Chapter 57

My day to day life gets to be a little closer to normal, whatever that is.

I go to work. I go to my meeting. I go to the gym. I come home and I play music or Lacey comes over.

It is not the exciting life that I always dreamed of but it sure is beating the alternative. The one thing that I am really missing is my band. I am missing playing with Mark and Joe. I feel like a big part of my life isn't complete. I don't know if it is time yet to contact them. I drove quite a nail into our relationship that is going to take some time to heal.

Part of my program is going to deal with making amends to people. I want to start doing that right now but Jeff tells me that the steps are in order for a reason. I am not at that step yet.

I call Joe anyways just to say hello.

He and Mark have been back playing together again. Just the two of them. Joe asks me if I ever think about coming back. I tell him that I think about it every day. He wants to talk to Mark about it and see if it would be ok for me to come out and jam. I really want to do this but I also know that Mark probably doesn't trust me at all anymore.

I tell Joe to ask Mark but tell him that I am in no way pressuring the situation.

It feels great to be talking to Joe again. I just pray that Mark, Joe and I can somehow get back to being the brothers we once were.

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I go to my first group conscience meeting.

That is the meeting after the regular meeting where decisions are made for the group. I am there because I want to get more involved in the meetings. I want to secretary a meeting a week. An A.A. secretary is a person that comes in early and sets everything up. You make the coffee pick the chairperson and read announcements. You also get to hand out any coins that people earn.

There is a 24 hour coin. This is the hardest coin, in my mind, to get and the most important. It is the first step towards salvation.

Then there are 30 day, 60 day, 90 day, six months, nine months and then years.

I carry my 24 hour and my two month coin with me at all times. When I am in the gym on the treadmill, I place my coin in front of me. It lets me know why I am here and it lets me know that no amount of physical pain can match the mental pain that I have put myself through.

The people that run the New Alternatives group have seen me every day for the last month or so. They give me a secretary job. It feels great to get this. It is a way for me to serve. A way to get out of myself and help others in a small way.

Jeff and I meet that night and he tells me I have a made a good choice to do service work. He says it will make a ton of difference in the long run.

He says that we are ready for one of the hard steps.

Step 4.

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves"

Be complete as you can be, Steve. Make a honest assessment of everything you have ever done wrong. Everything. Write down the secrets you were going to take to the grave with you.

I look at him like you HAVE to be joking.

He isn't.

The big book says that a business that doesn't take inventory will almost always go broke. Well, my friend, your butt is broke!

I love this guy.

I go home that night and start writing out my moral inventory. I write down every last sin that I can remember committing. Who had I wronged in this life? Who had I hurt? Who did I steal from? Who did I lie to?

It is the most overwhelming thing I have ever done.

and the most humbling.

Jeff has me also write out a list of resentments that I have and why.

Resentment, he says, is the biggest offender and the one that will send me back to the bottle or pipe every time. I had read that in the Big Book.

I made the list of my resentments. I made a list of my sin.

Sixteen pages and two days later I felt like I had been to hell and back. I can't believe what a complete pile of garbage I have been. I feel sick to my stomach when I hold this list.

It has everything I have tried to forget about.

Jeff told me to call him as soon as I finished. He didn't want me sitting on that list for too long without talking about it. I am opening doors that have caused me to drink myself stupid. Doors that hold the pain of my insecurities and doors that contain the chains that hold me back.

All of the things on this list can be categorized. What need was I trying to fill with each of these sins? Where was I at fault? How could I or what could I have done differently?

Financial insecurity? Emotional insecurity? Pride?

I call Jeff and he asks how I am doing after writing all of that. I tell him that I am not doing so hot. I feel like I just visited every mistake I ever made.

When do you want to meet and talk about it all? The next step is going to require you to tell me all of it.

I knew that was the case but right now I can't even imagine telling him some of the things on this list. What will he think of me? He is going to know my failures as a man, as a son, as a friend.

Steve, I promise you that what you tell me I will carry to the grave. There is nothing on that list that I haven't done or at least thought about doing in my own life.

I wouldn't be so sure about that, Jeff.

Let's get together and you can try me.

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Step 5- "Admitted to God, to ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs"

We sat in his car. I couldn't look him in the eye at all. I sat and held the pages in my hand and just read each one to him.

Humbled.

He didn't say a word to me as I read the list. When I got to the darkest secrets of my life, I paused. Not one other person in the world has ever heard what I was about to tell him. No other person ever will.

I cry. It hurts to see my sin. It hurts to confess my sin to him. It really hurts. The seven deadly sins. Greed, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, sloth and the biggest of all was pride.

All of them played out on sixteen pages.

I finish and I look at him for the first time and he is smiling.

I am proud of you. Not many people are willing to do this step.

Jeff then sat there and told me some of his secrets. He trusted me with some of him. When I stepped out of his car I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me. I am no longer running from my sins. I am facing each and every one of them for the first time and I am going to work through them, whatever the cost.

The next steps were calling me. I could feel them.

Step 6- "Were entirely ready to have God remove all of these defects of Character"

Step 7- "Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings"

I don't think I could ever be more ready to have God take away my defects of character. I had been ready for years and years but had just never been able to figure out how He could possibly do that. In my own mind I felt like I had sinned so bad that God could never forgive me.

The problem I was having with Step 6 was the same problem I have had for my whole life. Being entirely ready to accept God and believe that He and only He is the answer to my defects.

The answer to my sin.

Through all of this I am starting to see the truth. With all of my own power I could never stop drinking. Never. I couldn't stop taking drugs. I couldn't stop myself from reaching the lowest point in my life.

From the first time I asked God for help, on a urine soaked floor of a club, He showed me the way. I faltered from the path and the moment I finally saw that I had I called to Him and He was there, showing me the direction and showing me His will for me. When I shut off my own self-will and listen to His, beautiful things happen in my life.

I am ready.

I spend 2 hours in prayer that night. I tearfully and humbly come before God and I admit that I am a man driven by insecurity and sin. I ask to be molded. I pray to healed.

I ask for forgiveness.