The Final Chapter
Music begins to flow out us.
This has never been a problem in the years that we've played together. Back when we were "I Am" we had something like fifty-two original songs. That's what we did when we got together, we wrote music.
I spent all of my time writing lyrics in one of my many books and trying to put the words to music.
God wasn't really the focus for me then. My focus was the struggle.
The focus was me.
I look back on words I wrote at age thirteen and they mirrored the struggles I had at twenty-seven.
A search for purpose and meaning.
The old music contained so much search and no resolution. It talked of how I was reaching out but not about what I finally grabbed on to. I couldn't sing about what I hadn't found yet. Now that I was cleansing myself of the filth of this world I was starting to see the hand of God in a majority of my life. Where I was weak He had been so strong. He had never left me.
I had walked away from Him.
The journey now had more focus. The music had complete meaning and purpose. We want to create music that talks of the truth.
I am tired of hiding.
Just when it seemed we were making the most progress again Joe hit us with some bad news.
He was moving to Las Vegas so that his wife could finish nursing school.
This was a tough blow for us. Joe was a huge part of us and to lose that meant we had to look at what we really wanted to do. Mark and I decided that we needed to get grounded. We needed to get involved in a church and let God work on us. We needed to get completely centered in Christ.
We had been going to a church together for a while. It was Mark's church from childhood. The head pastor, Ron Mehl, was a man full of amazing wisdom and grace. In May the Lord took him home. Over 10,000 people came to his funeral services. His church began with a couple dozen people in the early 1970s and now numbered over 6,000.
This is a true testament to what God can do through a person who is willing to do His work.
With the passing of Ron Mehl, Mark and I decided that we needed to find a smaller church that we could actively get involved in. We knew that if we could be a band that was dedicated to the church first then God would open other doors for us.
A friend of Mark's told him about a new church that just moved into a new building. It was called "Our Place Christian Church". Mark and I went on a Sunday to check it out. It wasn't like any other church I had been to. It had a relaxed atmosphere and the band that was playing wasn't playing "church" music. They were pumping some hard rock through a killer sound system.
We talked to the head music minister and introduced ourselves. It seemed like we got along with the people that we met.
We started going to this church. The next thing I knew I really needed was a Bible study group. The one thing that all my rehab groups taught me was there was a strength in numbers. People discussing their hearts can be a very powerful thing.
I got hooked up in a men's bible study group. We met every week and did workbook assignments and verse memory. Most of all we had fellowship. This really isn't a word that ever meant anything to me and now I am beginning to see what it is all about.
I have spent so much of my life living 100% for myself that I missed out on what it is like to live for others.
What it is like to live for God.
I really start to read the Bible. I read it with the same passion that I read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I read the Big Book because I knew it had some of the answers that I needed to live a life of happiness. I never use to look at the Bible that way and now I see it is so much more.
The word of God. Everything I need.
**************************************************
Mark and his wife are blessed with two beautiful baby boys.
Twins.
I get to celebrate with them in this new journey. I feel equally blessed in some ways and I feel such a deep connection with these boys. I get to be "Uncle Steve" to Mark's babies and I thank God that they won't ever know the old me. Through His grace, God gives me the chance to be a part of all of this. I get to see Mark and Tiffany in a Godly relationship. I see a young married couple that put God first in their lives and it gives me hope.
I know that it is possible for me.
I know that right now I just want to be comfortable with me. I want to grow in my relationship with God so that when He chooses to bless me like he has Mark, I will be ready.
I will be a man that is worthy of true love.
Mark and I continue to write music and play. Right now it is difficult because of two new babies. We decide that it is best if we just concentrate on church and family.
I am blessed to be given an opportunity to lead worship at this church. It is something that I have never done. I have sung in a "Christian" band but I have never felt like I could stand before a church. It was always about me and for the first time in my life I just wanted to worship God and use the gifts that He had given me.
He alone deserves any praise.
I continue with my program also. I live in the 12 step.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry the message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
I started this journey as a broken man full of sin. A man that was his own master and I was spiritually bankrupt. Through work and being honest with myself I found that I wasn't the King of this kingdom. God was on the throne.
I found life.
Salvation.
Peace.
I was not owed any of this. I did not earn the right. It was given to me freely and because of that I am called to give it back to the best of my ability. I start sponsoring others like Jeff had sponsored me. In the process I am given insight to what Jeff and others had told me but I did not yet understand. He told me that helping me gave more to him then he ever gave to me.
