Chapter 60

The list is something that is causing me a great deal of anxiety.

Am I really willing to do whatever it takes?

Step 9- "Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others"

What does that mean? Injure them or others?

I have also been going to some step meetings in the past three months. Each week the topic is one of the twelve steps. I like these meetings because I get to hear from people who have experience.

The ninth step meeting was two weeks ago.

We went around the room and took turns reading a paragraph on the ninth step in the 12 and 12 book. The step is all about the right attitude.

and about a huge trust in God.

People in the meeting talk about the mistakes they have made in this step. The harm that they have done in disclosing too much information to someone that actually hurts them more than they were originally hurt.

We want forgiveness but not at the expense of others. We also have to be careful not to do any more harm to ourselves. The step is about being willing to forgive ourselves. To love ourselves and others enough to take responsibility and being ready to accept the consequences.

The hardest part is to not blame the other person at all for my actions. It isn't about their right or wrong. It is about mine.

Let go, Let God

So the journey begins.

Before each amend I pray. I ask God to guide my heart and my words. I pray that the person I am making amends to will understand that I am making steps towards change. Most of all I pray that God controls the outcome and not myself.

I only have control over me.

The face to face amends are the hardest.

I am straight and to the point. I let them know that I am clean and sober and my intention is to ask forgiveness for my wrongs.

Here is what I did.

I never meant to hurt you.

Please forgive me.

I don't wallow in the problem. I hit it head on and then let the person respond. Most of the time it goes better than I ever expected.

There is quite a few women I owe amends to. I try and reach as many as I can. Most all of them thank me and tell me that it was no big deal at all.

I thank them and tell them it is a very big deal to me.

Humbling.

There is also amends that require restitution. My roommate is one of my best friends in the world. I live in his house. At one point, well over a year ago, I found a hundred dollar bill in our easy chair. I knew he had lost it. I spent it anyways.

Well I came to him in the same way I did the others. I also came to him with a hundred dollar bill in hand. I told him that I was not only embarrassed that I kept it but ashamed.

He called me an ass and said we were cool.

Gotta love guys.

Family amends were next. Asking my Mom and Dad for forgiveness for the stress and heartache I had put them through. Forgiveness for not being the best Son I could be. Forgiveness for not making them as proud as I should.

They both just want me to keep doing what I am doing. They want me to stay sober. They just really want me to be happy.

I owe huge amends to Joe and to Mark, my bandmates.

I used our band for my own personal glorification. I walked all over them at times in my quest for the spotlight. I lied to them. I didn't allow them to help me. I didn't let know me and know the real pain that I was going through.

I didn't respect our friendship and their love for me.

My brothers were a reflection of Christ's forgiveness. They loved me and told me they supported me. We began a healing process that included me making amends to Mark's wife also. I had lived with them for a short period of time and I had been less than respectful of her home. I know that it is going to take much more than words for all of them to fully forgive. It is going to take action and time.

They will have to see me walking the walk.

The beautiful thing is they love me enough to walk along side of me.

We decide that we really want to get back to playing music together but only for the right reasons. The glorification of God. We want to have a true music ministry. The most important thing is to focus on becoming brothers again.

It is going to be a long and rewarding road.

The amends process is emotionally draining. There is a few that I don't know how to handle. My ex-wife being the biggest. I come to the conclusion that it would not be in either of our best interests for me to try and contact her.

...except when to do so would injure them or others

I think there is only one way for me to handle it.

I sit and I write a letter to her. I ask for forgiveness for being a terrible husband, for the name calling, for the disfunction. In the letter I tell her that I wish her all the best in the world.

I have held onto the pain of this relationship for far too long. I have held the anger. I have held the shame. I have not let the scars heal. I know the only way to free myself from it is forgiveness.

I put the letter in a white envelope with only her first name on it, nothing more. I put a stamp on the envelope and I drop it in the mailbox across the street.

I vow to pray for her everyday.

I release her.

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I make the decision to contact Krista.

I know in my heart that it probably isn't the best idea but I have to clear everything up.

I sit at work and try and figure out if email is going to be the best way. We haven't talked on the phone for quite some time.

I will make the phone call.

I don't remember her work phone number in Colorado so I look it up on my computer. She works for the same company I do so it should be easy.

I have to triple check when her information comes up on the screen.

It says that she is working in downtown Portland.

I dial the number with my stomach in my throat. It is a local number and she answers.

I am silent. I can't think of what I want to say.

Hello?

"Hey" is all I can get out.

She recognizes my voice and asks how I am.

When did you move back?

Two months ago. We weren't talking so I didn't tell you. I didn't want to mess with your recovery. I have been thinking about you and hoping that you are doing ok.

Yeah. I am good.

I am completely stunned that she is back in Portland. It was the last thing I ever expected. We talk for quite some time. She tells me that she had been thinking about coming back for a long time. She bought a house and got a better job with the company here.

It feels really good to talk to her. We get along very well when she isn't lying to me. The hardest thing about her is she is a very sweet girl and we have amazing amounts of laughs together.

Justification.

Lots of times it isn't about the alcohol and drug addiction at all.

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We meet in Washington Park at the rose gardens.

I haven't seen her in a very long time.

The second I see Krista I realize that I am nowhere near over her.

I am making so much progress in my recovery. My day to day life is very hard but I am finding new strength that I really never knew I had. My relationship with God was starting to really build and so is my relationship with Lacey.

I was the one that set this meeting up. I called her and told her that I needed to meet with her to make amends.

I am lying to myself.

This meeting isn't about amends at all.