Chapter 20
The one thing that we have in common is drinking.
In fact, that is all we do together. We go out and we drink.
She moves in with me at my brothers house. I know my brother doesn't like her at all and I can feel that from the very start. She also bad mouths my brother whenever she can. The same brother that is allowing her to live in his house for free.
We decide that we need to get our own place.
I get a job working for Nike downtown. It is a decent job that doesn't pay very good at all. When I interviewed the first time for the job I didn't get it. I think it is because I have hair halfway down my back. I decide to chop it all off and I get another interview. I get the job.
We move into an apartment. We drink daily.
We are terrible together.
*********************************
Sitting in rehab and writing out all of this and talking about it is the first time I have faced the pain of being with her. I never talked about it for the four years after I left.
I just stuffed it away and I drank to suppress the pain.
I know I have to go through all of this. I have to go through the hell to get better. I could write pages on the amount of fights that we get into. They are nasty hateful fights that I can't even believe I am a part of.
I decide that I should just focus on the big events. The Wedding. The arrests. Jail. The hospital.
The day that I prayed to God to set me free.
********************************
It rained on my wedding day. I think that really should have been the first indication that God was trying to tell me something. It was an outdoor wedding and the ceremony itself lasted about 5 minutes. I think the Devil himself cut it that short so I wouldn't come to my senses.
I didn't get married for love. I did not love this woman. I can't really place my finger completely on it. Inside of me I felt like this was what I deserved for being an alcoholic and addict. I also felt like somehow I could save this woman from the pain of her past as an abused child. Somehow I thought if I could do that I would be cured.
Sick thinking from a sick man. You can't change anyone. That is something that only happens with Divine help.
My wife told me horrible stories about being abused by her mother. They were stories that I had a hard time believing. I had met her mother on a couple of occasions and to tell you the truth I couldn't see the evil that she had told me about. To this day I don't know what the truth is. I just know it doesn't matter what I believe.
We get married and we get drunk.
I smoke the last cigarette and don't leave my beautiful new bride a smoke. She screams at me on our wedding night and calls me an asshole. We end up sleeping on opposite sides of the bed.
Memories.
The next year is filled with some of the worst moments of my life. She hates my family. She hates the fact they want to actually see me. She hates the fact that I play music and she won't let me play out in front of people. She tells me the only reason I do it is to have other women want me. If I do go out and play all hell breaks loose when I get home.
The verbal abuse turns to physical abuse. She starts slapping me whenever and wherever she feels I deserve it. At home.
In public.
I don't hit her back. Instead I punch walls. I drink with a furry.
My fun with police begins.
******************************
I FUCKING HATE YOU! YOU ARE A WORTHLESS ASSHOLE!!
We are in downtown Portland and she is just screaming at me on a street corner. We are both drunk. We are always both drunk. She is hysterical. The police are called.
She takes off and leaves me standing on a street corner baffled once again at how we got to that moment.
The police show up and I don't want to talk with them. All I want to do is find my wife. I tell them this. They don't care. I try and walk away and they don't let me.
I push one of the officers.
My first lesson of what not to do to a police officer.
I am taken to the ground and three police officers beat the absolute crap out of me. I get taken to Hooper detox and spend the night locked up. Bruised and passed out on the concrete floor.
****************************************
I know that I am not at all blameless in this relationship. I press her buttons all the time. When she gets verbal with me I don't back down anymore. I let her know how she makes me feel.
Our fights get really ugly. I just don't know what to do anymore.
The first time she made me bleed was the worst.
I decided I didn't want to listen to her any more and I went to sleep on the couch. I had just fallen asleep when she came downstairs.
She stood above me and stomped on my face with her Steve Madden pumps. I thank God that the couch had some give to it. The amount of blood that came out of my face was amazing. I went outside and I just stood in the dark and cried.
I cried and I bled.
By the time she came out to get me my shirt was covered in blood. She was very sweet when she came out to get me.
Let me clean you up. Let me clean you up.
That is all she said.
