The Final Chapter

Music begins to flow out us.

This has never been a problem in the years that we've played together. Back when we were "I Am" we had something like fifty-two original songs. That's what we did when we got together, we wrote music.

I spent all of my time writing lyrics in one of my many books and trying to put the words to music.

God wasn't really the focus for me then. My focus was the struggle.

The focus was me.

I look back on words I wrote at age thirteen and they mirrored the struggles I had at twenty-seven.

A search for purpose and meaning.

The old music contained so much search and no resolution. It talked of how I was reaching out but not about what I finally grabbed on to. I couldn't sing about what I hadn't found yet. Now that I was cleansing myself of the filth of this world I was starting to see the hand of God in a majority of my life. Where I was weak He had been so strong. He had never left me.

I had walked away from Him.

The journey now had more focus. The music had complete meaning and purpose. We want to create music that talks of the truth.

I am tired of hiding.

Just when it seemed we were making the most progress again Joe hit us with some bad news.

He was moving to Las Vegas so that his wife could finish nursing school.

This was a tough blow for us. Joe was a huge part of us and to lose that meant we had to look at what we really wanted to do. Mark and I decided that we needed to get grounded. We needed to get involved in a church and let God work on us. We needed to get completely centered in Christ.

We had been going to a church together for a while. It was Mark's church from childhood. The head pastor, Ron Mehl, was a man full of amazing wisdom and grace. In May the Lord took him home. Over 10,000 people came to his funeral services. His church began with a couple dozen people in the early 1970s and now numbered over 6,000.

This is a true testament to what God can do through a person who is willing to do His work.

With the passing of Ron Mehl, Mark and I decided that we needed to find a smaller church that we could actively get involved in. We knew that if we could be a band that was dedicated to the church first then God would open other doors for us.

A friend of Mark's told him about a new church that just moved into a new building. It was called "Our Place Christian Church". Mark and I went on a Sunday to check it out. It wasn't like any other church I had been to. It had a relaxed atmosphere and the band that was playing wasn't playing "church" music. They were pumping some hard rock through a killer sound system.

We talked to the head music minister and introduced ourselves. It seemed like we got along with the people that we met.

We started going to this church. The next thing I knew I really needed was a Bible study group. The one thing that all my rehab groups taught me was there was a strength in numbers. People discussing their hearts can be a very powerful thing.

I got hooked up in a men's bible study group. We met every week and did workbook assignments and verse memory. Most of all we had fellowship. This really isn't a word that ever meant anything to me and now I am beginning to see what it is all about.

I have spent so much of my life living 100% for myself that I missed out on what it is like to live for others.

What it is like to live for God.

I really start to read the Bible. I read it with the same passion that I read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I read the Big Book because I knew it had some of the answers that I needed to live a life of happiness. I never use to look at the Bible that way and now I see it is so much more.

The word of God. Everything I need.

**************************************************

Mark and his wife are blessed with two beautiful baby boys.

Twins.

I get to celebrate with them in this new journey. I feel equally blessed in some ways and I feel such a deep connection with these boys. I get to be "Uncle Steve" to Mark's babies and I thank God that they won't ever know the old me. Through His grace, God gives me the chance to be a part of all of this. I get to see Mark and Tiffany in a Godly relationship. I see a young married couple that put God first in their lives and it gives me hope.

I know that it is possible for me.

I know that right now I just want to be comfortable with me. I want to grow in my relationship with God so that when He chooses to bless me like he has Mark, I will be ready.

I will be a man that is worthy of true love.

Mark and I continue to write music and play. Right now it is difficult because of two new babies. We decide that it is best if we just concentrate on church and family.

I am blessed to be given an opportunity to lead worship at this church. It is something that I have never done. I have sung in a "Christian" band but I have never felt like I could stand before a church. It was always about me and for the first time in my life I just wanted to worship God and use the gifts that He had given me.

He alone deserves any praise.

I continue with my program also. I live in the 12 step.


Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry the message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I started this journey as a broken man full of sin. A man that was his own master and I was spiritually bankrupt. Through work and being honest with myself I found that I wasn't the King of this kingdom. God was on the throne.

