Chapter 30

I didn't make much money as the "Fax Bitch". I really didn't care at that point in my life. The great thing about the job was it wasn't difficult at all and it gave me a chance to continually promote my band "I Am".

We were playing all the time and we had a pretty decent fan base. We had a tremendous amount of original material and we loved to play. If given the chance we would play hours on end.

For a "Christian" band we rocked pretty hard. The music was dark and moody. The lyrics spoke from a heart very much in pain. I had turned the band into my own personal journey.

I made it about "me".

How can I follow in your footsteps
will you teach me to be free?
How can I be the one to make amends
and not ignore you as you bleed?
Every day I drink my pains fill
and every night I'm losing sleep
Empty bottles of depression
reminding me of what I reap

Pages and pages of lyrics that scream out in pain yet I can't talk about it. I write to release and I sing to release but I can't share my pain with my band mates, my best friends, because I feel like they won't understand.

I don't want to let them down.

I write lyrics daily. I write about this pain that I can't cure. We put the pain to music. We put the searching to music.

I start drinking before shows. I start smoking weed before shows.

I don't even think twice about the other guys in the band.

it is all about me.

The one with the microphone.

There are times when all of us are as close as brothers. They are amazing guys that love on me so much. They help me get through the pain of the divorce but only as much as I let them. Part of me is kept locked away.

The fear. The emptiness.

I want to stop drinking and I want to stop doing drugs but I can't. I can't stop no matter how hard I try, no matter what lyrics I write, no matter how much I know I am going against God's will in my life.

Through all of it I keep going back to what I think makes me happy.

Krista.


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We record a great album.

The CD is called "The Light and the Dark". I think it really speaks volumes about where I am at in life. I know that God is calling me but I am stuck in the darkness of addiction.

The recording process was awesome. We were in the studio for hours on end. We were complete perfectionists and so was our producer/Engineer John. He was a complete Floyd-head also and loved the fact we mixed so much mood in our music.

It was a beautiful time for the band. It is so exciting creating music. It is one of the only things in life that has ever really made me happy.

Lost inside the music. Shut the world out.

We create a 70+ minute CD with 13 songs. The CD is more dark than light. The song titles speak for themselves.

Feel Alone. Nobody's Touch. Pain Inside. Forever Waiting. When Will I.

All of these songs just are filled with searching but they have no resolve. I want to find the answer to all my pain.

I know the answer.

I do.

I just don't feel like I am worthy of God's love.

After all, I am the guy that is getting high and trying to talk to people about how wonderful He is.