Chapter 33
I am going nuts Cozmo!
We are playing our tenth game of cribbage and he finally has the hang of the game.
Why you nuts?
Because man, this is the longest period of time I haven't played my guitar in probably ten years. It is killing me. I can't believe they wouldn't let me bring it into rehab.
Yeah. That sucks.
We continue to play. Tomorrow is a visiting day and my big brother is coming to visit me. I talked to him briefly when I was first out of detox but I was in that Librium haze and don't remember most of it. All I know is that he is bringing me a big, soft pillow. My Mom asked me if there was anything that I needed and all I could think about was a big, soft pillow.
One comfortable nights sleep.
No nightmares. No tears. No waking up ten times.
A big, soft pillow.
***********************************************
I sit up in my room and listen to Hawaii Eric snore.
I have been trying to write songs without my guitar and it has been a challenge. I have taken the bar that the clothes hang on out of the closet and it is now my "air guitar". It gives me a way to envision what a song might feel like.
The shapes of my left hand against the wood bar trigger auditory memories in my head. I have heard the sounds of each string long enough to be able to "hear" the guitar in my head. I play every night.
I have been working on a song for a few nights now.
I call it "Tired of Getting High"
I sit and strum my imaginary guitar and write the melody in my head.
I'm so tired of getting high
and always coming down
so many places I have looked
and yet have never found
I've never found what it is I need
to bring me from despair
now I open up my eyes
and I see that You are there
Very mellow and melodic. A soft confessional. I can hear the guitar part and I can feel the melody forming in my head. I can get lost in the music of my mind. All of it just takes me away. I imagine a bigger, fuller sound...
Oh I've stoned myself to death
and I've drowned myself in sin
but Lord having You around
makes me as high
High as I have been
What I would give right now to have my guitar. Have my band again. Start over with them and do it right. Put God first and really play for Him. I know that is a long ways off. I am not even twenty days clean and sober.
I am in rehab strumming part of a closet.
I'm so tired of waking up
in this pile of past mistakes
always waking up to what I've lost
from blindly tempting fate
all I want is to see a smile
to feel a heart touching mine
to make amends within myself
how could I have been so blind
We are playing our tenth game of cribbage and he finally has the hang of the game.
Why you nuts?
Because man, this is the longest period of time I haven't played my guitar in probably ten years. It is killing me. I can't believe they wouldn't let me bring it into rehab.
Yeah. That sucks.
We continue to play. Tomorrow is a visiting day and my big brother is coming to visit me. I talked to him briefly when I was first out of detox but I was in that Librium haze and don't remember most of it. All I know is that he is bringing me a big, soft pillow. My Mom asked me if there was anything that I needed and all I could think about was a big, soft pillow.
One comfortable nights sleep.
No nightmares. No tears. No waking up ten times.
A big, soft pillow.
***********************************************
I sit up in my room and listen to Hawaii Eric snore.
I have been trying to write songs without my guitar and it has been a challenge. I have taken the bar that the clothes hang on out of the closet and it is now my "air guitar". It gives me a way to envision what a song might feel like.
The shapes of my left hand against the wood bar trigger auditory memories in my head. I have heard the sounds of each string long enough to be able to "hear" the guitar in my head. I play every night.
I have been working on a song for a few nights now.
I call it "Tired of Getting High"
I sit and strum my imaginary guitar and write the melody in my head.
I'm so tired of getting high
and always coming down
so many places I have looked
and yet have never found
I've never found what it is I need
to bring me from despair
now I open up my eyes
and I see that You are there
Very mellow and melodic. A soft confessional. I can hear the guitar part and I can feel the melody forming in my head. I can get lost in the music of my mind. All of it just takes me away. I imagine a bigger, fuller sound...
Oh I've stoned myself to death
and I've drowned myself in sin
but Lord having You around
makes me as high
High as I have been
What I would give right now to have my guitar. Have my band again. Start over with them and do it right. Put God first and really play for Him. I know that is a long ways off. I am not even twenty days clean and sober.
I am in rehab strumming part of a closet.
I'm so tired of waking up
in this pile of past mistakes
always waking up to what I've lost
from blindly tempting fate
all I want is to see a smile
to feel a heart touching mine
to make amends within myself
how could I have been so blind
posted by steve at 10:16 AM
2 Comments:
This just proves to me that you are a musician through and through.
"I am in rehab strumming part of a closet."
I remember how you felt when you began to play your guitar after missing one day. It must have been so hard for you not to be able to play that whole time.
Please keep sharing your story Jubal.
I swear this is so wierd for me. I had a piece of cardboard in boy's school that i drew frets and strings on so I could play it! You are tripping me out dude!
I'm reading backwards...
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