Chapter 25
Something about that meeting just allowed me to turn a corner.
That feeling. That honest feeling.
His power.
HIS and not mine.
It was cold in the courtyard that night. I had a huge chew in and was smoking a cigarette. I am painfully aware of the irony of my nicotine addiction while I am in rehab for my "other" addictions.
Baby steps. I think this in my head and I laugh a little.
Eric comes out and walks up to me.
He just says Thank you and that was that. He walks away. He didn't cry at all. I don't think I will see tears from him at any point during our stay.
It was a good night in the courtyard. So many people talking about how good it felt to pray for someone. How the room felt when we all did it. When we sought God with our hearts.
As addicts and alcoholics most of our prayers were of the 911 variety...
Oh please God, if you just get me outta this mess I will be good. Please God don't let him find the pipe. Oh please God if you could just loosen these handcuffs a little...
Most of us have been so self-absorbed for so long we don't even know what it feels like to pray for others. I just know that for myself, when I started praying with others, something changed inside me. I opened some part of me that I had never felt before.
The one thing I know is it felt good.
Healing.
I continue smoking and thinking about all of it. I have talks with Jerrod and Adam. All of us have this unique bond. It's survival mode.
I see Lacey come out to smoke and suddenly that unique bond that is holding me to these guys is like wet scotch tape.
Oh, I see how it is!
I just smile at Jerrod as I walk away.
He laughs. I am starting to like this guy. We all put up fronts for protection and his is finally starting to come down. He came into treatment very cocky and arrogant. He acted like he knew everything. It really bothered me. It took me a while to figure out that it bothered me because it was a trait that I have that I hate.
Funny how that works.
Lacey and I have been talking quite a bit the last days. It is just nice to have female conversation. Really nice.
She tells me about her son and how she just wants to get clean for him. Talking to her makes me realize how thankful I am that I never had children with my ex-wife.
Lacey is a wonderful girl to talk to. She is funny and has an amazingly infectious laugh. I talk to her about my relationship history and the couple women that I have actually dated for extended periods.
She listens.
It's nice.
I talk a little about my ex-wife and the abuse stuff. It is a little awkward to be telling this to another woman but I do anyways.
She asks me about any current ladies in my life.
This is a question that takes me a little off guard. I really don't want to talk about the last couple years and what I have been going through.
It just makes my heart hurt.
That feeling. That honest feeling.
His power.
HIS and not mine.
It was cold in the courtyard that night. I had a huge chew in and was smoking a cigarette. I am painfully aware of the irony of my nicotine addiction while I am in rehab for my "other" addictions.
Baby steps. I think this in my head and I laugh a little.
Eric comes out and walks up to me.
He just says Thank you and that was that. He walks away. He didn't cry at all. I don't think I will see tears from him at any point during our stay.
It was a good night in the courtyard. So many people talking about how good it felt to pray for someone. How the room felt when we all did it. When we sought God with our hearts.
As addicts and alcoholics most of our prayers were of the 911 variety...
Oh please God, if you just get me outta this mess I will be good. Please God don't let him find the pipe. Oh please God if you could just loosen these handcuffs a little...
Most of us have been so self-absorbed for so long we don't even know what it feels like to pray for others. I just know that for myself, when I started praying with others, something changed inside me. I opened some part of me that I had never felt before.
The one thing I know is it felt good.
Healing.
I continue smoking and thinking about all of it. I have talks with Jerrod and Adam. All of us have this unique bond. It's survival mode.
I see Lacey come out to smoke and suddenly that unique bond that is holding me to these guys is like wet scotch tape.
Oh, I see how it is!
I just smile at Jerrod as I walk away.
He laughs. I am starting to like this guy. We all put up fronts for protection and his is finally starting to come down. He came into treatment very cocky and arrogant. He acted like he knew everything. It really bothered me. It took me a while to figure out that it bothered me because it was a trait that I have that I hate.
Funny how that works.
Lacey and I have been talking quite a bit the last days. It is just nice to have female conversation. Really nice.
She tells me about her son and how she just wants to get clean for him. Talking to her makes me realize how thankful I am that I never had children with my ex-wife.
Lacey is a wonderful girl to talk to. She is funny and has an amazingly infectious laugh. I talk to her about my relationship history and the couple women that I have actually dated for extended periods.
She listens.
It's nice.
I talk a little about my ex-wife and the abuse stuff. It is a little awkward to be telling this to another woman but I do anyways.
She asks me about any current ladies in my life.
This is a question that takes me a little off guard. I really don't want to talk about the last couple years and what I have been going through.
It just makes my heart hurt.
posted by steve at 11:00 AM
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