Chapter 35

I once again caught her in a lie. A big one.

Once again it involved her "Ex-boyfriend". Each lie cuts me to the core and allows me to sink lower and lower into depression and anger. No matter how badly I have caught her in this lie she still won't admit it. She makes me feel like I am the crazy one.

I question myself. I think that I might be losing my mind. I start shutting off everyone around me. I drink with a vengeance.

Spite is my new best friend.

I can't shake the pain of the heartbreak. She knows what I went through with my ex-wife. She knows how hard it was for me to trust her. I can't understand how she could lie to me. She says she isn't.

I don't know what to believe anymore.

It is an everyday struggle. I show up to work so hungover everyday. There are so many times that I have to go to the bathroom and throw up.

I sit at my desk and people can feel the anger coming from me. I go outside for breaks and smoke pot and go to the liquor store across the street and buy small bottles of Jack. I am a mess.

A complete and total mess.

My body decides it has had enough and tries to fight back. My body tries to get my attention the only it way it can.

I don't even know what to say to the client I have on the phone.

Oh my God. I have to hang up. I think I am having a heart attack.

My heart felt like it was trying to jump out of my chest. My pulse races and then feels like it just stops. At times my heart feels like it isn't beating at all and then it races like it is trying to make up for the lost beats.

I thought this was it. I thought it was a heart attack. A heart attack before my 30th birthday.

I went to my manager and told her I needed to go to the emergency room and she looked at me like I was crazy.

My heart is coming out of my chest.

Let me call the paramedics.

Working in a call center I have seen the paramedics come. At least once a month they show up to cart out one of the "heavier set" employees who has become short of breath. There is no way in hell I am getting wheeled out of this joint. I tell them I am driving myself.

They try and stop me to no avail.

The drive to the emergency room is horrid. I am reaching a severe state of panic which isn't making my heart any better at all. I don't even know what to say when I get there.

I think my heart is giving out.

They check my heart rate and sure enough it is all over the map. It races then it dies. It is completely out of rhythm. They put me in a room by myself. I am terrified. I don't know what is going on and all I can think is I want my Mom.

I want my Mom.

The female doctor comes in and she sits down next to me. I have no idea what to expect. What she tells me makes tears fall almost instantaneously.

We are going to have to stop your heart and try and get it back on track.

What the fuck?

I need a phone.

I call everyone and I can't get a hold of anyone at all. I am terrified and I am alone.

They are going to hook me up to a defibleration machine and shock my heart into submission. Stop it and then get it going again. The doctor informs me this is the only way to get it back on track. She assures me that it is all going to be alright.

I call work and tell them I won't be coming back today.