I found life.

Salvation.

Peace.

I was not owed any of this. I did not earn the right. It was given to me freely and because of that I am called to give it back to the best of my ability. I start sponsoring others like Jeff had sponsored me. In the process I am given insight to what Jeff and others had told me but I did not yet understand. He told me that helping me gave more to him then he ever gave to me.

I see that now.

I understand.

It isn't just about the message of sobriety. It is a message of freedom.

Being freed from ourselves.

To allow God to work through us to reach others. To show others that are hurting that there is a life outside of the pain, outside of the guilt, outside of the sin that surpasses all understanding.

For the next two years I focus all of my energy on worship and service. I try to the best of my ability to allow God to show me what His will for me is and I follow. I stand before a church and I play. I let God use me in any way that He can and I try my best to just get out of the way. Some days I succeed and others I fail.

I fail.

God never does.

It is me.

I try and just let the light shine through the darkness.

His light and not mine.

********************************************

I haven't been in a rehab facility for over three years. This one doesn't have the nurses station and the detox wing like the one I remember.

The floors are dirty and it is small.

This one is a converted farm house. The people here are no different then the people I went rehab with. I can imagine that they are just as confused and hurt by the disease as all of us were, or as some of them probably still are.

Cozmo and I are still the best of friends. He is the only other one that I know of that is still sober. He and I have a bond that I know can never be broken. I can imagine it is somewhat like a bond that two soldiers get when they fight side by side together.

He is my brother.

I think about him as I sit in this farmhouse waiting to meet some of the residents of the facility. I wish he could be here also to show that recovery and salvation is possible with faith.

These people are no different.

No different except the language. I need to have an interpreter with me because I don't speak Russian.

I have been in Russia for a week or so. I came on a mission trip to help spread the Good News. We are here to help with a new church in a small Russian village. This rehab facility is just outside of the town in the middle of farmland.

I have been walking through the village with my interpreter Sergei and God is stretching me in ways I never thought possible. I stop anyone that will listen.

Hi my name is Steve and I am from the United States. I came 5000 miles to talk to you. I want to invite you to come and hear a concert that we are putting on. I also want to tell you about Jesus Christ and how He wants you to know Him.

I have conversations with Russian villagers.

I meet children and I play soccer with them and I talk to them about God.

I meet amazing Russian people that share my love for God and that share a passion for reaching people with His teachings.

I stand before a Russian church and I play worship music. I get the chance to meet a girl named Sasha who sings in a Russian praise group. She has the voice of an angel and we play and sing together as if we had done so a million times. She is also a songwriter and she teaches me some of her songs. I learn parts of them in Russian and we sing together. We praise a powerful and mighty God.

The Holy Spirit lives in each breath and within each note.

Now I sit in front of addicts and alcoholics 5000 miles away from my home. I listen to their stories and they are no different than mine. They also are finding healing in Christ. After they all speak they ask if I would like to share my story.

I stand and tell them parts of my past. I tell them about being in rehab. I tell them about the mighty power of God in my own life. As I speak I see each of them nodding in understanding.

These are my people.

We stand and we all sing. There is a man with an accordion and he plays as the Russians sing a worship song. When they were finished we sang a worship song also.
As we prayed and praised God an amazing thing happened.

The wind.

As if God himself came down from the heavens to touch us all.

I could only be reminded of His glory as we sang the most precious song I know.


Amazing Grace how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I'm found
was blind but now I see


****************************************************

I awoke early.

It must have been 5:30.

I walked outside of the farmhouse in the middle of Russian farmland with my guitar in hand.

I stood by the side of the pond and took my guitar from it's case. The sun was rising signaling the start of a new day. A day that is given freely to all of us. A day that is ours because Christ died for our sins.

He died for me.

He died for you.

I stand at the waters edge and I play worship songs and sing into the Russian air. I sing to my audience of one. I sing and think about the path that I have taken to be right here, right now, in this very moment. On all accounts I am unworthy of these gifts. I live now only to try and serve God the best I can.

