Chapter 67

Be careful what you wish for.

I asked God for the answer. The question that I keep asking myself is "can I actually deal with this truth"?

I have been through my share of trials in this life. I have been through the refining fires more times than I ever expected. I am at a loss at this very moment. I don't know what I am going to do. This is true heartbreak. I have never awoke to find that part of my life was completely opposite of what I believed it to be.

The pain of my soul was coming to the surface in the form of tears and cries of torment that I have never heard myself make. I don't even know how to begin trying to understand what I am going through. Where can I start?

I drive and scream.

The questions just race in and out of my head.

How?

Why?

I try and call her and she doesn't answer. I continue to try.

I finally get a text message on my phone that says she is scared to talk to me. I don't blame her. I am scared enough of myself right now.

Fear and fury, I am a potent mixture of both. There is feelings raging in me at this moment that I have not felt for almost a year. I am explosive.

I am once again hate.

I text her back to meet me and she actually agrees to do that. I drive to her gym parking lot and wait for her. She shows up and gets in my car.

She tries to say she is sorry.

I tell her to shut up.

I only want to tell her one thing. The pain is building inside of me and I can't say it without screaming it at her.

I HATE YOU! NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR!

I don't even let the door shut for a second before I race my car out of the parking lot.

Fear and fury.

I want only one thing at this moment and it is to get as drunk as I possibly can. I want to fuel my pain the only way I have known how. I want to punish myself.

I am realizing that I am driving like a crazed man. I have already blown straight through one red light. It is only a matter of time before my world comes to a crashing halt.

I pull my car over in a 7-11 parking lot and just let it all out. I know that I have come too far to give up now. I am not that man anymore. I am not that man who will take the easy way out.

I will walk through this fire once again.

I call Jeff, the one person in this world that I feel I can trust at this very moment. I tell him the story and I admit to him that I want to drink myself into oblivion. He asks if I can make it to the 5:30 without drinking before then. I tell him that I will do that.

I start doing what I need to do to protect myself. I call Cozmo and I tell him what has happened. I call my roommate to let him know I am ok. The next call I make is to my parents.

I tell them what has happened. I need them to know so I don't feel so alone in this. My Mom is sickened for me. They are both worried about what this will do to me. They ask if I have talked to Jeff yet. I tell them that I have.

My Mom says the one thing that makes all the sense in the world to me.

Thank God you found out now and not any later.

I started to really think about it.

I sat in Arizona and I prayed long and hard day after day for God to reveal the truth to me about this relationship.

I asked for this.

I needed to know the truth and the truth was revealed to me in an extaordinary way. Many things had come together at exactly the right time to make me see what I had been unable to see for so long. I was more than an hour away when Krista convinced me to drive home. During this time my roommate was out on the town and out of all the people in Portland he could have met and invited back to his house he meets the woman who did Krista's hair on her wedding day. All of it timed to perfection. All of it revealed in the only way I would have believed it.

The fury fades.

I am going to get through this because I know I can get through anything.

Let go, Let God.

I drive and I cry. This is a pain I won't soon forget.

I do make it to that meeting. I sit in the room with all of my fellow addicts and alcoholics and I cry. They support me and they love me. I talk it all through with my sponsor. I only have to answer one question in my mind.

God is either big enough or he isn't.

Which do I honestly believe?