Chapter 48

My first night home and I really didn't sleep. It actually feels foreign to be home. I wake up and know that there is no bacon waiting for me. No glorious mound of bacon next to heaping trays of hashbrowns and eggs.

I just might starve.

I take a long shower and try and put together my day in my head. I don't have one thing planned and right now that is a bad thing. I know that I am dangerous when I don't have something to do. My anxiety level is through the roof. I just know I have to get out of the house.

What I really miss is my mornings at the YMCA.

I decide to take a walk instead. I live in Northwest Portland which is always hopping with a tireless stream of Urban Hipsters and shopaholics. I light up my morning smoke and head down 23rd.

It is a crisp morning. I love mornings like this in the Northwest, especially when I am waking up to them and not going to sleep to them.

I say "Good morning" to every single person I pass. I don't do the walk with the head down thing. I look people in the eye and say good morning and the great thing about the Northwest is most people say it back and mean it.

As I walked I tried to think of what my days were going to be like.

I know one thing. I am not going back to work for at least a month. I just can't go back there right now. I need to get better. I really need to go in and talk to everyone and let them know that I am not the same guy anymore.

At least I think I'm not the same guy.

Maybe that's what I will do later today. I know that I have a paycheck at work so that always makes a trip worthwhile. I know that I don't need the money right now because I am sitting on a big chunk of change from my Saturday night before rehab gig.

I would just really like to see Sam, my Christian brother from work, and tell him thanks for being there for me when I needed him. I know that he and his wife prayed for me while I was in rehab and I know that it helped.

I walked. I smoked. I saw the most glorious vision in front of me, calling me. I realized I was going to be entering into an amazing love affair with this new beauty in my life.

Starbucks.

Real coffee. Legal juice.

I felt no shame as I entered into this haven from the cold. The smell of Sumatra, Sulawesi, Guatemala Antiqua and the "hissss" of frothing milk makes me close my eyes briefly as I slowly take the air into my nostrils.

What can I get for you?

Her voice pulls me from my trance.

Without hesitation I proudly announce my hearts desire.

Quad Venti Mocha.

Would you like whipped cream?

Did she just ask if I wanted whipped cream? Hell yes I want whipped cream! Does a fat dog fart?

Yes please.

I walk out once again into my new life aided by a warm and heavily caffeinated beverage. I light yet another cigarette and decide I need to take care of the other thing that is missing.

I walk down into the Pearl District because I know that there is a 24 hour Fitness there. By the time I get there I have finished my coffee and two cigarettes. I have never been a gym rat so I feel a little out of my element in here. I decide that I need to get a membership. I sit down and talk with a girl who is a little more muscular than me about the different programs they have. I decide to actually put a good amount of my Saturday night funds to work. I get a three year membership and also get myself a personal trainer and a nutritionist.

I laugh at the fact I now am a guy with a personal trainer and nutritionist.

We aren't in Kansas anymore Toto.

I leave with a vast array of supplements and vitamins. I mean, if I am going to do this I should go all out. I have never been one to go halfway.

I walk home and unload my vast array of pills, healthy pills for once and I get in my car and take a sober drive to work. Pulling into the parking lot makes me nervous. I don't really know what it is going to be like to see all these people right now. I walk to the front door and decide that I will stand out front and smoke a little first. I see a couple folks that know me and they ask me how I am. I tell them I am great, never been better.

You look good.

I feel good.

I finish my smoke and head into the building. I turn left once again to see my boss, this time without the tears. He is sitting behind his desk and he gets a big smile when he sees me.

Hey Dude! Wow, good to see you!

We talk for a while and I ask him if it is ok if I take a month off work. He tells me to take as much time as I need. I try and tell him Thank you without crying and I just can't. He just tells me how proud he is that I took these steps.

I leave his office and walk to the other side of the building. I can feel so many people looking at me. I didn't leave without telling all of my co-workers what was happening. The last thing I wanted was rumors when I was gone. I told them all straight up, face to face.

My reception was a warm one.

Lots of hugs and lots of "you look good". I had lost a ton of weight and I can only imagine that I had some life back in my eyes.

I loved seeing my two best friends at work, Sam and Scott. Sam just smiled ear to ear. A warm smile that really made me happy. He gave me a hug and said it was great to see me. He said that he and his wife had been praying for me.

I told him that I knew.

It worked.

We all talked for a while and I let them all know I would be back after a month or so. Everyone offered any help they could give.

I haven't sat at my desk for a while. I know that my top drawer has several prescription bottles in it. I open the drawer and see the empty bottles. I grab them all and throw them in the trash.

I have enough reminders already.