I stand and I sing 5000 miles away from my home and even farther away from the pain of my past.

I sing because I am thankful.

I watch the sun rise and I can't help but cry.

My tears of joy left forever on Russian soil.




The only thing I can think to say is



God is good.

Chapter 69

Pain fades only as much as you allow it to.

I have had to deal with one truth this whole first year in sobriety.

True happiness and joy can only come through forgiveness. I have been praying for my ex-wife and truthfully I have gotten through it. I could see her on the street or in passing and I wouldn't think twice about saying hello and asking her how she was. I do wish the best for her. At some point I will have to fully grasp that forgiveness in this past relationship.

The biggest obstacle for me is forgiving myself. I talk a great game when it comes to the program and when it comes to "Letting go and letting God" but there comes a time when action is the only way.

I have to forgive myself for all that I have done in my past. I have to give all of this to God once and for all. The issue I have had in the past is giving it to God but then taking it back to play with when I don't think He is doing things the way that I want Him to.

I need to just let go of the wheel and let the Big Man drive for a change. My ride thus far has been more of demolition derby than a cruise down a beautiful country road. I can keep the car on the road for a while but inevitably I will crash.

I have to come to terms with the absolute truth that God knows better than I ever will.

Some days it sickens me that it has taken this many years to figure all of this out. I have to put that aside also. I want to just be released once and for all from this bondage of self.

There is two things I want to do in 2003.

Quit smoking and get to know God like He knows me.

I have been smoking and chewing for at least 15 years of my life. I want to quit because I know how unhealthy it is. I have tempted fate for far too many years. I had a dream that I lost my lower lip from cancer and that was enough for me. I had tried the patch and I had tried the gum and I always went right back to my habit. This last year had shown me that I can do anything through belief and faith in God.

So I prayed.

God please take away my desire and my need to smoke and chew. I want to live a healthy life of service to You for all You have done in me.

Take it away.

I believe with all my heart that today will be the last day I smoke or chew.


***********************************************

February 19th, 2003.

Today is a day I never thought was possible. I made it a whole year without drinking. I made it a whole year without putting anything in my body that alters the way God made me.

I woke up today at 5:30 AM and took a shower. I talk to God the whole time. I decided that I would take the day off work to celebrate my year of continuous sobriety. I walk to the Alano club and hit up the Dawn Patrol meeting at 6:30.

They ask if anyone is celebrating any time.

My name in Steve and I am a grateful alcoholic. I have one year today.

My voice shakes as I say it. I get my coin and I just stare at it and rub it with my thumb. I pass it around the room and people hold it and rub it and some pray on it. They put their own mojo in it.

When I am called on to share I really can't do anything but cry.

I never thought I could do this. I did what you guys told me to do. I got a sponsor and I worked the program. I trusted in God. I am just thankful. That's it.

It is a good day. I go to the gym after the meeting and I work out. I hit a noon meeting in Lake Oswego at the firehouse. At 5:30 I am going to be the chairperson at my home group in the basement of the Alano Club. I have invited my Mom and my Dad to share in this with me.

They have never been to a meeting before so I explain to them how it all works.

The meeting is a full one. It feels really nice to have my parents there with me because I know that it means just as much to them as it does to me. They smile with me when they hear my friends celebrate my recovery.

I talk just a little bit about the last year. Mostly I talk about the word "gratitude". I am thankful for having the family that I do. Thankful I have the friends that I do. Thankful that I have a loving and caring God in my life.

It is a great meeting. The people that I call on to speak are those that have serious time in the program. These are people that I know will talk about the one thing that has saved me.

Trust and faith.

Chapter 68

Once again I am home alone on New Years Eve.

This is like a nightmare Holiday for me. I have rented some movies to try and pass the time and in a lame attempt to shut my mind off. I wish I could say it was working but the reality is I can't stop the pain.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of talking to her husband. She knew it was going to get back to him and I guess she told him. I don't know what she said and I really don't care. The only thing I tell him is that I didn't know and if I did this never would have happened.

