Chapter 44

Fishbowl.

Today is the day that I have been dreading. Second to last day here and it is fishbowl day. I guess this is a right of passage.

Fishbowl consists of the addict, his or her family and the other addicts and family members that are leaving the facility that week. There is also a counselor in the room.

Each addict gets to take his or her turn sitting in front of family members and hearing them tell you exactly how your addictions has made them feel. How it has hurt them.

Feelings.

I have seen people come out of this room before and it isn't pretty. So much pain and built up anger. There has been explosions in these meetings. This is perhaps the only time the family of an addict has had the opportunity to release what they have felt. It is intense and it is a humbling experience.

Cozmo and I get to do it together. This is the one thing that makes me feel like I can do this. Our brother Curtis is also in the room with his Mom and Dad and the three of us have been trying to imagine what all of this is going to be like. I know that my parents aren't here to punish me and tell me what a bad Son I have been, in fact it is the opposite. They are here because they support me. That is huge in this whole process. Cozmo has his entire family, little brother included, sitting with him and so does Curtis.

Listening to the pain and fear in the voices of family is tough. This is real emotion. Curtis sits and listens to his Mom and Dad tell him about the pain his addiction has caused. Cozmo does the same. Family members take turns talking about whatever they want and the addict just has to listen and not say a word. After they are finished you can say your peace. Then anyone in the room can talk about what they see or what they have seen.

The thing that is also tough to see is the other addicts that are in the room that didn't have any family show up at all. The chick with the roots is in the room and she is alone. She doesn't say a word the whole time.

Listening to my Mom and Dad talk about the effects of my addiction on them tore a hole in me. My Father is a strong man. A retired Naval Commander. To hear his voice crack makes my stomach turn.

So many sleepless nights wondering if they were going to get the call. All the car wrecks and all the time spent hiding from my family.

My Mom just wants her son back.

She just wants her baby boy.

Most of all they just want me to be happy once again. The truth is they want the very best for me and they always have. My Dad tells me that he really hopes this sticks. That I don't take the easy way out and I really put my heart into this.

I can only get out a few words.

I will. I am so sorry.

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All three of us have to take a little break away from the families after the experience. Cigarettes were smoked as if they were the very things sustaining life in us.

We just smoked in silence, occasionally glancing at each other and shaking our heads as we exhaled huge clouds of smoke.

There just really isn't much more to say after you have gone through that. We just all listened to years worth of pain wrapped into about an hour and half. I know that I don't ever want to put the people I love into a situation like that again.

After a couple smokes we head back in for lunch. I don't think any of us had a stomach for eating.

On the way in I see Lacey.

So you got to go through the fishbowl.

Ohhh yeah.

How was it?

It was just as tough as they said it was going to be. I am pretty drained from it.

We sat and talked for quite a while. She is sunshine to me in here. We have gotten to know each other pretty well and I really want to keep in touch when I get out of here. She will be in for another three weeks or so.

As always, Aaron comes walking through the courtyard and joins in our conversation.

This guy is killing me.