is a candy ass and that the sun tattoo I have is 5 times that size. They want to see it.
So I show them. It covers all of my left thigh. I drop my pants to my ankles and show them. They cheer. Classic.
Two ladies in the corner thought otherwise.
The corporate office got called. I got fired.
I blame everyone else but myself.
******************************************
I get a job waiting tables at another Mexican restaurant in Portland. It is located in Chinatown. Lots of drugs dealt out of this bar. One of the bartenders is a Meth Addict.
Perfect.
I start snorting meth with him before shifts. I hate meth. It is poor mans cocaine. It is a white trash drug and I am so above that.
I am making so much less money then I am use to. I start stealing money from the restaurant to help pay for my habits. I start stealing alcohol from stores. Anything I can do to help pay the bills, so to speak.
I end up getting fired from this job for stealing.
Again, I blame everyone else.
I am miserable.
Then I get the phone call that she is moving back.
posted by steve at 12:47 PM
6 Comments:
Man...you can't end it just there...can't wait to read more.
It's hard to believe this story is about the same man who's Blog I discorverd one day while flipping through. Wow, God has tranformed you and will continue to do so till you're a perfect reflection of his character one day. Cool to hear the journey.
Steve-
What an amazing testamony! I truly can not believe that the Steve I once knew went through this horriable hell! I am on pins and needles until the next chapter! you should have your story published!! It would help so many others out there that have gone through, or are now going through this sort of thing.
WOW! Eddo sent me to read this. I am amazed at what God has done in your life Steve. I can't wait to read on, you need to publish this when you get it finished!
wow--- that is amazing..
You are a gifted man...writing, singing, playing music...and you are brave. I'm reminded of David in the Old Testament...you are a man after God's own heart. You make mistakes, feel convicted, pray for change, and grow. Awesome!
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