Leave me and my wife alone.

Just hearing him say that cuts me to the core. This guy has no idea about the extent of our relationship. It has been YEARS. This wasn't just some random fling. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and shame.

I have so many questions that I will never have answers to. That, in itself, is enough to drive me crazy.

I didn't know.

I didn't know.

I have to say it over and over in my head.

I am so restless. I am trying to watch Ocean's 11 but I just can't get into it so I turn it off. I try and play music but nothing wants to come out. So I just sit and I just stare blankly at the television. The Times Square celebration is on and the ball is going to drop.

What are they even celebrating? I think the only way to describe myself at this point is "bitter". I am really falling into a depression that I can't see a way out of. I just keep thinking that I won't ever trust another woman. I won't ever put myself through this again.

It is done as far as I am concerned. I put my heart out there and only a small part of it came back.

It is my own personal New Year's Eve Pity Party.

At 11:30 or so my phone rings. I know it is her. Every part of me wants to answer it and really punish her with how I am feeling. What's the point...

I just let it ring.

No message is left.

How much longer am I going to do this to myself? I am creating more pain for myself. It is almost like I enjoy it. I am so use to the pain that I feel uncomfortable without it. That is a sick thought.

I need to do the next right thing. I am the only one that can get me out of this. No amount of worry will fix what has happened. What is done is done. I have to get out of my house. I have to be around people that will understand. Things could be worse, I guess...

I could be her husband.

******************************************

I get to the Alano club at 11:50 pm. They are having marathon meetings downstairs in the basement. There are usually marathon meetings every holiday. Apparently I am not the only one that needs a meeting. There is quite a few folks hanging out. People have brought food and the atmosphere is exactly what I needed.

The clock hits midnight and I celebrate my first sober New Years.

I celebrate it with a group of drunks that made the same choice I did. They chose to surround themselves with people that understood that pain inside of them. People that understood the struggle of being alone on a holiday.

I wished everyone a happy New Year and decided to take a walk. I walked down to 21st street and heard the noise of the local bars. The noise of a life I can no longer live. I walk and smoke, reliving in my mind the past year of my life. I have been so enveloped in my recovery and focused on all my errors that I haven't fully seen the truth.

I am sober.

If nothing else, I am that.

I just went through one of the most painful things I have ever experienced in my life and I stayed sober.

Progress, not perfection.

I smile slightly as I continue taking sober steps into a new year of my life.

Chapter 67

Be careful what you wish for.

I asked God for the answer. The question that I keep asking myself is "can I actually deal with this truth"?

I have been through my share of trials in this life. I have been through the refining fires more times than I ever expected. I am at a loss at this very moment. I don't know what I am going to do. This is true heartbreak. I have never awoke to find that part of my life was completely opposite of what I believed it to be.

The pain of my soul was coming to the surface in the form of tears and cries of torment that I have never heard myself make. I don't even know how to begin trying to understand what I am going through. Where can I start?

I drive and scream.

The questions just race in and out of my head.

How?

Why?

I try and call her and she doesn't answer. I continue to try.

I finally get a text message on my phone that says she is scared to talk to me. I don't blame her. I am scared enough of myself right now.

Fear and fury, I am a potent mixture of both. There is feelings raging in me at this moment that I have not felt for almost a year. I am explosive.

I am once again hate.

I text her back to meet me and she actually agrees to do that. I drive to her gym parking lot and wait for her. She shows up and gets in my car.

She tries to say she is sorry.

I tell her to shut up.

I only want to tell her one thing. The pain is building inside of me and I can't say it without screaming it at her.

I HATE YOU! NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR!

I don't even let the door shut for a second before I race my car out of the parking lot.

Fear and fury.

I want only one thing at this moment and it is to get as drunk as I possibly can. I want to fuel my pain the only way I have known how. I want to punish myself.

I am realizing that I am driving like a crazed man. I have already blown straight through one red light. It is only a matter of time before my world comes to a crashing halt.