I see that now.
I understand.
It isn't just about the message of sobriety. It is a message of freedom.
Being freed from ourselves.
To allow God to work through us to reach others. To show others that are hurting that there is a life outside of the pain, outside of the guilt, outside of the sin that surpasses all understanding.
For the next two years I focus all of my energy on worship and service. I try to the best of my ability to allow God to show me what His will for me is and I follow. I stand before a church and I play. I let God use me in any way that He can and I try my best to just get out of the way. Some days I succeed and others I fail.
I fail.
God never does.
It is me.
I try and just let the light shine through the darkness.
His light and not mine.
********************************************
I haven't been in a rehab facility for over three years. This one doesn't have the nurses station and the detox wing like the one I remember.
The floors are dirty and it is small.
This one is a converted farm house. The people here are no different then the people I went rehab with. I can imagine that they are just as confused and hurt by the disease as all of us were, or as some of them probably still are.
Cozmo and I are still the best of friends. He is the only other one that I know of that is still sober. He and I have a bond that I know can never be broken. I can imagine it is somewhat like a bond that two soldiers get when they fight side by side together.
He is my brother.
I think about him as I sit in this farmhouse waiting to meet some of the residents of the facility. I wish he could be here also to show that recovery and salvation is possible with faith.
These people are no different.
No different except the language. I need to have an interpreter with me because I don't speak Russian.
I have been in Russia for a week or so. I came on a mission trip to help spread the Good News. We are here to help with a new church in a small Russian village. This rehab facility is just outside of the town in the middle of farmland.
I have been walking through the village with my interpreter Sergei and God is stretching me in ways I never thought possible. I stop anyone that will listen.
Hi my name is Steve and I am from the United States. I came 5000 miles to talk to you. I want to invite you to come and hear a concert that we are putting on. I also want to tell you about Jesus Christ and how He wants you to know Him.
I have conversations with Russian villagers.
I meet children and I play soccer with them and I talk to them about God.
I meet amazing Russian people that share my love for God and that share a passion for reaching people with His teachings.
I stand before a Russian church and I play worship music. I get the chance to meet a girl named Sasha who sings in a Russian praise group. She has the voice of an angel and we play and sing together as if we had done so a million times. She is also a songwriter and she teaches me some of her songs. I learn parts of them in Russian and we sing together. We praise a powerful and mighty God.
The Holy Spirit lives in each breath and within each note.
Now I sit in front of addicts and alcoholics 5000 miles away from my home. I listen to their stories and they are no different than mine. They also are finding healing in Christ. After they all speak they ask if I would like to share my story.
I stand and tell them parts of my past. I tell them about being in rehab. I tell them about the mighty power of God in my own life. As I speak I see each of them nodding in understanding.
These are my people.
We stand and we all sing. There is a man with an accordion and he plays as the Russians sing a worship song. When they were finished we sang a worship song also.
As we prayed and praised God an amazing thing happened.
The wind.
As if God himself came down from the heavens to touch us all.
I could only be reminded of His glory as we sang the most precious song I know.
Amazing Grace how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I'm found
was blind but now I see
****************************************************
I awoke early.
It must have been 5:30.
I walked outside of the farmhouse in the middle of Russian farmland with my guitar in hand.
I stood by the side of the pond and took my guitar from it's case. The sun was rising signaling the start of a new day. A day that is given freely to all of us. A day that is ours because Christ died for our sins.
He died for me.
He died for you.
I stand at the waters edge and I play worship songs and sing into the Russian air. I sing to my audience of one. I sing and think about the path that I have taken to be right here, right now, in this very moment. On all accounts I am unworthy of these gifts. I live now only to try and serve God the best I can.
I stand and I sing 5000 miles away from my home and even farther away from the pain of my past.
I sing because I am thankful.
I watch the sun rise and I can't help but cry.
My tears of joy left forever on Russian soil.
The only thing I can think to say is
God is good.
This has never been a problem in the years that we've played together. Back when we were "I Am" we had something like fifty-two original songs. That's what we did when we got together, we wrote music.
I spent all of my time writing lyrics in one of my many books and trying to put the words to music.
God wasn't really the focus for me then. My focus was the struggle.
The focus was me.
I look back on words I wrote at age thirteen and they mirrored the struggles I had at twenty-seven.
A search for purpose and meaning.
