Chapter 55

I wake up and start my first clean and sober birthday in as long as I can remember.

It is Thursday morning and I unfortunately have to go to work. I have been fighting my insurance company all week because they haven't completely paid my rehab bill like they were suppose to. Nothing in the world can be more challenging then trying to get money out of an insurance company.

I take it in stride. I am sober and right now. The money means nothing to me.

I don't tell a soul at work that it is my birthday. I just enjoy the fact I am taking care of business. I am doing what I set out to do and I feel like I can actually do this long term. That doesn't change the fact that it is one day at a time. I know that if I stop doing the things that have kept me sober I will go right back into my old ways.

If I drink or use again I might as well put a gun to my head. I know that I am choosing death over life.

I get many phone calls today. My parents both call to tell me Happy Birthday. My brother calls and so does my sister. I also get calls from my nephews that bring tears to my eyes. I don't know what exactly it is about being clean that makes me cry at the drop of a hat. My emotions are all over the place.

It's like I am really feeling things for the very first time.

I have always been a very sensitive kid. I have always felt like I was in touch with my feelings. Somewhere along the way I started to suppress those feelings. I started acting the way others wanted me to act. A worldly man.

I now feel like I want to just be me. Be the guy that God made me to be. If that means I cry then so be it.

The mixture of emotions that come with each day is what is hard to deal with early in my recovery. One moment I can be so thankful and the next I can be so angry that I can't have a drink. The next moment I think about my family and how they have all stuck with me through thick and thin and I cry.

I have tremendous feelings of being unworthy.

I feel as if I have done nothing in my life but take. I was given this life by God and I haven't done anything in return but be a drunk in a Christian band. I am sure He loves that.

My parents want to take me to dinner tonight. My brother is going to be there and so is my nephew Matt. I tell them I would love that but it will have to be after my meeting.

Near the end of my day I get the email.

My Happy Birthday email from Krista.

I see it and my heart starts racing. I haven't talked to her since I got out of rehab. The email says she misses me and that she loves me.

I am thankful that my meeting is in an hour.

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The meeting is a good one.

No matter what there is always something that I hear in the meetings that keeps me coming back. The main thing is I get to see that people can maintain long term sobriety. It can be done. It requires work, they all say, but it can be done.

The main thing I hear from the people that have time in the program is a reliance on God. In A.A. and N.A. they call it a "Higher Power" or a "God of your own understanding". At first I want to fight this but I know in my heart who the "God of my understanding" is. Right now it is all about me. I can't do anything for anyone else.

I can't give away what I don't have.

Steve, do you want to come up and talk?

Every time I start daydreaming a little this happens.

I walk to the podium.

My name is Steve and I am an alcoholic.

Hi Steve

It's my belly button birthday today.

Clap Clap. Woo Hoo. Happy birthday Steve

It is weird. I have never had a real sober birthday. I never would have guessed that I would be spending one in an A.A. meeting. I guess I just want to say that I am happy to be clean and sober today. I use to think that I knew a whole lot about a lot of things and now I realize that the only thing I really know is I am an alcoholic and a drug addict. I finally know that. Well, I have always known it I guess I just never could admit it. I don't have any words about sobriety because I am only 50 some days sober. I am thankful. I am going to give this my all and I think God gave me a great sponsor to do that with.

I walk away from the podium and go grab another cup of wonderfully delicious A.A. coffee. I just stand in the back of the room for a bit.

It feels good to talk in meetings. They are raw and for the most part are very real. People in pain and people who are finally out of pain. People there to help each other out. I haven't ever been in a situation like this before. The thing that amazes me beyond belief is the fact there are people here that would never associate with each other anywhere else. I know more homeless people then I have ever known and I am realizing how judgmental of a guy I have been in my life. The only difference between me and some of these guys is a roof.

They weren't always homeless.

Alcohol and drugs took everything. With nothing they come and fight this disease side by side with me.

I have so much to learn.

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When I walk into the Olive Garden I see Matt.

He has his Seattle Mariners cap on his head and he smiles from ear to ear when he sees me. I haven't seen him since I got out and I am trying so hard not to break him as I scoop him off the ground and hold him to my chest.

I start to tear up.

I haven't cried in an Olive Garden before.

Well, at least that I can remember.

The waitress comes and asks us if she can get us all a beer or some wine. Somehow this is funny to all of us. I order a diet coke and give my Dad a wink.

The meal is great. Spending time with my family is awesome and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. In the past it has been hard because I was always trying to hide the fact I had my "swerve on". I would be around all of them high or drunk. I got good at hiding it. Now they were getting see the real me.

I guess I am too.

I say some serious prayers that night. I am very thankful for what is happening. I thank God for my first sober Birthday.

For the life of me I can't get that email out of my head.