Chapter 39

I know who is at my door before I even open it.

The timid knock tells me that Tattoo Eric is paying me a visit. I love Eric. He is one of those guys that you just can't judge by his outward appearance.

Full sleeves of tattoos. Skinhead. Not an ounce of fat on him. I bet that outside of these walls some people would avoid him. The beautiful thing about rehab is the diversity of people. All of us here for the same reason and forced to all be together.

The truth is it works. Take away all of the outside world crap and we are all the same. In here we aren't judged by our color, our social status, our high paying jobs or where we are from. We are all broken.

Every last one of us.

In here we get to know each other. We get to walk through hell.

I invite Eric in.

He has this different look on his face. I can't really place what it means. It is a look that is a little confused, a little amazed, almost in awe.

What's up Eric?

I just wanted to come and thank you for what you did, for that praying.

Any time Bro. We are in this together.

Eric looks me straight in the eye.

He is going to make it. He is going to live.

He is talking about his little cousin. The kid that was shot in the head and not expected to live. The kid we all prayed about.

The Doctors don't know how he pulled through.

In Eric's mind there wasn't a doubt as to what did it.

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I have about a week left in rehab and to tell you the truth I am scared to death to leave. I feel strong in here. I am with people that understand what I am going through.

Temptation is not in my face.

I have been talking to my counselor Adam about staying for a month longer. Going into the extended program with Erroll.

I can't believe that I am actually thinking about doing this. I hated this guy when I first met him but I actually see the truth behind his ways. He cares enough to not take any shit.

They tell us that only 10 percent actually achieve long term sobriety.

Ten percent. I can't believe they actually admit to this. I think about this figure in terms of the people in here.

In my small group that means only one of us. Out of all the people here I would say that less then ten of us are going to be clean and sober in the future.

This is the reason why I want to stay longer. I need a fighting chance at this. I tell myself that I am not going to come this far and through this much pain to fail and go through it all again.

Failing after all this would hurt worse than anything.

I see guys in here that are on their third or fourth time through. Tattoo Eric is one of them.

I tell myself that I am going to do whatever it takes to stay clean and sober. I will listen to whatever they tell me to do in here.

I start saying the same prayer at the start of every day.

Father God, please give me the strength to stay clean and sober today.

short and sweet.

At night I say Thank you.

Thank you God for one more day free from the hell I have been in.

Amen.

With all my heart, Amen.