The old music contained so much search and no resolution. It talked of how I was reaching out but not about what I finally grabbed on to. I couldn't sing about what I hadn't found yet. Now that I was cleansing myself of the filth of this world I was starting to see the hand of God in a majority of my life. Where I was weak He had been so strong. He had never left me.
I had walked away from Him.
The journey now had more focus. The music had complete meaning and purpose. We want to create music that talks of the truth.
I am tired of hiding.
Just when it seemed we were making the most progress again Joe hit us with some bad news.
He was moving to Las Vegas so that his wife could finish nursing school.
This was a tough blow for us. Joe was a huge part of us and to lose that meant we had to look at what we really wanted to do. Mark and I decided that we needed to get grounded. We needed to get involved in a church and let God work on us. We needed to get completely centered in Christ.
We had been going to a church together for a while. It was Mark's church from childhood. The head pastor, Ron Mehl, was a man full of amazing wisdom and grace. In May the Lord took him home. Over 10,000 people came to his funeral services. His church began with a couple dozen people in the early 1970s and now numbered over 6,000.
This is a true testament to what God can do through a person who is willing to do His work.
With the passing of Ron Mehl, Mark and I decided that we needed to find a smaller church that we could actively get involved in. We knew that if we could be a band that was dedicated to the church first then God would open other doors for us.
A friend of Mark's told him about a new church that just moved into a new building. It was called "Our Place Christian Church". Mark and I went on a Sunday to check it out. It wasn't like any other church I had been to. It had a relaxed atmosphere and the band that was playing wasn't playing "church" music. They were pumping some hard rock through a killer sound system.
We talked to the head music minister and introduced ourselves. It seemed like we got along with the people that we met.
We started going to this church. The next thing I knew I really needed was a Bible study group. The one thing that all my rehab groups taught me was there was a strength in numbers. People discussing their hearts can be a very powerful thing.
I got hooked up in a men's bible study group. We met every week and did workbook assignments and verse memory. Most of all we had fellowship. This really isn't a word that ever meant anything to me and now I am beginning to see what it is all about.
I have spent so much of my life living 100% for myself that I missed out on what it is like to live for others.
What it is like to live for God.
I really start to read the Bible. I read it with the same passion that I read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I read the Big Book because I knew it had some of the answers that I needed to live a life of happiness. I never use to look at the Bible that way and now I see it is so much more.
The word of God. Everything I need.
**************************************************
Mark and his wife are blessed with two beautiful baby boys.
Twins.
I get to celebrate with them in this new journey. I feel equally blessed in some ways and I feel such a deep connection with these boys. I get to be "Uncle Steve" to Mark's babies and I thank God that they won't ever know the old me. Through His grace, God gives me the chance to be a part of all of this. I get to see Mark and Tiffany in a Godly relationship. I see a young married couple that put God first in their lives and it gives me hope.
I know that it is possible for me.
I know that right now I just want to be comfortable with me. I want to grow in my relationship with God so that when He chooses to bless me like he has Mark, I will be ready.
I will be a man that is worthy of true love.
Mark and I continue to write music and play. Right now it is difficult because of two new babies. We decide that it is best if we just concentrate on church and family.
I am blessed to be given an opportunity to lead worship at this church. It is something that I have never done. I have sung in a "Christian" band but I have never felt like I could stand before a church. It was always about me and for the first time in my life I just wanted to worship God and use the gifts that He had given me.
He alone deserves any praise.
I continue with my program also. I live in the 12 step.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry the message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
I started this journey as a broken man full of sin. A man that was his own master and I was spiritually bankrupt. Through work and being honest with myself I found that I wasn't the King of this kingdom. God was on the throne.
I found life.
Salvation.
Peace.
I was not owed any of this. I did not earn the right. It was given to me freely and because of that I am called to give it back to the best of my ability. I start sponsoring others like Jeff had sponsored me. In the process I am given insight to what Jeff and others had told me but I did not yet understand. He told me that helping me gave more to him then he ever gave to me.
I see that now.
I understand.
It isn't just about the message of sobriety. It is a message of freedom.
Being freed from ourselves.
To allow God to work through us to reach others. To show others that are hurting that there is a life outside of the pain, outside of the guilt, outside of the sin that surpasses all understanding.
For the next two years I focus all of my energy on worship and service. I try to the best of my ability to allow God to show me what His will for me is and I follow. I stand before a church and I play. I let God use me in any way that He can and I try my best to just get out of the way. Some days I succeed and others I fail.
I fail.
God never does.
It is me.
I try and just let the light shine through the darkness.
