Chapter 46
I sit under the shelter on one of the tables and listen to the rain fall on the pavement of the courtyard. It is really hard to just grasp that tomorrow I will be driving back to Portland.
So much has happened in the last month. I have had a huge fog lifted from my head. My body has started to heal and I feel so much better. I was amazed that I still had high levels of THC in my body after not smoking pot for a month.
No one is outside right now. It is just me and the rain.
I think of the broken man that walked in here, angry and stoned. I think of those first couple days in detox and still being able to hear the desperate yells of addicts without their fuel.
I can't ever forget this.
That one thought just runs through my head.
I can't ever forget this.
I am scared but I am really happy. I have a new feeling inside of me that I haven't felt for I don't know how long.
Pride.
I a proud of what I have done. It is so different from the arrogance I have felt in the past. This pride is filled with a new sense of gratitude and acknowledgement that God is doing for me what I could not do for myself.
I can feel my own tears run down my face and I know that for once they aren't because of pain.
I have spent so long in the darkness that I have forgotten what it feels like to be in the Light. I know that the road ahead of me is going to be so long but I also know that I am stupid to think that it isn't just as long for everybody. All of us have felt this separation in one way or another. In me it manifests itself into addiction. I am not special in that sense. I know that if I start thinking that way again I will be at the bottom of the bottle and bong in no time at all.
I have to be real. I know that God called me a long long time ago and I know that I hid. I think of how I got on my knees and begged Him to get me out of the hell I was in and He did. Then He put Joe, Mark and Ariel in my life.
Here is your chance.
Sing for me.
I failed. I took it and I used it all for myself. I took the gift and I ran with it. A little spoiled kid who won't share.
I remember the last conversation I had with Mark before I drove down here. I know that he is so angry with me. I know that I hurt more people than just myself. He wished me luck and said he would pray for me. I told him that we were going to move mountains when I get out of here.
For the first time I really believe that through God all things are possible. There is no way I can explain being sober 30 days any other way.
Thank you Lord. Thank you God. I love you.
I pull my hoodie over my head and walk out into the downpour. I stretch my arms out and tilt my head to the heavens.
With my eyes closed I let God's rain wash my tears away.
So much has happened in the last month. I have had a huge fog lifted from my head. My body has started to heal and I feel so much better. I was amazed that I still had high levels of THC in my body after not smoking pot for a month.
No one is outside right now. It is just me and the rain.
I think of the broken man that walked in here, angry and stoned. I think of those first couple days in detox and still being able to hear the desperate yells of addicts without their fuel.
I can't ever forget this.
That one thought just runs through my head.
I can't ever forget this.
I am scared but I am really happy. I have a new feeling inside of me that I haven't felt for I don't know how long.
Pride.
I a proud of what I have done. It is so different from the arrogance I have felt in the past. This pride is filled with a new sense of gratitude and acknowledgement that God is doing for me what I could not do for myself.
I can feel my own tears run down my face and I know that for once they aren't because of pain.
I have spent so long in the darkness that I have forgotten what it feels like to be in the Light. I know that the road ahead of me is going to be so long but I also know that I am stupid to think that it isn't just as long for everybody. All of us have felt this separation in one way or another. In me it manifests itself into addiction. I am not special in that sense. I know that if I start thinking that way again I will be at the bottom of the bottle and bong in no time at all.
I have to be real. I know that God called me a long long time ago and I know that I hid. I think of how I got on my knees and begged Him to get me out of the hell I was in and He did. Then He put Joe, Mark and Ariel in my life.
Here is your chance.
Sing for me.
I failed. I took it and I used it all for myself. I took the gift and I ran with it. A little spoiled kid who won't share.
I remember the last conversation I had with Mark before I drove down here. I know that he is so angry with me. I know that I hurt more people than just myself. He wished me luck and said he would pray for me. I told him that we were going to move mountains when I get out of here.
For the first time I really believe that through God all things are possible. There is no way I can explain being sober 30 days any other way.
Thank you Lord. Thank you God. I love you.
I pull my hoodie over my head and walk out into the downpour. I stretch my arms out and tilt my head to the heavens.
With my eyes closed I let God's rain wash my tears away.
posted by steve at 11:10 AM
4 Comments:
Amazing Grace how sweet the sound,
that saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now I'm found,
was blind, but now, I see.
Yeah, it's a God thing.
Tears. Tears in my office. Lots and lots of tears...
"Clean" He said, "You are clean"
That sentence fits here in so many ways, clean from the drugs, clean from the alcohol, but more than that, oh so more than that, clean from all that was holding you back from Him. Clean in His eyes, Clean by His hands. Clean.
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