Chapter 64

One of the hardest steps for me in this whole process is step 10.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

This is a daily step for me.

That means I fail at it daily. I have lived a life full of half truths for so long that it is a very hard habit to break. Rationalization and justification have been two training wheels that I haven't been able to fully remove.

Without them I have a tremendous fear that I will crash. I will fail. That is my day to day battle still. Fear of failing.

The Big Book will say it's all about progress and not perfection.

That is a tough one for me. I still think that I can be perfect. It has been a downfall of mine for as long as I can remember. I am never good enough for myself.

My progress has at least allowed me to admit that and it has at least allowed me to see how completely irrational that is. Day by day it gets better through work and through prayer. I start my day with the same prayers. I begin with the serenity prayer and then I ask God for strength. I pray that I stay clean and sober and I pray that I approach all situations with a pureness of spirit.

I approach each day that way.

I fail at it everyday in one way or the other. The difference is I work the program around it.

There is a lady at work that I really can't stand. She is fairly new and she thinks she knows everything. Right away I know I will have problems with her because of the attitude.

Truth is it is a trait that I have. I know everything. I hate it in her because I hate it in me. This is something in the past that I could never admit.

Well we got into it. I said a few things that I really wish I hadn't said. I wasn't the one who started it. I had one of her clients on the phone and she had given the client some poor information. She was on the other line so I did my best to handle the issue. The client wasn't happy at all. I took the full force of the anger and that never makes a guy smile.

I went over to her to explain what had happened and she got nasty with me. Instead of staying calm I shot it right back at her and walked away.

See if I ever try and help you again.

For the next hour I sat and just fumed about it. Most people would say I handled it the way I should have but I just can't let anger play a role in my day to day anymore. I get resentment and I want to drink. Even though I might have been justified in what I said to her it was still wrong.

When I am wrong I promptly admit it.

Well I swallow my pride and I walk over and apologize. She has the nerve to berate me a little over it and I just shut my mouth. I will never be able to control anyone else's actions but my own. I have a responsibility to myself and myself only. I let her say whatever she wanted and then walked away.

I cleaned my side of the street.

That's just how I have operate from now on. When I mess up I have to see and admit to myself that I failed and I have to try and make it right.

At night I do what the Big Book says. I look at my day and I see where I succeeded and I see where I failed. Do I owe anybody amends? How could I have acted differently? What do I need to change?

I hate doing this some days.

I hate it.

That doesn't change the fact I have to do it to achieve long term sobriety.

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This year is the first year that I will be sober for my family vacation.

I am nervous about it. The past six months have not flown by at all. It seems like my days have crawled by. Each day in sobriety has been a long day indeed.

Krista and I have been talking quite a bit and she is concerned about what my family thinks about her. I have been honest with my family and told them that she is back in my life. They were not very happy to hear this because of the track record of our relationship. I told them that things were going to be different and that we had completely talked about the past mistakes she had made.

My family supports me. They may not agree with me but they support me. That is what family is all about.

I talk to Krista and tell her exactly that. I tell her that my family will welcome her with open arms if it is what I want. I ask her if she would like to meet me down at the beach for part of my vacation. She agrees to do that.

I spend a good amount of time with my nephews when I go to the beach. We build sandcastles and play in the ocean. The other thing is the arcades.

Skee-ball has long been a family tradition passed down from generation to generation. I have played these very Skee-ball machines when I was there age. I know that my Mom and Dad did also. The beach has family history.

There is nothing better than good family history.

I want to be able to spend as much time with my nephews as I can. I want them to remember me as a good man. A good Uncle who was always there to bring them smiles. I don't ever want them to remember me as a drunk.

Ever.

So we all spend time playing Skee-ball and Fascination. We collect tickets that the boys will use at the end of the trip to get ridiculously overpriced candy and toys.

Bite sized bit-o-honeys have been known to cost in the upwards of twelve dollars.

It is ok though, time spent with family has never had a price tag.

I have been going to the same meeting every day for almost six months. It is very hard to be away. I don't go to a meeting my first night at the beach. The second night comes and I really need one. I had looked up the meetings online and there are meetings every night. It says they are at "The Little Yellow House".

They didn't lie.

It is a little yellow house on 3rd street. This is my first meeting outside of Portland. It didn't shock me at all to find out that the addicts and alcoholics were just the same here at the beach as they were in Portland. The meetings weren't much different at all.

It is comforting to me.

No matter where I go I know there will always be people that have the same problems and issues as I do. There will always be people who are searching for the same healing that I am now searching for. There is an amazing amount of strength in that.

There is peace.

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Krista is welcomed by everyone when she shows up.

I didn't expect it to be any different. I know my brother holds a pretty serious grudge against her. My brother saw me through my relationship with my ex-wife. He stood by my side and gave me support in ways that he may never know. I can only imagine that he just doesn't want to see me hurt like that ever again.

I don't blame him.

He was a perfect gentleman to her and that makes me happy.

We spent the day running and playing with the boys on the beach. It was great. The boys really like her.

Unfortunately she is really busy with work this week and can't stay for a couple days like originally planned. The good thing is she didn't miss out on family bowling night. This is a riot.

The clan of us goes and takes over the bowling alley. Watching the boys bowl is a little slice of heaven. They are so dang cute.

They also are really competitive.

This is a trait that runs in the family.

We have a great day and evening. It is awesome that I could show Krista what kind of family I had. I am very thankful that they trust and respect my decision.

Nobody says a negative word about it.