Chapter 63

Playing and writing music with Mark and Joe is a beautiful thing in my life.

I know in my heart that God has been trying to do something with all of us for quite some time. The way we all met, how it was all put together, could only be described as an act of God.

When I first met them and started playing with them I was at such a low point in my life. I was having such a hard time with everything. I was just coming out of a terrible marriage and I just didn't think that I could have any happiness.

I didn't know if playing in this band, "I Am", was the right thing to be doing. I knew I wanted to play but is it the best thing for me. About the third week of playing with them I started really suffering from some serious anxiety in my life. At this time I had a Jeep whose windshield wipers never worked. This night driving out to Joes house to practice was particularly dark and stormy.

The rain was coming down at a rate that was making it almost impossible for me to drive.

It was frustrating me to the point of tears.

It was one of those "nothing is ever going to go easy on me" moments. I was literally arguing out loud with God while I was driving on highway 217.

ARE YOU EVER GOING TO GIVE ME A BREAK?

ARE YOU EVER GOING TO JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?

I was so frustrated. I really needed to know if I was doing the right thing by devoting my energy to this band. Is this really what God wants me to do? Was it just one big coincidence that I prayed to Him and it seemed like He answered by giving me a new boss who happened to be a Pastor? That same boss introduced me to Joe who, together with Mark, had been praying for a singer. Am I just making it out to be something that it isn't?

Over and over in my head I had these questions. Finally I just screamed out loud to God.

IF THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME THEN SHOW ME!

At the split second those words left my mouth my windshield wipers came to life.

I broke down in a mixture of laughter and tears. It was to a point where I couldn't control the outpouring of emotion. I had to actually pull my Jeep off of the highway.

I got out in the pouring rain and through my laughter and tears looked skyward and yelled

SERIOUSLY, JUST A SMALL SIGN WILL DO!



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Here we are again some three years later.

We are all different.

With each time we get together we grow closer again. It seems that God can heal broken relationships if they are honestly brought to the foot of the cross. I am trying to still wade through all the guilt issues I have in my life. That seems to be the biggest bi-product of my drinking and using.

Guilt.

Slowly I am learning to really put it all in God's hands. It is still very hard for me to let it all go. Part of me still holds on despite all of the work I have done. It is hard to fathom that this is going to be a lifelong struggle for me.

I will always be an addict.

I will always be an alcoholic.

If I chose to drink again I know in my heart it will kill me and I can guarantee that it won't be pretty.

I am amazed by my two brothers. They are showing me love when I probably don't deserve it. I never thought that they would really understand what I was going through. Especially when I was going through it. I thought that I was so unique in my suffering.

Terminal uniqueness.

I am seeing now that I have never been alone. Everyone has pain and everyone falls short of the glory of God.

Mark has really been opening up more and sharing his past experiences. It pains me to know that he has done this before with me but I really didn't see our similarities. I was so blind.

I am excited to see what God has in store for all of us.


**************************************************

It is a vivid dream.

In the dream I am playing guitar and singing the phrase "More like your Son".

I wake up and I know that I have to get my pen and notebook. I know that I am going to have to grab my guitar. I get up and look at the clock and it reads 3:15 AM. I sit Indian style on my bed with my guitar. I pluck out a very simple bass line. I hear a distinct melody in my head. I just start writing.

I once was lost inside
not that long ago
longing to be free
so unsure of where to go
all that I've know
everything I've felt
It took me from your Grace
as I glorified myself
Glorified myself

Standing strong I'm a man
thankful for all you've done
I'm trying harder every day
To be more like Your Son

Now inside I've grown
much stronger I've become
now I long for love
the love of a Father's Son
Standing strong I am
the man that I've become
a little closer every day
a little more like Your Son

I write the song in a single sitting and I know that when I take it to Mark and Joe they will add their influence to it. I feel very close to God at this moment. I feel like I am starting to listen to what He wants.

I still know it will be no easy road.


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