Chapter 65
This is the most time I have spent with my family since getting clean and sober. My Dad and brother and I golf every day and it is wonderful, but I still feel uncomfortable. It isn't that I don't like spending time with them at all, it is the fact that I am going through so much change.
Some days it really feels like they just won't understand what is going on inside of me.
A couple times during the vacation I just have to go and be by myself in my room. It is hard to explain to myself, let alone them, why I feel the need to isolate myself. I have always loved action and attention. I have hated being alone.
I hated seclusion because I hated the guy that was keeping me company.
It is different now. I am starting to enjoy the quiet time I can have alone. I am enjoying getting to know my true thought process and what really makes me act the way I do.
I am finding peace.
Maybe it is finding me.
Tonight I just sit alone on the beach listening to the lull of the ocean. The rhythm of the waves allow me to calm my soul. The night is perfectly clear which is rare at the coast. I watch the sunset.
I watch as the sun slowly drops, seemingly right into the ocean. The colors are beautiful as the evening light fades before my eyes. Complete and total peace takes its place as my eyes turn skyward to gaze at the stars.
I think to myself that this might be the first time in my life that I have felt this small and been ok with the thought. I am but one grain of this sand that slowly sifts through my fingers.
The sound of the ocean soothes my restless heart and sets my mind free. Free from addiction, free from pain, free from worry and most of all free from myself.
This is the God that I long to know better.
The God that created this night.
This one perfect night etched forever upon me.
Without question a simple "Thank you" doesn't feel like it would ever be enough to express the feelings of gratitude. The waves crash as I close my eyes and take in the coastal air.
It is pure, unmarred by the foulness of this world.
It is everything I ever wanted to be.
Some days it really feels like they just won't understand what is going on inside of me.
A couple times during the vacation I just have to go and be by myself in my room. It is hard to explain to myself, let alone them, why I feel the need to isolate myself. I have always loved action and attention. I have hated being alone.
I hated seclusion because I hated the guy that was keeping me company.
It is different now. I am starting to enjoy the quiet time I can have alone. I am enjoying getting to know my true thought process and what really makes me act the way I do.
I am finding peace.
Maybe it is finding me.
Tonight I just sit alone on the beach listening to the lull of the ocean. The rhythm of the waves allow me to calm my soul. The night is perfectly clear which is rare at the coast. I watch the sunset.
I watch as the sun slowly drops, seemingly right into the ocean. The colors are beautiful as the evening light fades before my eyes. Complete and total peace takes its place as my eyes turn skyward to gaze at the stars.
I think to myself that this might be the first time in my life that I have felt this small and been ok with the thought. I am but one grain of this sand that slowly sifts through my fingers.
The sound of the ocean soothes my restless heart and sets my mind free. Free from addiction, free from pain, free from worry and most of all free from myself.
This is the God that I long to know better.
The God that created this night.
This one perfect night etched forever upon me.
Without question a simple "Thank you" doesn't feel like it would ever be enough to express the feelings of gratitude. The waves crash as I close my eyes and take in the coastal air.
It is pure, unmarred by the foulness of this world.
It is everything I ever wanted to be.
posted by steve at 10:32 PM
3 Comments:
What a beautiful post. You are a writer, my friend. Thanks for sharing what you have learned.
This chapter could almost be a song. It's so poetic and brings peace to even my soul as I read it.
The last few lines reminded me of these lyrics.
What can wash away my sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus. What can make me whole again?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
You have been washed clean, my friend. By the Creator of the sand, the waves, the seashore and the water.
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