Chapter 47
I can't say that I slept well.
I am leaving. I am leaving my comfort zone and going to be heading home. I hit breakfast with Cozmo and Curtis. The Three Lushketeers. These are my boys, Bryce especially.
They both live outside of Portland but not that far away at all. I know that we will be in touch.
This bacon. All this bacon. Oh how I will miss the sight of a huge mound of bacon.
I actually heard my heart say "You Bastard" as I grabbed a bakers dozen. Today we shall eat like Kings!
We absolutely ate ourselves stupid.
and we laughed. We laughed like brothers. The three of us really bonded in here and I am thankful for both of them.
I have to be out of here by noon. I have all my stuff packed and have done all of my checkouts. I have been given my car keys back.
and my hair gel. I laugh at this. They now trust me with hair gel that has alcohol in it. Baby steps.
I go around and say my goodbyes to everyone. I wish Adam the best of luck with his family. I tell Jerrod to remember to put God first. This is his second time here and I hope it sticks in him like I pray it sticks in me. I tell both of the Erics goodbye. I know that I will see tattoo Eric up in outpatient in Portland.
So many people. So many broken lives. I know in my heart that this will be the last time I see most of them. That's just how it is. We are in each others lives for sometimes only a moment and now I realize that it is the moments that count.
Lots of hugs and lots of "love you man". This has been my home for a month and these people have been my family.
I will miss them.
Cozmo helps me grab my stuff and load it into my car.
Keep it real Cozmo. Stay strong.
The shoulder to shoulder tap ensues.
I love you and I will see you on the outside.
For sure. Peace.
I stand for a while by my car. It has been parked the whole month right behind the back wall of the courtyard. I am having trouble actually getting in it right now so I just stand. I figure another smoke won't hurt.
As I light my Camel I see her walk out into the courtyard. I can tell she is looking for me and that feels good.
YO!
Lacey looks over and smiles.
Join me for a last smoke?
She does.
The girl makes me smile and that is a cool feeling. I know that I would love to get to know her outside of these walls and who knows, I just might. Right now it's goodbye.
We smoke and we talk. I tell her that I will call her so be looking for my name on the chalkboard. She gives me a big hug and walks away.
One deep sigh and I get behind the wheel.
Here we go.
I pull out of the back alley and before I pull out on the main street I open my ashtray. One last thing to do before I leave.
As I pull away I leave the glass pipe shattered on the pavement behind me.
*************************************
It is so good to have music again.
My stereo is blaring as I cruise North on Interstate 5. I am listening to the album I bought on the way down here. The rebirth of Kirk Franklin.
The lyrics just make me wanna sing.
Every time I look back
And every time I think back
On all the stuff I've been through
I've prayed through I cried through
And then I tried you and just
When I was about to fall
Your love caught me when your name I called
Jesus you keep on lookin' out for me
Remember when the doctor said
He said he couldn't help you and
Remember when the money was gettin' low
You're hurtin' now your feeling low and just
When you thought the night would never end
The sun came out now you can smile again
Jesus you keep on lookin' out for me
You keep on lookin' out for me
In spite of all I've done
Jesus you keep on lookin' out for me
I shouldn't be here today
And when I look back on all my mistakes
If it hadn't been for your grace
I don't know where I'd be where I'd go
Who can love me like you do
And who can hold me when I'm going through
Jesus you keep on lookin' out for me
I have an entire gospel choir in my backseat the whole way home.
A funny thing happens the closer I get to Portland. I start feeling anxious and scared. I don't really want to go home yet. I decide to waste time shopping for some new kicks. Anything to keep my mind busy.
I go shopping. Couple new pairs of kicks later I am back in my car and the feeling really hasn't gone away.
I know that I need to get to a meeting or something.
There is a house in NW Portland. It is six blocks from where I live. It is a house that has recovery meetings in it pretty much all day. I have never been but I know it is there. I pull into the parking lot and find out there is a meeting in the basement in 20 minutes.
Perfect.
I grab a cup of coffee. A cup of CAFFEINATED coffee and take a seat. There is a guy there that is asking if someone wants to chair the meeting. Meaning, sit up front and run the thing. I don't know why but I say I will.
I know how meetings run. They have a laminated sheet that tells me how this one does.
Welcome to the New Alternatives group of Alcoholics Anonymous. My name is Steve and I am an alcoholic.
HI STEVE.
A whole room full of people.
