Chapter 59

Cozmo has about a three day head start on sobriety.

I think he was in jail and it wasn't really a choice though.

Both of us have just hit our 90 days sober. He invites me down to go to a meeting in Corvallis so we can both get our coins together. He says he has a hell of a surprise.

I drive down on a Friday after work and plan on staying the whole weekend. He and I try and get together as much as we can. People from rehab are dropping all around us. I get calls from guys that say

Did you hear about so and so... yeah they went back out...

I usually answer with

No, but thanks for the uplifting and positive news!

In actuality my sick mind thinks of it in terms of that 15% that make it. Each person that fails means my stock goes up.

Sad but true.

I get to Bryce's house and give his Mom and big hug and a kiss. She is such a great woman. They also have the best golden retriever in the world named Bubba. I haven't had a dog for a long time and I sure miss the love of a good dog.

Cozmo and I are cut from the same cloth.

We share the same loves in life. Both of us are competitive to almost a fault. Anything between us can be turned into a competition. Pool is one thing we both love. Tiger Woods golf on the playstation is the other.

We spend hours playing that game.

The amount of trash talk is almost unbearable.

All in love though, all in love.

The meeting that Bryce wants to take me to is on Saturday night. It is a chip meeting that they do once a month. It is a big meeting that has several people leading it.

We sit down and right away I see what the big surprise is.

No way.

Bryce just looks at me and says


and that's all I gotta say about that!

Sitting up in the front row is Dale, the amazing man from rehab. The man who's name will forever be written in the front of my Big Book.

Bryce had come to this meeting before with his sponsor and saw that Dale came to it also. Bryce's sponsor told him that Dale was quite a popular guy around these parts.

I can't imagine why.

We sit through the meeting and they start handing out the coins. When it comes to the three month coins we stand and get ours. I walk over to Dale, coin in hand.

I don't know if you will remember me but you came and spoke at Serenity Lane about 3 months ago. You gave me my one month coin down in Eugene at Emerald Baptist.

He shook my hand and looked at me inquisitively.

and then it hit him.

He was unsteady as he stood, but he did stand. He hugged me and I once again felt the power of the program through this man.

Good for you. You keep coming back, Son. God won't fail you.

I smile and hug him again.

Thanks again, Dale. You are a big part of what changed my view of sobriety.

Oh no. It was God, son. It was always God.


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I spend the rest of the weekend with Cozmo and, as always, we have a great time. The hardest thing for both of us is dealing with being bored. Alcohol and drugs can kill a tremendous amount of boredom.

I have heard it said in many a meeting that "if you are bored you must be boring."

I have never been one to be called boring but a tremendous amount of that excitement was fueled by help. I am just starting to scratch the surface of who I really am without the drugs and without the alcohol.

Cozmo and I talk about it quite a bit. Sometimes we get into the dangerous ground of "remember when".

In my mind I can glorify my use. I can glorify drinking. Make it to be something that it isn't. My addicts way of justifying. Left untreated this way of thinking can be very dangerous.

I can't ever forget who I am.

Where I came from.

What it is that is making me whole once again.

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I get together with Jeff when I get home. He wants me to start on one of the most difficult steps in the program.

The beginning of amends.

Step 8- Made a list of all people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all

I have been looking at my own moral inventory. What are my bad actions? What are my sins?

Now it is time to become the most humble I will hopefully ever have to be.

How have my actions effected others?

As an alcoholic and addict I like to place blame for my disease. I can think about how my ex-wife treated me and it will justify the fact that I get drunk over it.
Like anyone who has gone through hardship, it is easier to place the blame on others then it is to step up and take responsibility for yourself. Even if we are completely and rationally justified in our resentments or actions we have to look at our own faults.

This step takes others completely out of the mix.

Without looking at what was done to us, what did we do to them. By focusing on the wrongs done to me I can minimize the actions on my end that were wrong. My crap isn't HALF as bad as what was done to me! Most of the time that statement is false. I am kept in bondage if I am not willing to forgive.

If I am willing to forgive myself I need to forgive others.

I also need to seek forgiveness.

I make the list.

I write down every person I can ever think of that I wronged. I put Krista on the list and I put my ex-wife on the list. There is no way that I can say I wasn't a terrible husband to her. No matter what transpired, I still was a very imperfect man.

The list takes quite a while to write.

Once again, Jeff tells me that I will benefit from being as thorough as I possibly can.

I bring him the list when I am done.

Are you willing to make amends to all of these people?

I just stare at him in silence.