Chapter 68
Once again I am home alone on New Years Eve.
This is like a nightmare Holiday for me. I have rented some movies to try and pass the time and in a lame attempt to shut my mind off. I wish I could say it was working but the reality is I can't stop the pain.
Yesterday I had the pleasure of talking to her husband. She knew it was going to get back to him and I guess she told him. I don't know what she said and I really don't care. The only thing I tell him is that I didn't know and if I did this never would have happened.
Leave me and my wife alone.
Just hearing him say that cuts me to the core. This guy has no idea about the extent of our relationship. It has been YEARS. This wasn't just some random fling. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and shame.
I have so many questions that I will never have answers to. That, in itself, is enough to drive me crazy.
I didn't know.
I didn't know.
I have to say it over and over in my head.
I am so restless. I am trying to watch Ocean's 11 but I just can't get into it so I turn it off. I try and play music but nothing wants to come out. So I just sit and I just stare blankly at the television. The Times Square celebration is on and the ball is going to drop.
What are they even celebrating? I think the only way to describe myself at this point is "bitter". I am really falling into a depression that I can't see a way out of. I just keep thinking that I won't ever trust another woman. I won't ever put myself through this again.
It is done as far as I am concerned. I put my heart out there and only a small part of it came back.
It is my own personal New Year's Eve Pity Party.
At 11:30 or so my phone rings. I know it is her. Every part of me wants to answer it and really punish her with how I am feeling. What's the point...
I just let it ring.
No message is left.
How much longer am I going to do this to myself? I am creating more pain for myself. It is almost like I enjoy it. I am so use to the pain that I feel uncomfortable without it. That is a sick thought.
I need to do the next right thing. I am the only one that can get me out of this. No amount of worry will fix what has happened. What is done is done. I have to get out of my house. I have to be around people that will understand. Things could be worse, I guess...
I could be her husband.
******************************************
I get to the Alano club at 11:50 pm. They are having marathon meetings downstairs in the basement. There are usually marathon meetings every holiday. Apparently I am not the only one that needs a meeting. There is quite a few folks hanging out. People have brought food and the atmosphere is exactly what I needed.
The clock hits midnight and I celebrate my first sober New Years.
I celebrate it with a group of drunks that made the same choice I did. They chose to surround themselves with people that understood that pain inside of them. People that understood the struggle of being alone on a holiday.
I wished everyone a happy New Year and decided to take a walk. I walked down to 21st street and heard the noise of the local bars. The noise of a life I can no longer live. I walk and smoke, reliving in my mind the past year of my life. I have been so enveloped in my recovery and focused on all my errors that I haven't fully seen the truth.
I am sober.
If nothing else, I am that.
I just went through one of the most painful things I have ever experienced in my life and I stayed sober.
Progress, not perfection.
I smile slightly as I continue taking sober steps into a new year of my life.
This is like a nightmare Holiday for me. I have rented some movies to try and pass the time and in a lame attempt to shut my mind off. I wish I could say it was working but the reality is I can't stop the pain.
Yesterday I had the pleasure of talking to her husband. She knew it was going to get back to him and I guess she told him. I don't know what she said and I really don't care. The only thing I tell him is that I didn't know and if I did this never would have happened.
Leave me and my wife alone.
Just hearing him say that cuts me to the core. This guy has no idea about the extent of our relationship. It has been YEARS. This wasn't just some random fling. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and shame.
I have so many questions that I will never have answers to. That, in itself, is enough to drive me crazy.
I didn't know.
I didn't know.
I have to say it over and over in my head.
I am so restless. I am trying to watch Ocean's 11 but I just can't get into it so I turn it off. I try and play music but nothing wants to come out. So I just sit and I just stare blankly at the television. The Times Square celebration is on and the ball is going to drop.
What are they even celebrating? I think the only way to describe myself at this point is "bitter". I am really falling into a depression that I can't see a way out of. I just keep thinking that I won't ever trust another woman. I won't ever put myself through this again.
It is done as far as I am concerned. I put my heart out there and only a small part of it came back.
It is my own personal New Year's Eve Pity Party.
At 11:30 or so my phone rings. I know it is her. Every part of me wants to answer it and really punish her with how I am feeling. What's the point...
I just let it ring.
No message is left.
How much longer am I going to do this to myself? I am creating more pain for myself. It is almost like I enjoy it. I am so use to the pain that I feel uncomfortable without it. That is a sick thought.
I need to do the next right thing. I am the only one that can get me out of this. No amount of worry will fix what has happened. What is done is done. I have to get out of my house. I have to be around people that will understand. Things could be worse, I guess...
I could be her husband.
******************************************
I get to the Alano club at 11:50 pm. They are having marathon meetings downstairs in the basement. There are usually marathon meetings every holiday. Apparently I am not the only one that needs a meeting. There is quite a few folks hanging out. People have brought food and the atmosphere is exactly what I needed.
The clock hits midnight and I celebrate my first sober New Years.
I celebrate it with a group of drunks that made the same choice I did. They chose to surround themselves with people that understood that pain inside of them. People that understood the struggle of being alone on a holiday.
I wished everyone a happy New Year and decided to take a walk. I walked down to 21st street and heard the noise of the local bars. The noise of a life I can no longer live. I walk and smoke, reliving in my mind the past year of my life. I have been so enveloped in my recovery and focused on all my errors that I haven't fully seen the truth.
I am sober.
If nothing else, I am that.
I just went through one of the most painful things I have ever experienced in my life and I stayed sober.
Progress, not perfection.
I smile slightly as I continue taking sober steps into a new year of my life.
posted by steve at 10:06 AM
5 Comments:
ditto
Ditto #2!!
God will always give what is right to his people who cry to him night and day, and he will not be slow to answer them. Luke 18:7
I am so proud of you! Constantly praying for you, Caron
Ditto #3
(just because I like the word "ditto")
Way to go Steve! Making it thru heartache and New Year's Eve without drinking shows some great strength (that comes only from the Lord) and growth! I'm proud of you.
I'm also so sorry about the relationship. There is no pain like the pain of heartache. I hope you have grown past this and can now trust "women" again. I'm really hoping you have found someone very special, who loves the Lord first and you a close second.
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