Chapter 66

My first sober Summer.

Seems like this year is nothing but "firsts". I spend most of my Summer getting in shape and golfing. My golf game is just shy of atrocious and I am trying to be ok with that. I usually like to succeed in everything I do but I am slowly letting that go.

Cozmo and I have spent some time together this Summer. It looks like he and I are going to be the two rehab guys that stay in touch. I rarely talk to anyone else, with the exception of the guys in my outpatient group.

I saw my childhood friend Ryan the other day, my friend that Lacey and I saw at our Sunday meeting. He had been sober for over a year and he decided that he hadn't had enough pain yet. He is back drinking. It really bothers me that he gave up all of that sober time. It bothers me because I know him so well and it bothers me because it proves that this disease is never over. It will always be a struggle in one way or another. Ryan will be the first to admit that he just didn't work the program at all. He doesn't want to turn that will over to God.

I just hope that somehow he finds his way back.

I have gotten to a place in my program that I am really thankful for. The 11th step is a turning point for me. Everything up to this point has made such an impact on my life but this step seems to contain the answer that I have really been searching for my whole life.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

I found a gold mine of a meeting every Saturday morning at the club. It is an 11th step meeting. I knew from the first time I sat in this meeting that it was a good one. It is in the attic of the club. The meeting starts with ten minutes of silence. Ten minutes of meditation.

There is an amazing feeling that happens when you get a group of people together actively searching for God's will. It is beautiful. It sets a tone for the rest of the meeting. People are very relaxed and the talk is all about prayer and meditation and how it relates to recovery.

There is some people that go to this meeting that have a lot of time. I think that the prayer and meditation and searching for God's will is a huge reason why they have the time they do. I get to hear these people talk every week and I take what I can use. That is the same with all meetings I go to. I take what I can use and I leave the rest. There is a lot of crap in meetings. That happens because there is a lot of sick people and honestly I can't expect to have some sort of epiphany every meeting I go to. I do see that if I look with the right heart I can find what I need.

I try and take that into my day to day.

If I look at it with the right heart I can find what I need.

The 11th step meeting really gets me focused on calming my mind. It shows me that I can open myself up to God's will if I just silence myself long enough to truly listen. I believe that in that silence I can find the answers that I am searching for. I can find the what this step is talking about.

The answer to what God's will is for me in my life and the strength to carry it out.


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Cozmo and I celebrate nine months of sobriety. That is 270+ days and nights without drugs and alcohol. Each milestone in my recovery is more staggering to me than the last. I never saw myself as a guy who could reach nine months. I think back to those first days in rehab and how horrid it was. How challenging each day was. It is different now that my body has cleansed itself. The desire to drink and use doesn't show itself like it use to.

The true search now is about contentment. It is about happiness and purpose. Being with Krista has made me happy in some ways and in other ways it is so painful. It has been painful for a long time.

This year at Christmas I have been invited to go with Cozmo and his family to Arizona. It would be the first Christmas I have ever spent away from my family. I talk to them about it and they think that I should go and have a great time. I except the invitation.

I get some time off work and fly to Arizona. We have a great time just playing cards and golfing. We are also there to watch the Oregon State Beavers play in the Insight bowl two days after Christmas.

Christmas eve is really hard for me. I knew that being away from my family was going to be tough. I just imagined all of them together eating Christmas eve dinner. I imagined the excitement of my nephews. I did call all of them and talk to my parents. I told them how much they mean to me and how thankful I am for the support this year.

Christmas day we had a huge yatzee tournament with Cozmo's family. I thought me family was competitive but these guys bring it. His Mom can talk trash with the best of them. It is a great time with my "other" family. I have grown to really love these guys.

The football game wasn't as pretty as expected. The Beavers got beat pretty bad by Pitt. Still fun to watch college football.

I have talked to Krista a few times since I have been here. I am just struggling tremendously with our relationship. I can't put my finger on it exactly but I know that God is really trying to tell me something. I feel very uneasy over Christmas.

I start putting the 11th step into practice and I really seek what it is God is trying to tell me.

I pray.

God, I need you to tell me if this relationship is the right one for me. I need to know. I will follow where ever it is you want to lead me. I just need to know.

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We all get back to Cozmo's house and I am going to stay one more day with him. That night at around ten o'clock I get a call from Krista. She really wants to see me and really wants to spend some time with me. She tells me to come back up to Portland. She says that she will be waiting for me outside my house.

I really don't want to drive back to Portland but something tells me that I should. I thank Cozmo and tell him I have to go. He isn't happy that I am cutting out so quickly but he understands.

I have to get back to Portland.

I drive back and meet up with Krista at my house. It is really good to see her. We decide to go inside the house. It looks like my roommate is home. Krista and I walk into the kitchen and my roommate Tom is with a few people. It is two girls and a guy that he had met that night in a bar. He had never met them before tonight. He decided to invite them back to the house.

The first thing I hear when we walk into the kitchen is one of the girls.

Krista?

Immediately I can feel a very uncomfortable vibe in the room coming from this girl and Krista. They say Hi to each other. They obviously know each other. Krista definitely wants to get out of the kitchen. She walks out and tells me she wants to go upstairs.

Who was that?

She tells me it is a girl who use to cut her hair.

She won't give me anymore information then that. It is very uncomfortable. She stays for a few hours but I can tell her mind is elsewhere. She tells me she has to go. She tells me that she loves me.

I fall asleep.

The next morning I wake up and walk downstairs. My roommate Tom is sitting on the couch. He just looks at me with a look I won't forget.

Dude, I don't even know how to start to tell you this.

I look at him confused.

Steve, that girl last night was Krista's hairdresser.

I know, she told me.

Dude, she is married. That girl last night told me that she did Krista's hair on her wedding day. She couldn't believe it when you guys walked into the kitchen holding hands. She got married in July.

The feeling I felt at that very moment was one I hope I never feel again. I just stared at Tom not being able to speak a word.

God man, I am so sorry. I don't know what to say. It's not your fault.

I have to go.

I have to go.

Steve! God man, please don't do anything stupid. This isn't your fault.

I have to go.

Please just stay here man. Just stay.

I have to go.

I walked out the door in a daze. The most surreal moment of my life. I got in my car and just started driving.

July.

One month before she was at the beach with my family. All of it started coming together. The last three years of my life. My God, I talked to her on the phone the day of her wedding. I remember the day. Her friends were in town for a rafting trip.

A rafting trip.

I pulled my car over and opened my door. I threw up. I can't even comprehend any of it.

All I know is that getting drunk feels like the perfect solution.