I told her I needed to go to the hospital and she didn't agree.
I drove myself to the emergency room to get seven stitches while she went back to sleep.
*********************************
MOMMY!
She has me by the throat and she has actually called me "Mommy".
I have two black eyes because she has punched me in the face about six times. I could have just taken one to the face but after she hit me once something inside me snapped.
Is that all you have Bitch?
The answer was "No"
Hell no.
She now had me by the throat and she had the look in her eyes. The look that says she wasn't there anymore. She had checked out and whatever evil darkness that lurked within was now in charge.
I remember going backwards down the flight of stairs.
The next thing I remember is being handcuffed by the police.
She had called the police on me and said I was trying to kill her. They handcuff me. I am bruised and bloody and she has no marks at all on her and they handcuff me.
She comes downstairs and gets right in my face.
See what happens when you fuck with me?
The cops decide to take her also. They handcuff her and it makes me smile.
The young happy couple.
***********************************************
Fingerprinted.
The Mugshot.
I am behind bars.
I wake up the next day. They serve us turkey.
It is Thanksgiving day and I am in jail with two black eyes.
There isn't one thing in the world that I can think of at this very moment that I am even close to thankful for.
In fact, that is all we do together. We go out and we drink.
She moves in with me at my brothers house. I know my brother doesn't like her at all and I can feel that from the very start. She also bad mouths my brother whenever she can. The same brother that is allowing her to live in his house for free.
We decide that we need to get our own place.
I get a job working for Nike downtown. It is a decent job that doesn't pay very good at all. When I interviewed the first time for the job I didn't get it. I think it is because I have hair halfway down my back. I decide to chop it all off and I get another interview. I get the job.
We move into an apartment. We drink daily.
We are terrible together.
*********************************
Sitting in rehab and writing out all of this and talking about it is the first time I have faced the pain of being with her. I never talked about it for the four years after I left.
I just stuffed it away and I drank to suppress the pain.
I know I have to go through all of this. I have to go through the hell to get better. I could write pages on the amount of fights that we get into. They are nasty hateful fights that I can't even believe I am a part of.
I decide that I should just focus on the big events. The Wedding. The arrests. Jail. The hospital.
The day that I prayed to God to set me free.
********************************
It rained on my wedding day. I think that really should have been the first indication that God was trying to tell me something. It was an outdoor wedding and the ceremony itself lasted about 5 minutes. I think the Devil himself cut it that short so I wouldn't come to my senses.
I didn't get married for love. I did not love this woman. I can't really place my finger completely on it. Inside of me I felt like this was what I deserved for being an alcoholic and addict. I also felt like somehow I could save this woman from the pain of her past as an abused child. Somehow I thought if I could do that I would be cured.
Sick thinking from a sick man. You can't change anyone. That is something that only happens with Divine help.
My wife told me horrible stories about being abused by her mother. They were stories that I had a hard time believing. I had met her mother on a couple of occasions and to tell you the truth I couldn't see the evil that she had told me about. To this day I don't know what the truth is. I just know it doesn't matter what I believe.
We get married and we get drunk.
I smoke the last cigarette and don't leave my beautiful new bride a smoke. She screams at me on our wedding night and calls me an asshole. We end up sleeping on opposite sides of the bed.
Memories.
The next year is filled with some of the worst moments of my life. She hates my family. She hates the fact they want to actually see me. She hates the fact that I play music and she won't let me play out in front of people. She tells me the only reason I do it is to have other women want me. If I do go out and play all hell breaks loose when I get home.
The verbal abuse turns to physical abuse. She starts slapping me whenever and wherever she feels I deserve it. At home.
In public.
I don't hit her back. Instead I punch walls. I drink with a furry.
My fun with police begins.
******************************
I FUCKING HATE YOU! YOU ARE A WORTHLESS ASSHOLE!!
We are in downtown Portland and she is just screaming at me on a street corner. We are both drunk. We are always both drunk. She is hysterical. The police are called.
