Chapter 43

I am getting pretty anxious.

In three short days I will be leaving. I will be back out in the real world with the same temptations. I know that the world I left to come in here hasn't changed one bit. I have become a master of the "Serenity Prayer" during these moments. The moments where I feel so helpless.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference"

I don't know what it is about this prayer but it connects with me. It is so pure and filled with truth. The serenity or the peace inside to just accept all the crap of the world. I can't change other people. I can't always have things go MY way. The courage to change the things I can. That means my reactions to the world, my way of thinking, who I put my trust in. This is the "me" stuff. I have to change "me", not all the others around me to fit my own selfish needs.

...and the wisdom to know the difference

To actually know the difference between the two.

So here I am having yet another anxiety attack about getting out of here and I am repeating this over and over in my head until it sticks. I am scared about getting out and I am scared about failing. When it comes to not drinking and using, "forever" seems like an impossibility. I have been sober 29 days and it has been the biggest challenge of my life. There hasn't been one day at all that has been easy. In meetings you hear the phrase "One Day at a Time" and that is the truth. If I start future trippin' I will drive myself crazy.

I have spent way too much time already in my life worrying about stuff that never happened. I wasted so much time on future thoughts and never lived for right now. That is the one thing I tell myself I am going to do when I leave here. Live in the moment. Don't be so worried about what might happen in the future because my experience has shown that most of it never comes to fruition.

I have been thinking so much about God lately. It is hard for me to think He isn't at least slightly mad at me. All these gifts He trusted me with and I just go and mess it all up.

I stood up in front of people as a "Christian" singer and I played under the influence of drugs and alcohol.

Guilt.

The one thing that I know is going to take serious work.

Some days I just feel like I am clothed in it.

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We actually have a spirituality class today. There is a woman who leads this class and she is actually the pastor here. I don't even know if she is a pastor. I just like to think of her as "Godly" and that seems to be enough for now.

I know her from a meeting we had one on one. I needed to really talk to her about my divorce. I have really been bothered by the fact that I have been married and failed.

I just keep thinking that God hates divorce. I think of the simple marriage vows.

Until death do you part.

In talking with her she really made me feel a little better. First and foremost she told me that divorce WAS a sin and shouldn't be thought of any differently.

A sin is a sin.

Our relationship was never centered on God. Not even close. She told me to focus on the love of God and his ability to forgive sin. Until death do us part. The moment she laid a hand on me was the moment the death of any love we had died.

Really, the feelings we had weren't "love" as God intended. True "Love" is focused and centered in God. I see what she is talking about but realize I have a long way to go. I just know it feels good to look for the answers in the right place for once.

A sin is a sin.

He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone

I know that God and I are going to be having quite a few talks in the near future.

So we are all sitting in the TV room and talking about God and the power of prayer. Well, we are talking about a "higher power" that some of us choose to call "God" and the power of prayer. This is the "politically correct" way of dealing with the disease.

One of the new guys is putting up a huge God fight. He claims to be an atheist and says that no God exists.

Explain to me then how prayer works. How can you prove to me that it does? How does it work?

I loved how she approached this guy with a gentleness.

I can't.

That's because it's all bullshit!

She looks at him and asks a simple question.

Can you tell me exactly how that TV works? Every time you go and press the on button do you think about "how it works" or do you just know and trust that it will?

Silence.

Do you need to have the knowledge of how that TV works to turn it on? No, you don't. You only need to trust that every time you press that button it works.

Prayer is the same way.

It only requires that you have a small amount of trust.

I just smile a little bit.

I am going to miss this place.