I pull my car over in a 7-11 parking lot and just let it all out. I know that I have come too far to give up now. I am not that man anymore. I am not that man who will take the easy way out.

I will walk through this fire once again.

I call Jeff, the one person in this world that I feel I can trust at this very moment. I tell him the story and I admit to him that I want to drink myself into oblivion. He asks if I can make it to the 5:30 without drinking before then. I tell him that I will do that.

I start doing what I need to do to protect myself. I call Cozmo and I tell him what has happened. I call my roommate to let him know I am ok. The next call I make is to my parents.

I tell them what has happened. I need them to know so I don't feel so alone in this. My Mom is sickened for me. They are both worried about what this will do to me. They ask if I have talked to Jeff yet. I tell them that I have.

My Mom says the one thing that makes all the sense in the world to me.

Thank God you found out now and not any later.

I started to really think about it.

I sat in Arizona and I prayed long and hard day after day for God to reveal the truth to me about this relationship.

I asked for this.

I needed to know the truth and the truth was revealed to me in an extaordinary way. Many things had come together at exactly the right time to make me see what I had been unable to see for so long. I was more than an hour away when Krista convinced me to drive home. During this time my roommate was out on the town and out of all the people in Portland he could have met and invited back to his house he meets the woman who did Krista's hair on her wedding day. All of it timed to perfection. All of it revealed in the only way I would have believed it.

The fury fades.

I am going to get through this because I know I can get through anything.

Let go, Let God.

I drive and I cry. This is a pain I won't soon forget.

I do make it to that meeting. I sit in the room with all of my fellow addicts and alcoholics and I cry. They support me and they love me. I talk it all through with my sponsor. I only have to answer one question in my mind.

God is either big enough or he isn't.

Which do I honestly believe?

Chapter 66

My first sober Summer.

Seems like this year is nothing but "firsts". I spend most of my Summer getting in shape and golfing. My golf game is just shy of atrocious and I am trying to be ok with that. I usually like to succeed in everything I do but I am slowly letting that go.

Cozmo and I have spent some time together this Summer. It looks like he and I are going to be the two rehab guys that stay in touch. I rarely talk to anyone else, with the exception of the guys in my outpatient group.

I saw my childhood friend Ryan the other day, my friend that Lacey and I saw at our Sunday meeting. He had been sober for over a year and he decided that he hadn't had enough pain yet. He is back drinking. It really bothers me that he gave up all of that sober time. It bothers me because I know him so well and it bothers me because it proves that this disease is never over. It will always be a struggle in one way or another. Ryan will be the first to admit that he just didn't work the program at all. He doesn't want to turn that will over to God.

I just hope that somehow he finds his way back.

I have gotten to a place in my program that I am really thankful for. The 11th step is a turning point for me. Everything up to this point has made such an impact on my life but this step seems to contain the answer that I have really been searching for my whole life.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

I found a gold mine of a meeting every Saturday morning at the club. It is an 11th step meeting. I knew from the first time I sat in this meeting that it was a good one. It is in the attic of the club. The meeting starts with ten minutes of silence. Ten minutes of meditation.

There is an amazing feeling that happens when you get a group of people together actively searching for God's will. It is beautiful. It sets a tone for the rest of the meeting. People are very relaxed and the talk is all about prayer and meditation and how it relates to recovery.

There is some people that go to this meeting that have a lot of time. I think that the prayer and meditation and searching for God's will is a huge reason why they have the time they do. I get to hear these people talk every week and I take what I can use. That is the same with all meetings I go to. I take what I can use and I leave the rest. There is a lot of crap in meetings. That happens because there is a lot of sick people and honestly I can't expect to have some sort of epiphany every meeting I go to. I do see that if I look with the right heart I can find what I need.

I try and take that into my day to day.

If I look at it with the right heart I can find what I need.

The 11th step meeting really gets me focused on calming my mind. It shows me that I can open myself up to God's will if I just silence myself long enough to truly listen. I believe that in that silence I can find the answers that I am searching for. I can find the what this step is talking about.

The answer to what God's will is for me in my life and the strength to carry it out.