His light and not mine.
********************************************
I haven't been in a rehab facility for over three years. This one doesn't have the nurses station and the detox wing like the one I remember.
The floors are dirty and it is small.
This one is a converted farm house. The people here are no different then the people I went rehab with. I can imagine that they are just as confused and hurt by the disease as all of us were, or as some of them probably still are.
Cozmo and I are still the best of friends. He is the only other one that I know of that is still sober. He and I have a bond that I know can never be broken. I can imagine it is somewhat like a bond that two soldiers get when they fight side by side together.
He is my brother.
I think about him as I sit in this farmhouse waiting to meet some of the residents of the facility. I wish he could be here also to show that recovery and salvation is possible with faith.
These people are no different.
No different except the language. I need to have an interpreter with me because I don't speak Russian.
I have been in Russia for a week or so. I came on a mission trip to help spread the Good News. We are here to help with a new church in a small Russian village. This rehab facility is just outside of the town in the middle of farmland.
I have been walking through the village with my interpreter Sergei and God is stretching me in ways I never thought possible. I stop anyone that will listen.
Hi my name is Steve and I am from the United States. I came 5000 miles to talk to you. I want to invite you to come and hear a concert that we are putting on. I also want to tell you about Jesus Christ and how He wants you to know Him.
I have conversations with Russian villagers.
I meet children and I play soccer with them and I talk to them about God.
I meet amazing Russian people that share my love for God and that share a passion for reaching people with His teachings.
I stand before a Russian church and I play worship music. I get the chance to meet a girl named Sasha who sings in a Russian praise group. She has the voice of an angel and we play and sing together as if we had done so a million times. She is also a songwriter and she teaches me some of her songs. I learn parts of them in Russian and we sing together. We praise a powerful and mighty God.
The Holy Spirit lives in each breath and within each note.
Now I sit in front of addicts and alcoholics 5000 miles away from my home. I listen to their stories and they are no different than mine. They also are finding healing in Christ. After they all speak they ask if I would like to share my story.
I stand and tell them parts of my past. I tell them about being in rehab. I tell them about the mighty power of God in my own life. As I speak I see each of them nodding in understanding.
These are my people.
We stand and we all sing. There is a man with an accordion and he plays as the Russians sing a worship song. When they were finished we sang a worship song also.
As we prayed and praised God an amazing thing happened.
The wind.
As if God himself came down from the heavens to touch us all.
I could only be reminded of His glory as we sang the most precious song I know.
Amazing Grace how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I'm found
was blind but now I see
****************************************************
I awoke early.
It must have been 5:30.
I walked outside of the farmhouse in the middle of Russian farmland with my guitar in hand.
I stood by the side of the pond and took my guitar from it's case. The sun was rising signaling the start of a new day. A day that is given freely to all of us. A day that is ours because Christ died for our sins.
He died for me.
He died for you.
I stand at the waters edge and I play worship songs and sing into the Russian air. I sing to my audience of one. I sing and think about the path that I have taken to be right here, right now, in this very moment. On all accounts I am unworthy of these gifts. I live now only to try and serve God the best I can.
I stand and I sing 5000 miles away from my home and even farther away from the pain of my past.
I sing because I am thankful.
I watch the sun rise and I can't help but cry.
My tears of joy left forever on Russian soil.
The only thing I can think to say is
God is good.
posted by steve at 12:32 PM
24 Comments:
Amen.
Selah
Great job! I can't believe it's over. What a beautiful legacy to leave for others to learn from.
Amen!!!
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I found it very thought provoking and tender at the sametime. God bless you!
That was incredible. I'm so glad you finished this... and finished it well!
God bless you Steve-o!
I am so sad it is over. I go to lunch everyday with a few co-workers and the topic of the day is what happened in Into the Mirror last night. What do I tell them now. I guess you will have to start writing your next book SOON.
I thank you for sharing some of your life with us. You have been a blessing and inspiration to me through your book. I have learned so much. I work with people who are addicted to a vast array of things and feel I can connect with them a little better after reading your thoughts and your perceptions of what you thought their perceptions were. (if that makes sense to you).
God Bless you Steve and hurry with the next book.
Thankyou Steve for sharing your story. It has touched me deeply- spiritually and emotionally! It has helped me to understand the importance on such a diffrent level how God does heal and how God very much wants to use us if we are willing. We are not to sit stagnet, rather go out unto the people and bring them closer to God only by alowing God to be in us. I pray that we can once again come together.. this time with Godly enriched lives. It's all up to him.
