Chapter 45
People are actually signing other people's AA Books.
It is exactly like signing High School yearbooks. It is the weirdest thing ever. I understand that people want to keep in touch but the reality of it is that we probably won't.
People brand new to sobriety really can't help each other out that much. I know that support is good but I have to find people that are farther along the path then I am. I do want to keep in touch with them and I do wish them ALL the best but I know that most just are not going to make it. I know that is a dangerous place for me. I know that I could get sucked right back into where I was.
I am taking ever last bit of advice given to me by my counselor Adam. I am going to get a sponsor as fast as I can when I leave here. I need a Mentor to guide me through the steps of recovery. As far as I am concerned I have only completed step one of the 12 step program.
We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable.
I still have 11 more to go and there is no way to do this alone.
My book gets marked up by all of my fellow addicts that I have had the pleasure of being around.
I look at what some people write and I realize that all of them write about the same thing in my book. My love for God.
I think that is when it hits me that I have allowed a small piece of God to break the surface.
Steve,
you don't know what a positive impact you have had on my life. Thank you for your prayers. Stay in touch.
Adam
Thanks for the prayers
Mike
Steve thank you for sharing the Lord and yourself with me.
Cathy
Steve, you wont ever know what you have done for me. I love your inner spirit for God it picks me up when I am down. Pick up the phone and share your joy and happiness with me. Please. I love you Brother.
Bill
Steve,
Thank you for everything. I really hope we continue to be a part of each others lives. Call me anytime and get your ass back to where your heart is... music!
I love you.
Jerrod
Dearest Steve,
I cannot begin to express and words cannot begin to describe how much your words have meant to me. In my many times of feeling so alone and frightened you always knew what to say. Your utter devotion to your spirituality is awe inspiring. I pray to find my own. The passion you have for sobriety leaves no doubt of your success. You have a kind and tender heart and I know you will have everlasting peace and happiness. God bless and keep you ALWAYS.
Thank you
Susan
Dear Brother Steve,
Thank you for being there and praying with me and believing in me. You don't know what that means to me. You are a good man and the Lord will fill your life with blessings. Keep in touch. We all need brotherly love on this journey through life.
Hawaii Eric
Steve,
you are going to carry the message that He asks each one of us to do. You will always remain close to me.
Mike D.
Steve,
I've truly enjoyed getting to know you. You are an incredible person with so much love to give. Take care of yourself out there- be good!
Love Lacey
I read each one of these and I feel completely unworthy. In my mind I am still a worthless addict with not much to offer. The man that I am reading about in my book isn't me.
Exactly.
It isn't me.
********************************
I wake up on my last full day in rehab on the floor outside of my room. I have a new roommate and I have never heard snoring like this guy puts out. I actually feared for my life at one point during the evening so I grabbed my big fluffy pillow and slept outside. The rumble could still be felt.
I can't believe that I am 30 days clean and sober. My first true milestone in sobriety. I feel good.
I feel really good.
Cozmo and I hit the YMCA in the morning for the last time. We play hoops with Curtis and have a great time. They both have a few more days. I will leave in the morning. It is all a little surreal to me right now. I am actually scared to death.
We hit breakfast and I eat about two pigs worth of bacon. I am really going to miss morning breakfast here. Eggs and bacon and french toast. The food was awesome. Eating so well and working out twice a day has made a serious impact on me. I have lost about 15 pounds and It feels fantastic. I have more energy than I know what to do with.
In our all-facility morning meeting I get to say my goodbyes to everyone. After that I meet up with Adam to talk about what comes next. He tells me again to get a sponsor and really work this program. He thinks I have as good a shot at it as anyone.
I tell him I feel the same way.
I spend most of the day talking to people and wishing them well. I know that A few of them from the Portland area will actually be in my year long after care group that will meet weekly.
Lacey and I talk quite a bit today. I am going to miss this girl.
******************************************
My last off site AA meeting.
John behind the wheel of the Druggie Buggie. Cozmo and I once again laughing at the fact we never killed ourselves drinking and driving but still may die anyways in a treatment center econo-van.
