Chapter 37
I have come to the conclusion that I am too much of a addict and alcoholic to want to live but too much of a candy-ass to die.
Stuck in between. Not a fun place to be at all.
It is Christmas time once again and I just want to hibernate through it. Everyone is so cheerful and in the Holiday spirit and I just want to slap them. I want them to feel what I am feeling. The utter hopelessness. The pain.
I know that I want out of this feeling but I don't know where to even begin.
I am lost.
I get phone calls from my parents because they haven't heard from me in a month. They get so worried when I don't talk to them. It isn't that I don't want to talk to them at all. In fact I miss feeling like I was part of the family.
I am just ashamed of myself. I don't feel like I have anything at all to offer anyone.
All I can do lately is sit at home and drink and smoke weed.
The state diversion program had done wonders for me. I was in it for 9 months and I drank all the way through it. I really didn't even give the counselor a chance to reach me. I filled a chair.
All I needed to do was get through it.
The hardest part was not being able to smoke weed. The day I graduated from the program I smoked up a storm. I never let up.
The scary part was having to be in a diversion program for drinking and driving and actually drinking and driving right after I would finish for the week. The class was on a Wednesday night. That means I can't drink on Tuesday.
Well, at least not too much.
After class got out on Wednesday I would stop at the store and get a 40 or two and start drinking during the ride home.
There just comes a point where no matter how hard you try you can't stop. Your own power will never be enough.
Ever.
Your power may get you through a weekend or a month but sooner or later the Devil finds the kink in your armor.
Every time.
***************************************
Christmas comes and goes.
Like always it is great to see my family but it also hurts. My brother and sister both have families of their own. They have kids and are building their own traditions.
I don't have that.
The only tradition I have is the tradition of a morning hangover. I am not so sick that I don't realize how blessed I am to have a family at Christmas. I know that there are those that don't or have so much family angst that the Holidays are hell.
My addictions don't stop the fact that I love my family. It really makes it hard that I love them so much because I mound so much guilt on top of myself because I feel like I let all of them down.
My mind and my addictions will tell me anything to keep me in bondage.
*************************************
The clock strikes midnight.
I am alone in a dark house on New Years Eve. I am alone by choice.
I just don't have the energy to be around people. Especially people that are having a good time. I no longer have the energy to fake it.
I call her.
I make sure the message lets her know how miserable I am. I make sure she knows its her fault.
In my mind I can blame so much of my pain on my failed relationships.
In truth I am just an addict and alcoholic trapped inside a disease that I have no control over.
I drink myself to sleep.
I wake up face down on the kitchen floor.
Stuck in between. Not a fun place to be at all.
It is Christmas time once again and I just want to hibernate through it. Everyone is so cheerful and in the Holiday spirit and I just want to slap them. I want them to feel what I am feeling. The utter hopelessness. The pain.
I know that I want out of this feeling but I don't know where to even begin.
I am lost.
I get phone calls from my parents because they haven't heard from me in a month. They get so worried when I don't talk to them. It isn't that I don't want to talk to them at all. In fact I miss feeling like I was part of the family.
I am just ashamed of myself. I don't feel like I have anything at all to offer anyone.
All I can do lately is sit at home and drink and smoke weed.
The state diversion program had done wonders for me. I was in it for 9 months and I drank all the way through it. I really didn't even give the counselor a chance to reach me. I filled a chair.
All I needed to do was get through it.
The hardest part was not being able to smoke weed. The day I graduated from the program I smoked up a storm. I never let up.
The scary part was having to be in a diversion program for drinking and driving and actually drinking and driving right after I would finish for the week. The class was on a Wednesday night. That means I can't drink on Tuesday.
Well, at least not too much.
After class got out on Wednesday I would stop at the store and get a 40 or two and start drinking during the ride home.
There just comes a point where no matter how hard you try you can't stop. Your own power will never be enough.
Ever.
Your power may get you through a weekend or a month but sooner or later the Devil finds the kink in your armor.
Every time.
***************************************
Christmas comes and goes.
Like always it is great to see my family but it also hurts. My brother and sister both have families of their own. They have kids and are building their own traditions.
I don't have that.
The only tradition I have is the tradition of a morning hangover. I am not so sick that I don't realize how blessed I am to have a family at Christmas. I know that there are those that don't or have so much family angst that the Holidays are hell.
My addictions don't stop the fact that I love my family. It really makes it hard that I love them so much because I mound so much guilt on top of myself because I feel like I let all of them down.
My mind and my addictions will tell me anything to keep me in bondage.
*************************************
The clock strikes midnight.
I am alone in a dark house on New Years Eve. I am alone by choice.
I just don't have the energy to be around people. Especially people that are having a good time. I no longer have the energy to fake it.
I call her.
I make sure the message lets her know how miserable I am. I make sure she knows its her fault.
In my mind I can blame so much of my pain on my failed relationships.
In truth I am just an addict and alcoholic trapped inside a disease that I have no control over.
I drink myself to sleep.
I wake up face down on the kitchen floor.
posted by steve at 9:42 AM
5 Comments:
It floors me to think how long the devil had a hold on you, what is more is the realization that God stepped in and saved you and that sometimes he lets us suffer for a long time so we really appreciate who he is.
That appreciation is evidenced by you on a daily basis. Suh-weet.
God is Good!
Wow.................sooooo many parallels with a relative in OH!
Keep writing please......Jodi
I hurt for the person you once were, and rejoice for the person you are today! Praying for continued healing as you "rehash" your experience.
"There just comes a point where no matter how hard you try you can't stop. Your own power will never be enough.
Ever.
Your power may get you through a weekend or a month but sooner or later the Devil finds the kink in your armor."
Such profound words! So brutally honest and true. It hurts me to know the pain you suffered. I think about all the people living around me who are hurting like you once were.
Just wanted to let you know I've changed my site. I am know focusing all my energy on people with relationship issues, mainly couples. You inspired me to write my own online book. I am hoping to post the introduction soon.
The last couple of posts have had my emotions all over the place.
Reading that the gun was in your lap made my heart drop. I felt sick. And I understood. And I'm so thankful that the Lord intervened, and that you were wise enough to listen.
In this post, at the mention of "candy-ass," I started laughing. out loud. I've never heard that term, and I think it is so funny! Except I have nowhere that I personally can use it, unless i'm saying it to katie or eddo just for shock-value, so I'll just have to repeat it to myself every now and then to make myself laugh. heehee!
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