Wow....one can certainly see why you radiate/illuminate God's grace after reading 70 chapters of this amazing story of redemption. Now go to Disneyland brother!
~Missshrina
I don't remember the rest of the lyrics, but there's a hymn that says,
"I sing because I'm happy.
I sing because I'm free"
Thank you Jubal. Your book was a blessing to me.
Good work! Can't wait to have an autographed, published copy in my own hands!!
What an accomplishment! You really packed it in, taking only two months to write. "On a mission from God". Keep up His mission. God bless you
In the book you mention alcoholism as a disease. I know this has been popular in treatment centers since the 80's, and even in AA meetings. However, the Big Book calls it an affliction, a spiritual sickness. I never could swallow the disease concept, except that it is dis-ease. The Bible calls drinking excessively debauchery. Just my two cents.
I love the book, though. It's nice reading another's journey.
Hey Steve-
Great job and thanks for sharing your story, struggles and hope.
Thank you for sharing your journey, Steve. I hope you are able to get it published and into the hands of many who will be blessed, challenged and encouraged by your testimony of God's amazing love & healing power. And blessings upon your family who loved you and stayed with you through it all.
I do agree with a previous comment, time to celebrate & decompress ... go to Disneyland! :-)
"It was always about me and for the first time in my life I just wanted to worship God and use the gifts that He had given me."
I have said that exact thing verbatim a hundred times over when talking about my own personal salvation experience with Jesus Christ: how once upon a time I came to church an undeserving, broken woman who had DESTROYED her trained singing voice with endless packs of cigarettes, who was helpless and whole-heartedly remorseful for doing so, and God HEALED MY VOICE. All I wanted to do was praise him with the gift He gave me, and HE HEALED ME.
Praise God!
Steve, I think it's safe to say that this has been an amazing, emotional journey for all of us, and I personally thank you for laying your heart out there for all to see. God IS good indeed, and I pray much success for you with this book: that it WILL get published so that it can reach the masses - so that God can use you and this book beyond your wildest imagination to further His Kingdom.
I too, LOVE Amazing Grace. It is BY FAR my favorite worship song.
Oh and Amstaff:
I sing because I'm happy.
I sing because I'm free.
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know He watches me.
"His Eye Is On The Sparrow"
Hi Steve:
I just came over to check out your story from a link on Katie's blog.
I have only read the 1st 5 chapters, so far, but I'll be back. I've blogrolled you, and I'll finish your wrintings, as time allows.
Even though I am still reading in the dark days of your beginning chapters, I can see and feel that this is a work of great worth.
Thanks for your willingness to share some of your most desperate hours. And thanks be to the Lord for his mercies towards us.
Thank you for sharing you story. I am glad that you were able to to create something powerful out of pain. Keep up the the good fight my prayers are with you.
Betty
Encouraged. One word sums it all. You showed us your despair, your pain, your sin. You showed us how God protected you and took you in. God's mighty hand is so evident in all that we see and do, which brings me back to you.
Encouraged!!
He has taken you and molded you, brought you out of sin and despair. Now you are a free man, with only God's love to share!
So go and share it my friend, for all to see, for only God knows who will be affected for eternity!
Be prepared my brother in Christ, for what he has for you, I see a life of blessings that will only carry you through!
Thanks for sharing your life, your heartache and your pain, with nothing left to show but to have God is to have gain!
Encouraged!!
What a book! What a story! What a life. A life that has been totally transformed by Christ.
I'm sad it's over too - have looked forward to reading it most everyday. I too look forward to seeing it published and having an autographed copy.
Do you still go to the small church and lead worship? Have you ever seen your ex and wished her well? Do you still work the same place? I guess you need to keep writing! :-)
thank you.
I told you in an email that I am proud of you, but I have to say it again. Wow. I am proud. Proud to have you on my team, proud to be your friend and proud that we serve the same mighty God.
I kept reading this story and I kept hoping that you would indeed stay sober, but part of me thought that maybe you would fail and then you didn't and I am praising God for that! Rock On!
I started reading today.. and finished today... I laughed and cried... I cried the most when it was over.. because I want what you have.. I know I'm missing the boat.. and I just don't know how to find it. My story is alot different but alot of the same "feelings". I'm missing the peace... It's so hard to let the pain go. Thank you for your story... I know it has changed me and given me hope.
That was just truly a blessing! Thank you for sharing your journey.
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