The meeting is at a church that we haven't been to before.
We walk in and I can't help but smile when I see Dale sitting around the circle. Dale, the old man that cried and made me realize that I want what he has. The reason that the words "Never Forget Dale and tears of joy" are written on the inside cover of my AA book.
I thank God right then and there that this man is at my final meeting down here.
It is a great meeting. There is a man there that is celebrating 57 years. I have 30 days today and this man has 57 years. The beauty of AA.
When the floor is opened up I raise my hand.
I looked at Dale and I told him how much his tears had meant to me. I told him that I was so scared and when I felt how much gratitude he had it changed something in me. It was very emotional for me. He looked at me and like he couldn't believe what I was saying.
I just wanted to tell him thank you.
He just nodded at me and I could see that he was fighting back tears.
If something I said touched you in such a way I can only tell you it wasn't me. It was God. I am just an old drunk who is willing to be thankful.
and that's all I gotta say about that.
The came to the point in the meeting where they asked if anyone was celebrating time. I raised my hand.
My name is Steve and I am an alcoholic. I have 30 days.
Dale stood up and grabbed the 30 day coin and he was the one that gave it to me. He walked over and he gave it to me and he hugged me. This old man who I didn't really even know gave me the best hug.
All of it started to make a little more sense. Not just the program but life. Here I was thinking that Dale had done so much for me and at that moment I know he was feeling like I had done so much for him.
I saw something in that old man.
A willingness to serve.
I knew that I wanted to hold on to this lesson very tight.
It is exactly like signing High School yearbooks. It is the weirdest thing ever. I understand that people want to keep in touch but the reality of it is that we probably won't.
People brand new to sobriety really can't help each other out that much. I know that support is good but I have to find people that are farther along the path then I am. I do want to keep in touch with them and I do wish them ALL the best but I know that most just are not going to make it. I know that is a dangerous place for me. I know that I could get sucked right back into where I was.
I am taking ever last bit of advice given to me by my counselor Adam. I am going to get a sponsor as fast as I can when I leave here. I need a Mentor to guide me through the steps of recovery. As far as I am concerned I have only completed step one of the 12 step program.
We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable.
I still have 11 more to go and there is no way to do this alone.
My book gets marked up by all of my fellow addicts that I have had the pleasure of being around.
I look at what some people write and I realize that all of them write about the same thing in my book. My love for God.
I think that is when it hits me that I have allowed a small piece of God to break the surface.
Steve,
you don't know what a positive impact you have had on my life. Thank you for your prayers. Stay in touch.
Adam
Thanks for the prayers
Mike
Steve thank you for sharing the Lord and yourself with me.
Cathy
Steve, you wont ever know what you have done for me. I love your inner spirit for God it picks me up when I am down. Pick up the phone and share your joy and happiness with me. Please. I love you Brother.
Bill
Steve,
Thank you for everything. I really hope we continue to be a part of each others lives. Call me anytime and get your ass back to where your heart is... music!
I love you.
Jerrod
Dearest Steve,
I cannot begin to express and words cannot begin to describe how much your words have meant to me. In my many times of feeling so alone and frightened you always knew what to say. Your utter devotion to your spirituality is awe inspiring. I pray to find my own. The passion you have for sobriety leaves no doubt of your success. You have a kind and tender heart and I know you will have everlasting peace and happiness. God bless and keep you ALWAYS.
Thank you
Susan
Dear Brother Steve,
Thank you for being there and praying with me and believing in me. You don't know what that means to me. You are a good man and the Lord will fill your life with blessings. Keep in touch. We all need brotherly love on this journey through life.
Hawaii Eric
Steve,
you are going to carry the message that He asks each one of us to do. You will always remain close to me.
Mike D.
Steve,
I've truly enjoyed getting to know you. You are an incredible person with so much love to give. Take care of yourself out there- be good!
Love Lacey
I read each one of these and I feel completely unworthy. In my mind I am still a worthless addict with not much to offer. The man that I am reading about in my book isn't me.
Exactly.
It isn't me.