The meeting starts with the reading of the chapter "How it works" from the big book. After that I pick the topic. I have no idea what I am going to say. I just tell them that I literally just got out of rehab and needed a meeting and I was 30 days sober.
Now some people think this is great and others think I shouldn't even be sitting up in front of them. How can a guy 30 days sober have anything to offer. I really don't. I am on a bit of a rehab high and these guys have been pounding it out in the real world.
I understand.
After I talk I get to just call on people. I don't know anyone so I just start randomly picking people.
The first is a sweet lady who has 16 years. She spits truth. I love it.
She finishes and I look around the room for the next person. Sitting in the middle of the room I see this guy that for some reason just looks different from the rest. He has a dress shirt and tie on and is looking right at me.
I call on him.
He walks up and stands behind the podium.
It's great to have you here. Welcome home. My name is Jeff and I am an alcoholic.
Hi Jeff.
From the first words out of his mouth I felt like I knew this guy. He spoke like he was reading my soul. He had been sober for many years. He was a lush and a cokehead. I hung on his every word.
The meeting finished and I went outside to smoke.
I saw Jeff standing with some other folks and I walked over to thank him for what he shared. We talked for a while and he asked me what I did. I told him I worked for a bank dealing with mortgages and I also played music.
He laughed.
That's funny. I am a Mortgage Broker and I also am a musician.
Perfect. I asked him right then if he would consider being a sponsor.
He didn't even think about it before he said yes. We exchanged numbers and I left.
I headed home for the first time in over a month. I was out of rehab and I had already been to a meeting and I got a sponsor. Things were looking up.
I parked my car and walked to my front door. I hadn't told my roommate I was coming home. I opened the door and he and another friend of ours was there with two girls. They were happy to see me. I was happy to see them also.
They were all sitting around drinking beers.
Reality.
They weren't drunk or anything. They didn't drink the same way I did. They were just drinking like some folks can. I felt my whole body shake. None of this is going to be easy at all.
I took my stuff upstairs to my room.
I stayed behind a shut door for the rest of the night.
I am leaving. I am leaving my comfort zone and going to be heading home. I hit breakfast with Cozmo and Curtis. The Three Lushketeers. These are my boys, Bryce especially.
They both live outside of Portland but not that far away at all. I know that we will be in touch.
This bacon. All this bacon. Oh how I will miss the sight of a huge mound of bacon.
I actually heard my heart say "You Bastard" as I grabbed a bakers dozen. Today we shall eat like Kings!
We absolutely ate ourselves stupid.
and we laughed. We laughed like brothers. The three of us really bonded in here and I am thankful for both of them.
I have to be out of here by noon. I have all my stuff packed and have done all of my checkouts. I have been given my car keys back.
and my hair gel. I laugh at this. They now trust me with hair gel that has alcohol in it. Baby steps.
I go around and say my goodbyes to everyone. I wish Adam the best of luck with his family. I tell Jerrod to remember to put God first. This is his second time here and I hope it sticks in him like I pray it sticks in me. I tell both of the Erics goodbye. I know that I will see tattoo Eric up in outpatient in Portland.
So many people. So many broken lives. I know in my heart that this will be the last time I see most of them. That's just how it is. We are in each others lives for sometimes only a moment and now I realize that it is the moments that count.
Lots of hugs and lots of "love you man". This has been my home for a month and these people have been my family.
I will miss them.
Cozmo helps me grab my stuff and load it into my car.
Keep it real Cozmo. Stay strong.
The shoulder to shoulder tap ensues.
I love you and I will see you on the outside.
For sure. Peace.
I stand for a while by my car. It has been parked the whole month right behind the back wall of the courtyard. I am having trouble actually getting in it right now so I just stand. I figure another smoke won't hurt.
As I light my Camel I see her walk out into the courtyard. I can tell she is looking for me and that feels good.
YO!
Lacey looks over and smiles.
Join me for a last smoke?
She does.
The girl makes me smile and that is a cool feeling. I know that I would love to get to know her outside of these walls and who knows, I just might. Right now it's goodbye.
We smoke and we talk. I tell her that I will call her so be looking for my name on the chalkboard. She gives me a big hug and walks away.
One deep sigh and I get behind the wheel.
Here we go.
I pull out of the back alley and before I pull out on the main street I open my ashtray. One last thing to do before I leave.
As I pull away I leave the glass pipe shattered on the pavement behind me.
*************************************
It is so good to have music again.
My stereo is blaring as I cruise North on Interstate 5. I am listening to the album I bought on the way down here. The rebirth of Kirk Franklin.