She takes off and leaves me standing on a street corner baffled once again at how we got to that moment.
The police show up and I don't want to talk with them. All I want to do is find my wife. I tell them this. They don't care. I try and walk away and they don't let me.
I push one of the officers.
My first lesson of what not to do to a police officer.
I am taken to the ground and three police officers beat the absolute crap out of me. I get taken to Hooper detox and spend the night locked up. Bruised and passed out on the concrete floor.
****************************************
I know that I am not at all blameless in this relationship. I press her buttons all the time. When she gets verbal with me I don't back down anymore. I let her know how she makes me feel.
Our fights get really ugly. I just don't know what to do anymore.
The first time she made me bleed was the worst.
I decided I didn't want to listen to her any more and I went to sleep on the couch. I had just fallen asleep when she came downstairs.
She stood above me and stomped on my face with her Steve Madden pumps. I thank God that the couch had some give to it. The amount of blood that came out of my face was amazing. I went outside and I just stood in the dark and cried.
I cried and I bled.
By the time she came out to get me my shirt was covered in blood. She was very sweet when she came out to get me.
Let me clean you up. Let me clean you up.
That is all she said.
I told her I needed to go to the hospital and she didn't agree.
I drove myself to the emergency room to get seven stitches while she went back to sleep.
*********************************
MOMMY!
She has me by the throat and she has actually called me "Mommy".
I have two black eyes because she has punched me in the face about six times. I could have just taken one to the face but after she hit me once something inside me snapped.
Is that all you have Bitch?
The answer was "No"
Hell no.
She now had me by the throat and she had the look in her eyes. The look that says she wasn't there anymore. She had checked out and whatever evil darkness that lurked within was now in charge.
I remember going backwards down the flight of stairs.
The next thing I remember is being handcuffed by the police.
She had called the police on me and said I was trying to kill her. They handcuff me. I am bruised and bloody and she has no marks at all on her and they handcuff me.
She comes downstairs and gets right in my face.
See what happens when you fuck with me?
The cops decide to take her also. They handcuff her and it makes me smile.
The young happy couple.
***********************************************
Fingerprinted.
The Mugshot.
I am behind bars.
I wake up the next day. They serve us turkey.
It is Thanksgiving day and I am in jail with two black eyes.
There isn't one thing in the world that I can think of at this very moment that I am even close to thankful for.
posted by steve at 11:26 AM
5 Comments:
My Uncle and his ex wife had a similar relationship. I cannot count the number of times he went to the hospital because she beat the ever lovin heck out of him.
I thank God that he is with a wonderful woman now, and that they serve Him together.
Every word of your story is so moving, Steve. I am so thankful that you are in one piece and the Lord is with you.
God is good!
I read what you have written and the married part really hits home. I got married for all of the wrong reasons. I felt I had to. I lost the reasons as to why I got married and those two reasons are what saved me from a life filled with abuse. I look at my life, the drugs, the alcohol, all my demons and I keep thinking how could God possibly love me if I allowed him back in my life again? Just a thought anyway....
I wasn't going to comment in my blog but I have to say to you Kate that God is just waiting for you to fall facedown and give it all to Him. He already paid teh price for ALL of your Sin.
EVERY LAST BIT.
My story here doesnt get better. In fact I am still 4 years away from redemption.
Dont EVER think that God would reject you. Email me if you want to talk about it some time. I will give you my number if you need to talk some time.
No judgements. No Happy Christian "I dont have sin and you are the devil and I cant talk to you". I have been through it. All of it. God was on the other side
Kate - just wanted to echo steve:
God already loves you, He always has, He always will, you can NEVER go so far as to get away from His love.
The hardest step is to allow Him to love you, to go to Him and let Him show you His love. But after that step, after you go to Him, the freedom, the peace, it is overwhelming.
Talk to steve, he's been there and he knows the way out of that pain.
It's heartbreaking when you realize what people go through. Without God, things can get bad, can it? Wow. It hurts knowing people like you used to be and others are hurting so bad.
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