********************************
I wake up on my last full day in rehab on the floor outside of my room. I have a new roommate and I have never heard snoring like this guy puts out. I actually feared for my life at one point during the evening so I grabbed my big fluffy pillow and slept outside. The rumble could still be felt.
I can't believe that I am 30 days clean and sober. My first true milestone in sobriety. I feel good.
I feel really good.
Cozmo and I hit the YMCA in the morning for the last time. We play hoops with Curtis and have a great time. They both have a few more days. I will leave in the morning. It is all a little surreal to me right now. I am actually scared to death.
We hit breakfast and I eat about two pigs worth of bacon. I am really going to miss morning breakfast here. Eggs and bacon and french toast. The food was awesome. Eating so well and working out twice a day has made a serious impact on me. I have lost about 15 pounds and It feels fantastic. I have more energy than I know what to do with.
In our all-facility morning meeting I get to say my goodbyes to everyone. After that I meet up with Adam to talk about what comes next. He tells me again to get a sponsor and really work this program. He thinks I have as good a shot at it as anyone.
I tell him I feel the same way.
I spend most of the day talking to people and wishing them well. I know that A few of them from the Portland area will actually be in my year long after care group that will meet weekly.
Lacey and I talk quite a bit today. I am going to miss this girl.
******************************************
My last off site AA meeting.
John behind the wheel of the Druggie Buggie. Cozmo and I once again laughing at the fact we never killed ourselves drinking and driving but still may die anyways in a treatment center econo-van.
The meeting is at a church that we haven't been to before.
We walk in and I can't help but smile when I see Dale sitting around the circle. Dale, the old man that cried and made me realize that I want what he has. The reason that the words "Never Forget Dale and tears of joy" are written on the inside cover of my AA book.
I thank God right then and there that this man is at my final meeting down here.
It is a great meeting. There is a man there that is celebrating 57 years. I have 30 days today and this man has 57 years. The beauty of AA.
When the floor is opened up I raise my hand.
I looked at Dale and I told him how much his tears had meant to me. I told him that I was so scared and when I felt how much gratitude he had it changed something in me. It was very emotional for me. He looked at me and like he couldn't believe what I was saying.
I just wanted to tell him thank you.
He just nodded at me and I could see that he was fighting back tears.
If something I said touched you in such a way I can only tell you it wasn't me. It was God. I am just an old drunk who is willing to be thankful.
and that's all I gotta say about that.
The came to the point in the meeting where they asked if anyone was celebrating time. I raised my hand.
My name is Steve and I am an alcoholic. I have 30 days.
Dale stood up and grabbed the 30 day coin and he was the one that gave it to me. He walked over and he gave it to me and he hugged me. This old man who I didn't really even know gave me the best hug.
All of it started to make a little more sense. Not just the program but life. Here I was thinking that Dale had done so much for me and at that moment I know he was feeling like I had done so much for him.
I saw something in that old man.
A willingness to serve.
I knew that I wanted to hold on to this lesson very tight.
posted by steve at 12:25 PM
4 Comments:
Jubal, it was really hard for me to read this sentence. I don't know why, but it really hit me when you said, "My name is Steve and I am an alcoholic".
I think it's because one of the memories I have of you is walking behind you at the fair and reading the tattoos on your calves. That's the Jubal I know, not the one that is the alcoholic. But thank you again for sharing who you were. You are so much braver than me.
My weblog is called "rizzoma en el espejo", something like "me in the mirror"... So I decided to come here and read your words.
I´m agree with amstaff mom, "My name is Steve and I am an alcoholic"... That`s hard to read; you´re only 20 years old, your too youn to say that kind of things... I´m a extranger but I want to say: just keep going and think about what you want to be... Don´t keep in the dark present; look for your future...
Good Bye
The part where you are talking about Dale made me cry. So much emotion.
I also want to note that what the people wrote in your book is who they saw, and that's the Steve that we know today! So they could see you through your pain and addictions. Cool, huh?
Yeah...this post has brought tears to my eyes too. The whole bit about Dale...that was very touching to me.
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