The lyrics just make me wanna sing.
Every time I look back
And every time I think back
On all the stuff I've been through
I've prayed through I cried through
And then I tried you and just
When I was about to fall
Your love caught me when your name I called
Jesus you keep on lookin' out for me
Remember when the doctor said
He said he couldn't help you and
Remember when the money was gettin' low
You're hurtin' now your feeling low and just
When you thought the night would never end
The sun came out now you can smile again
Jesus you keep on lookin' out for me
You keep on lookin' out for me
In spite of all I've done
Jesus you keep on lookin' out for me
I shouldn't be here today
And when I look back on all my mistakes
If it hadn't been for your grace
I don't know where I'd be where I'd go
Who can love me like you do
And who can hold me when I'm going through
Jesus you keep on lookin' out for me
I have an entire gospel choir in my backseat the whole way home.
A funny thing happens the closer I get to Portland. I start feeling anxious and scared. I don't really want to go home yet. I decide to waste time shopping for some new kicks. Anything to keep my mind busy.
I go shopping. Couple new pairs of kicks later I am back in my car and the feeling really hasn't gone away.
I know that I need to get to a meeting or something.
There is a house in NW Portland. It is six blocks from where I live. It is a house that has recovery meetings in it pretty much all day. I have never been but I know it is there. I pull into the parking lot and find out there is a meeting in the basement in 20 minutes.
Perfect.
I grab a cup of coffee. A cup of CAFFEINATED coffee and take a seat. There is a guy there that is asking if someone wants to chair the meeting. Meaning, sit up front and run the thing. I don't know why but I say I will.
I know how meetings run. They have a laminated sheet that tells me how this one does.
Welcome to the New Alternatives group of Alcoholics Anonymous. My name is Steve and I am an alcoholic.
HI STEVE.
A whole room full of people.
The meeting starts with the reading of the chapter "How it works" from the big book. After that I pick the topic. I have no idea what I am going to say. I just tell them that I literally just got out of rehab and needed a meeting and I was 30 days sober.
Now some people think this is great and others think I shouldn't even be sitting up in front of them. How can a guy 30 days sober have anything to offer. I really don't. I am on a bit of a rehab high and these guys have been pounding it out in the real world.
I understand.
After I talk I get to just call on people. I don't know anyone so I just start randomly picking people.
The first is a sweet lady who has 16 years. She spits truth. I love it.
She finishes and I look around the room for the next person. Sitting in the middle of the room I see this guy that for some reason just looks different from the rest. He has a dress shirt and tie on and is looking right at me.
I call on him.
He walks up and stands behind the podium.
It's great to have you here. Welcome home. My name is Jeff and I am an alcoholic.
Hi Jeff.
From the first words out of his mouth I felt like I knew this guy. He spoke like he was reading my soul. He had been sober for many years. He was a lush and a cokehead. I hung on his every word.
The meeting finished and I went outside to smoke.
I saw Jeff standing with some other folks and I walked over to thank him for what he shared. We talked for a while and he asked me what I did. I told him I worked for a bank dealing with mortgages and I also played music.
He laughed.
That's funny. I am a Mortgage Broker and I also am a musician.
Perfect. I asked him right then if he would consider being a sponsor.
He didn't even think about it before he said yes. We exchanged numbers and I left.
I headed home for the first time in over a month. I was out of rehab and I had already been to a meeting and I got a sponsor. Things were looking up.
I parked my car and walked to my front door. I hadn't told my roommate I was coming home. I opened the door and he and another friend of ours was there with two girls. They were happy to see me. I was happy to see them also.
They were all sitting around drinking beers.
Reality.
They weren't drunk or anything. They didn't drink the same way I did. They were just drinking like some folks can. I felt my whole body shake. None of this is going to be easy at all.
I took my stuff upstairs to my room.
I stayed behind a shut door for the rest of the night.
posted by steve at 11:50 AM
4 Comments:
That's the scary part...facing reality for the first time. I know the feeling - been there done that.
Wow, temptation right off the bat!
I sense the power of Jesus in you, the push to keep you going, to take chances, to move ahead, to block out temptation. I cannot even imagine how it mst've been for you, but your story touches lives because it's real. No one can make this stuff up. You went through what you went through for a reason and this is part of it...an incredibly real and powerful testimony. I am so proud of you. Your story gives others hope and faith. I don't want it to end yet! :)
home. that is where sin seems to hit so many of us the hardest, behind our own closed doors. ugh.
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