Chapter 49

My second full day outside of rehab.

I am so out of sorts. My cravings are about ten times worse as they were while I was in. I actually wake up at 5:30 AM. I go for a walk and I end up at the Alano House and they have a sunrise meeting called the Dawn Patrol. It is like a Godsend.

I drink a few cups of AA coffee and I listen. After my first experience with meetings after rehab I think it is best that I just listen to what others with some experience have to say.

What I really like is the friendly faces. There is men and women here that have some serious sober time. I know that they have to be doing something right. One of the last things that my counselor Adam told me was to stick with the winners.

Stick with those that have time in the program.

I promised myself and my family that I would listen to what I learned in rehab. I know how easy it would be for me to go right back into my old life.

The meeting is just what I needed. I know now that at least there is an early morning meeting that I can hit when I can't sleep. I walk down the back stairs to the parking lot and I see the pay phone on the wall. I don't even hesitate to dial the number.

It is 7:30 AM and everyone should be going to breakfast.

The payphone rings for a while. It usually takes some time for someone to pick it up.

Serenity Lane, who you looking for?

It is Jerrod. Perfect.

Hey Jerrod it's Steve. What's up man?

Dude we miss you. Things are a little quieter around here without you. How is your first couple days out?

I just got out of a meeting and its like 7 AM if that tells you anything.

I hear him laugh and it makes me smile. I actually would love to be back there right now going to breakfast with Cozmo and the boys but I am out now and I vow never to go back as a patient. Ever.

So you missed us already and had to call, huh.

Sorta like that. Is Lacey around?

After taking a serious amount of crap he tells me he will go look. Five minutes pass and I hear the phone booth door open again and my heart beats a little faster.

Couldn't find her but I will make sure I tell her you called.

Don't mess with me J. Make sure you tell her to call me and make sure to tell everyone hey for me. I miss you guys.

We miss you too man. I will call you soon if that cool.

Fine by me. Much love man. Peace.

The click of the phone brings me back to Portland and back to the day ahead. I really would have liked to have talked to Lacey but it is rare that you actually connect on incoming rehab calls.

I am sure that Jerrod put the message on the chalkboard. I can only imagine how happy Aaron is to see it.

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At 11 I have my first personal training session. I am as ready as I will ever be to start this. I get to the gym early because I have to get my nutrition schedule. I am getting put on a strict 2000 calorie diet. I have four meals a day and several options each day to choose from. I have never been one to have any sort of eating restrictions. Smoke enough pot and you will eat anything. I have a Ben and Jerry's ice cream store right across the street from my house. It is 43 steps from my front door to theirs. I only know this because you do stupid things when you are high. It is like pot smokers nirvana to have a Ben and Jerry's so close. They know me almost as well as the liquor store lady.

I have been wondering if she thinks I am dead. This is the longest time she has been without me. The brief thought of visiting her is interrupted by a little 5 foot tall girl in spandex.

Hi Steve!

Wow is she perky.

I am Amy and I am going to be your personal trainer!

Wow is she perky.

I can't believe that this tiny little girl is going to be any challenge for me at all.

An hour later I feel like I have never been more wrong in my life.

The amount of hell that can be packed into such a small body amazes me. She worked me like a minimum wage job, brutal and unsatisfying. I have discovered that there are muscles I didn't even know about. Every one of them is mad at me and asking why I couldn't have just left them sleeping.

My little aerobics instructor from hell asks me to join her for her spinning class tomorrow. I have no clue at all what a spinning class is so I say yes.

Seriously, how hard can it be.

As I leave the gym I really wish that I had driven my car the 11 blocks from my house because the way my butt is fighting my legs is driving me crazy.

I make the slow walk home. I take a shower and once again am faced with nothing but time. I can tell this is going to be my biggest enemy. Boredom. I know that I am going to have to keep busy. Meetings. I need meetings.

I have a little schedule of every meeting in the Portland area and I sit down and figure out where they all are.

6:30 AM everyday at The Alano club. They also have a surrender at noon meeting and the 5:30 New Alternatives group where I met my sponsor. At 11 PM they have the Night Owls meeting. There are four meetings at least everyday that I can get to with in walking distance of my house.

I thank God right then and there.

It is the in between times that are going to be tough.

I take a trip to the grocery store to purchase all of my new diet foods. I haven't had a shopping cart full of the four food groups since I was actually sitting in the front of it staring at my Mom pushing the dang cart.

Out with the bad and in with the good.

I get home and make a fabulous lunch and I sit out on my front porch and eat. I smoke a couple cigarettes and decide it has been way too long since I had a talk with my best friend.

She feels good in my hands.

I haven't held her in over a month.

The sound of my guitar soothes my soul. I sit on my front porch and I play for three hours straight. My fingers couldn't be happier.

I finally get to hear what "Tired of Getting High" sounds like on a real guitar. It changes a bit more than I expected but it sure sounds a heck of a lot better than it did playing it on the wooden bar in rehab.

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I meet my new sponsor Jeff at the 5:30. He asks me how my day has been and I tell him all about my new aerobics instructor from hell. I tell him that I am doing something called spinning tomorrow.

He just smiles at me and says, good luck with that.

We sit through the meeting and I have to say that I really feel at home with these people. I hear stories that I can relate to and I know what people are talking about.

After the meeting Jeff asks me if I am ready to start working the program. I tell him that I am very ready and that I will do whatever it takes.

Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

What I want you to do, Steve, is go home and write down 10 ways how you are powerless over alcohol and 10 ways your life has become unmanageable.

I can do that.

Have you eaten yet?

I can always eat.

Let go get some food and talk some more.

Walking down the street to 23rd I am just amazed at how willing this guy is to help me. This is really only the second time we have met and we are going to get dinner. It is so funny how we connect. I really do feel like I have known him for a while.

We go to Santa Fe's and get big ole burrittos.

We talk about my story. Where I came from and how I drank and drugged. He told me all about his. So many similarities that it is spooky.

We talk about music.

I tell him how bad I feel about being in a Christian band and being the way that I am.

You didn't tell me your band was a Christian band?

Yeah.

I think that is awesome. My little brother is a guitarist in a Christian hardcore band.

Are you a Christian Jeff?

I sure am.

I sit and eat and all the while I am thinking that God is just putting everything into place. I can think of only one word right now.

Surrender.