Chapter 56
Step 3 in this program really makes me think.
"Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood him"
I have thought in so many ways that I had done this so many times before. The truth is I never even came close. This is the first real "action" step in the program. The first two steps just had me thinking about what I already knew. Alcohol and drugs had me at a point of powerlessness and I knew that only God could set me free.
Now I have to act on that.
It says I made a decision to turn my will over. Nobody is forcing me. I have to make a decision to turn it over.
All of it.
My whole life turned over to the care of God.
The word that Jeff points out to me is "Care". The CARE of God. It doesn't say neglect or anything else. It says "Care". God will take care of me if I just turn over the keys to my spiritual car and give Him the wheel for once.
My own self-will has been the barrier.
Willingness to give it to God is the next logical step. Jeff tells me that this step in the program will make all the difference in the rest of the steps. Align my will with the will of God and changes will happen.
All along it has been my own self-will. Trying to solve my problems with my own will instead of figuring out what God's will is for me in everything.
I start trying to figure this step out.
I start spending time every night in meditation. Not just praying to God but actually listening to Him. Quieting my mind and body enough to try and connect to that still small voice inside of me.
Prayer is the act of talking to God.
Meditation is shutting up and listening.
*********************************************
I get a call from Cozmo. He and I have been staying in very close contact since getting out. He is down in Corvallis which is a fairly short drive south of me.
What's up Cozmo? How are things?
Man, this shit is hard. You know how it is.
You staying sober?
What do you think? Of course I am. I am through with the hell. Hey, I heard that Hawaii Eric is getting people together down in Eugene for a barbecue and a meeting. You in?
Yeah, I could do that.
Cool. Swing by and pick my ass up then.
It is always good to talk to Bryce. He is a brother now. Nothing will take that away. I call Curtis up also and he is game for the meeting. I tell him that Bryce and I will pick him up for that.
The Three Lushkateers will ride once again.
*****************************************
It is a little odd seeing everyone again. I guess its just odd seeing them outside of rehab. We sit around and eat hamburgers and talk about what we all have been up to. I talk about how many meetings I have been hitting and also that I have a great sponsor. Not many others are going to meetings like I am.
I hear a rumor that Jerrod has relapsed. A couple others have gone back to drinking and using less than a month out of rehab.
Self-will.
People are openly mad about the others that have relapsed. I am just sad. I believed them in rehab when they said only 15% or so make it. Others called "BS" to it but I had a feeling they were telling the truth.
A lot of these guys live down here. A lot of them are relying on each other to keep them sober. A lot of them aren't going to make it based on that alone.
I am so worried about myself relapsing that I don't worry about anyone else.
I have love in my heart for all of them and I do want them to stay clean but I won't go down with any of them. I am not strong enough yet to pick myself back up.
We have a meeting.
Whenever you get 2 or more Alcoholics together you can have a meeting. You can get that healing going on.
Sounds very familiar to me.
"Whenever two or more are gathered...."
We stay for a while and then head out. We take Curtis back to his parents house and tell him to stay in touch. Bryce and I drive back to Corvallis. We stay at his parents house and shoot pool and play video games into the wee hours of the morning. He and I are brothers. I have a connection with him that I can't ever explain.
and I don't need to.
His family has opened their arms and home to me like I was a son. They see that Cozmo and I are good for each other. Positive influence.
We spend a great weekend hanging out.
He rides me like no other about Lacey. All in good fun.
We both are happy.
Right where we wanted to be.
"Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood him"
I have thought in so many ways that I had done this so many times before. The truth is I never even came close. This is the first real "action" step in the program. The first two steps just had me thinking about what I already knew. Alcohol and drugs had me at a point of powerlessness and I knew that only God could set me free.
Now I have to act on that.
It says I made a decision to turn my will over. Nobody is forcing me. I have to make a decision to turn it over.
All of it.
My whole life turned over to the care of God.
The word that Jeff points out to me is "Care". The CARE of God. It doesn't say neglect or anything else. It says "Care". God will take care of me if I just turn over the keys to my spiritual car and give Him the wheel for once.
My own self-will has been the barrier.
Willingness to give it to God is the next logical step. Jeff tells me that this step in the program will make all the difference in the rest of the steps. Align my will with the will of God and changes will happen.
All along it has been my own self-will. Trying to solve my problems with my own will instead of figuring out what God's will is for me in everything.
I start trying to figure this step out.
I start spending time every night in meditation. Not just praying to God but actually listening to Him. Quieting my mind and body enough to try and connect to that still small voice inside of me.
Prayer is the act of talking to God.
Meditation is shutting up and listening.
*********************************************
I get a call from Cozmo. He and I have been staying in very close contact since getting out. He is down in Corvallis which is a fairly short drive south of me.
What's up Cozmo? How are things?
Man, this shit is hard. You know how it is.
You staying sober?
What do you think? Of course I am. I am through with the hell. Hey, I heard that Hawaii Eric is getting people together down in Eugene for a barbecue and a meeting. You in?
Yeah, I could do that.
Cool. Swing by and pick my ass up then.
It is always good to talk to Bryce. He is a brother now. Nothing will take that away. I call Curtis up also and he is game for the meeting. I tell him that Bryce and I will pick him up for that.
The Three Lushkateers will ride once again.
*****************************************
It is a little odd seeing everyone again. I guess its just odd seeing them outside of rehab. We sit around and eat hamburgers and talk about what we all have been up to. I talk about how many meetings I have been hitting and also that I have a great sponsor. Not many others are going to meetings like I am.
I hear a rumor that Jerrod has relapsed. A couple others have gone back to drinking and using less than a month out of rehab.
Self-will.
People are openly mad about the others that have relapsed. I am just sad. I believed them in rehab when they said only 15% or so make it. Others called "BS" to it but I had a feeling they were telling the truth.
A lot of these guys live down here. A lot of them are relying on each other to keep them sober. A lot of them aren't going to make it based on that alone.
I am so worried about myself relapsing that I don't worry about anyone else.
I have love in my heart for all of them and I do want them to stay clean but I won't go down with any of them. I am not strong enough yet to pick myself back up.
We have a meeting.
Whenever you get 2 or more Alcoholics together you can have a meeting. You can get that healing going on.
Sounds very familiar to me.
"Whenever two or more are gathered...."
We stay for a while and then head out. We take Curtis back to his parents house and tell him to stay in touch. Bryce and I drive back to Corvallis. We stay at his parents house and shoot pool and play video games into the wee hours of the morning. He and I are brothers. I have a connection with him that I can't ever explain.
and I don't need to.
His family has opened their arms and home to me like I was a son. They see that Cozmo and I are good for each other. Positive influence.
We spend a great weekend hanging out.
He rides me like no other about Lacey. All in good fun.
We both are happy.
Right where we wanted to be.
posted by steve at 10:46 AM
1 Comments:
Nice.
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