Thursday, January 19, 2006

Chapter 69

Pain fades only as much as you allow it to.

I have had to deal with one truth this whole first year in sobriety.

True happiness and joy can only come through forgiveness. I have been praying for my ex-wife and truthfully I have gotten through it. I could see her on the street or in passing and I wouldn't think twice about saying hello and asking her how she was. I do wish the best for her. At some point I will have to fully grasp that forgiveness in this past relationship.

The biggest obstacle for me is forgiving myself. I talk a great game when it comes to the program and when it comes to "Letting go and letting God" but there comes a time when action is the only way.

I have to forgive myself for all that I have done in my past. I have to give all of this to God once and for all. The issue I have had in the past is giving it to God but then taking it back to play with when I don't think He is doing things the way that I want Him to.

I need to just let go of the wheel and let the Big Man drive for a change. My ride thus far has been more of demolition derby than a cruise down a beautiful country road. I can keep the car on the road for a while but inevitably I will crash.

I have to come to terms with the absolute truth that God knows better than I ever will.

Some days it sickens me that it has taken this many years to figure all of this out. I have to put that aside also. I want to just be released once and for all from this bondage of self.

There is two things I want to do in 2003.

Quit smoking and get to know God like He knows me.

I have been smoking and chewing for at least 15 years of my life. I want to quit because I know how unhealthy it is. I have tempted fate for far too many years. I had a dream that I lost my lower lip from cancer and that was enough for me. I had tried the patch and I had tried the gum and I always went right back to my habit. This last year had shown me that I can do anything through belief and faith in God.

So I prayed.

God please take away my desire and my need to smoke and chew. I want to live a healthy life of service to You for all You have done in me.

Take it away.

I believe with all my heart that today will be the last day I smoke or chew.


***********************************************

February 19th, 2003.

Today is a day I never thought was possible. I made it a whole year without drinking. I made it a whole year without putting anything in my body that alters the way God made me.

I woke up today at 5:30 AM and took a shower. I talk to God the whole time. I decided that I would take the day off work to celebrate my year of continuous sobriety. I walk to the Alano club and hit up the Dawn Patrol meeting at 6:30.

They ask if anyone is celebrating any time.

My name in Steve and I am a grateful alcoholic. I have one year today.

My voice shakes as I say it. I get my coin and I just stare at it and rub it with my thumb. I pass it around the room and people hold it and rub it and some pray on it. They put their own mojo in it.

When I am called on to share I really can't do anything but cry.

I never thought I could do this. I did what you guys told me to do. I got a sponsor and I worked the program. I trusted in God. I am just thankful. That's it.

It is a good day. I go to the gym after the meeting and I work out. I hit a noon meeting in Lake Oswego at the firehouse. At 5:30 I am going to be the chairperson at my home group in the basement of the Alano Club. I have invited my Mom and my Dad to share in this with me.

They have never been to a meeting before so I explain to them how it all works.

The meeting is a full one. It feels really nice to have my parents there with me because I know that it means just as much to them as it does to me. They smile with me when they hear my friends celebrate my recovery.

I talk just a little bit about the last year. Mostly I talk about the word "gratitude". I am thankful for having the family that I do. Thankful I have the friends that I do. Thankful that I have a loving and caring God in my life.

It is a great meeting. The people that I call on to speak are those that have serious time in the program. These are people that I know will talk about the one thing that has saved me.

Trust and faith.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for the comment. Look forward to getting to know you and others as well...

I've been lurking for about, well, 69 posts of this blog now..

Just wanted to say that reading your story is awesome. Awesome to see where God brings people from, and where He leads them to. It's always an encouragement and blessing to see the experiences he brings others out of, even if I may not have experienced some of those things myself. Keep it up dude. Good writing.

11:49 AM  
Blogger Jenny said...

Your gratitude is obvious Steve, and I thank God that He pulled you out of the pit to mould you into the Steve we know and love today.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this, because I truthfully had no way to relate to Rob's brother before I knew about alcoholism.

You are such an inspiration, and I am thankful that God's not done using you to show HIS awesomeness.

Rock on, brother.

5:43 PM  

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