Chapter 62

The feelings I have towards her seem to overpower any rational judgment.

From the very first moment I met her it seems I made my mind up that she was the one that I was destined to be with. She has driven me to do more than my share of stupid things.

The good that I feel from her seems to always outweigh the bad.

We have everything in common.

Well, almost everything. There is a little thing called "belief in God" that we differ on.

She comes from the "Biology" view of the world. Still I pursue her. I pursue her without consulting anyone else, even God.

This pursuit leads me to a one on one meeting with Lacey. I tell her that I think it is best that we don't see each other. I think that I am doing the right thing. Should two addicts be together? What if one of us relapses? Isn't that more dangerous?

Justification.

We talk and I tell her that she should concentrate on her son and getting her own place. I tell her a lot of things. What I don't mention is Krista. Lacey knows all about her. I talked to her many times about how my heart was broken.

I watch as she cries. This time the tears aren't about what she has been through. The tears are caused by me.

From the moment I found out that Krista had moved back from Colorado I had made my mind up. I was going to make it work this time.

I was in control.

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Lacey and I avoided each other at aftercare meetings for a while.

I was still in the same group. Several people had come and gone. That is just the nature of the beast.

Tattoo Eric is one of them.

Life seemed to have gotten in the way of his recovery and he just stopped coming. I called him a few times and I never got calls back.

I continue to pray for him. I just hope that my gut feeling is wrong and he just started going to meetings on his side of town.

It is good to be in a men's group every week with the same guys. Everyone really gets to know each other and we get to keep each other accountable. You start to see through people's crap in a small group. We call each other on it.

I have some great guys in my group.

We talk outside of the meetings and I see some of them at A.A. meetings all over town. I trust these guys and they trust me.

There is a new kid in outpatient. He started showing up a couple weeks ago. He is convinced that he doesn't need to work a program at all. He is convinced that the only reason he is here is because of a D.U.I. that he got. He says he doesn't have a problem.

Well today he talks about his past.

Two months ago his father found him hanging by his neck and cut him down. His Father found him in time to save his life.

He tells this story and the rest of us just look at him in complete disbelief.

The funny thing about recovery groups is the bluntness.

He tells this story and I look at him and say

Let me get this straight. Your Dad found you hanging by your neck because you tried to kill yourself and you DON'T think you have a problem?

We all kinda laugh. It isn't that we are making fun of him at all. All of us laugh because we know how sick this disease makes us. How much it lies to us about who we really are.

My approach really pisses this kid off.

I tell him straight up that I am not trying to do anything to make him angry and if I have I am sorry. I just want him to hear what it is that all the rest of us hear. I told him about my experience with wanting to kill myself. So did a couple other guys.

He calmed down.

We are all in this group to help each other out.

Our counselor Leeza lets us talk things out. Some days it gets ugly. It gets real ugly. There is a couple guys in group that call me an AA Natzi. I've been called worse so it doesn't phase me. I know in my heart what has worked so far. I know in my heart what is bringing me closer to turning my will over to God.

After the group the kid comes up and asks me what a sponsor is. I shared my experience with getting mine. I told him to go to a meeting and find someone who had what he wanted. Someone that would really work the program with him.

He said he would do that.

I gave him my number and told him he could call me any time.

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I started really golfing a lot.

There is no better way to try and relax and gain some serenity then playing the most frustrating sport in the world. It is good for me though. It teaches me how to fail gracefully over and over again. Something that has eluded me for years.

The best part of the game is that moment you hit a perfect shot.

It feels so good to taste a piece of perfection after so much failure.

Golf is a sport that I really struggle with. My Dad loves to golf and actually works out at a golf course one day a week so he can golf there free. I want to get better at the game so we can play together. It is a great way to spend 4 hours with my Dad.

Every Summer my family has gone to the Oregon coast and stayed for a week. We all get together and golf and have a great time. This Summer will be my first time sober. It should be interesting. I just want to play as much golf as I can before we go this year.

Luckily, my sponsor Jeff is a golfer also.

He and I play quite a bit. It is good to just get out and smoke cigars and talk about life. Some of our best talks happen out on the golf course. He is becoming so much more than a sponsor to me. He is like a big brother. Someone who knows the pain I am feeling because he has been there also.

Through Jeff I meet a lot of guys that have some serious time in the program. It solidifies the fact that the program works.

If you work it.