Chapter 21

Going through this for the first time is taking its toll on me.

I am alone in my room in rehab and I am writing all of this out and I see it on paper for the first time and realize I have this hate inside of me that I haven't been able to kill. I haven't been able to get rid of the extreme hate that I feel towards my ex-wife.

All I can write is the highlights. Am I actually calling them "highlights" in my head?

I know that I somehow have to get past this.

I know that I have to release it and to tell you the truth I don't really know how to. I know that the pain of being an abused husband and hiding and lying about it to everyone had taken its toll on me.

Having to go to work with black eyes and explain that I got elbowed playing basketball. Have I used this one yet? I avoid my family. I can't spend time with my family alone without her freaking out.

I go to a baseball game with my Dad in Seattle. She knows that we have planned this. When I get home she screams at me for leaving her alone. I am at a loss. I have no idea what the next thing is that will set her off. I think she is cheating on me.

I don't care.

I think there is a point that we reach where we have had enough. Where the pain gets so great that a decision has to be made.

I finally make mine.

We are out at a club and she is pissed off at me again. She is yelling at me and degrading me in front of other people. She is dancing with other men to piss me off. She is saying things to my face in front of them that I won't ever repeat.

I snap.

I go into the bathroom and I am in tears. I can't do this anymore. Something inside of me is screaming out for something new. Something is calling to me and telling me that it will be ok.

I feel God for the first time in as long as I can remember. It is overwhelming.

I feel Him call to me in a way that I have never felt.

I drop to my knees in tears. I drop to my knees on the floor of a bathroom in a crowded club. I call out to God.

If you can hear me. If you can give me enough strength to walk out of this right now and never look back I will serve you for the rest of my life.

That was my prayer.

I found my wife and I looked her in the eye and said that I was leaving and she would never see me again.

Fuck you. You'll be back.

Not this time.

I turned and walked away and I haven't seen her since.