************************************************

Cozmo and I celebrate nine months of sobriety. That is 270+ days and nights without drugs and alcohol. Each milestone in my recovery is more staggering to me than the last. I never saw myself as a guy who could reach nine months. I think back to those first days in rehab and how horrid it was. How challenging each day was. It is different now that my body has cleansed itself. The desire to drink and use doesn't show itself like it use to.

The true search now is about contentment. It is about happiness and purpose. Being with Krista has made me happy in some ways and in other ways it is so painful. It has been painful for a long time.

This year at Christmas I have been invited to go with Cozmo and his family to Arizona. It would be the first Christmas I have ever spent away from my family. I talk to them about it and they think that I should go and have a great time. I except the invitation.

I get some time off work and fly to Arizona. We have a great time just playing cards and golfing. We are also there to watch the Oregon State Beavers play in the Insight bowl two days after Christmas.

Christmas eve is really hard for me. I knew that being away from my family was going to be tough. I just imagined all of them together eating Christmas eve dinner. I imagined the excitement of my nephews. I did call all of them and talk to my parents. I told them how much they mean to me and how thankful I am for the support this year.

Christmas day we had a huge yatzee tournament with Cozmo's family. I thought me family was competitive but these guys bring it. His Mom can talk trash with the best of them. It is a great time with my "other" family. I have grown to really love these guys.

The football game wasn't as pretty as expected. The Beavers got beat pretty bad by Pitt. Still fun to watch college football.

I have talked to Krista a few times since I have been here. I am just struggling tremendously with our relationship. I can't put my finger on it exactly but I know that God is really trying to tell me something. I feel very uneasy over Christmas.

I start putting the 11th step into practice and I really seek what it is God is trying to tell me.

I pray.

God, I need you to tell me if this relationship is the right one for me. I need to know. I will follow where ever it is you want to lead me. I just need to know.

**********************************************

We all get back to Cozmo's house and I am going to stay one more day with him. That night at around ten o'clock I get a call from Krista. She really wants to see me and really wants to spend some time with me. She tells me to come back up to Portland. She says that she will be waiting for me outside my house.

I really don't want to drive back to Portland but something tells me that I should. I thank Cozmo and tell him I have to go. He isn't happy that I am cutting out so quickly but he understands.

I have to get back to Portland.

I drive back and meet up with Krista at my house. It is really good to see her. We decide to go inside the house. It looks like my roommate is home. Krista and I walk into the kitchen and my roommate Tom is with a few people. It is two girls and a guy that he had met that night in a bar. He had never met them before tonight. He decided to invite them back to the house.

The first thing I hear when we walk into the kitchen is one of the girls.

Krista?

Immediately I can feel a very uncomfortable vibe in the room coming from this girl and Krista. They say Hi to each other. They obviously know each other. Krista definitely wants to get out of the kitchen. She walks out and tells me she wants to go upstairs.

Who was that?

She tells me it is a girl who use to cut her hair.

She won't give me anymore information then that. It is very uncomfortable. She stays for a few hours but I can tell her mind is elsewhere. She tells me she has to go. She tells me that she loves me.

I fall asleep.

The next morning I wake up and walk downstairs. My roommate Tom is sitting on the couch. He just looks at me with a look I won't forget.

Dude, I don't even know how to start to tell you this.

I look at him confused.

Steve, that girl last night was Krista's hairdresser.

I know, she told me.

Dude, she is married. That girl last night told me that she did Krista's hair on her wedding day. She couldn't believe it when you guys walked into the kitchen holding hands. She got married in July.

The feeling I felt at that very moment was one I hope I never feel again. I just stared at Tom not being able to speak a word.

God man, I am so sorry. I don't know what to say. It's not your fault.

I have to go.

I have to go.

Steve! God man, please don't do anything stupid. This isn't your fault.

I have to go.

Please just stay here man. Just stay.

I have to go.

I walked out the door in a daze. The most surreal moment of my life. I got in my car and just started driving.

July.

One month before she was at the beach with my family. All of it started coming together. The last three years of my life. My God, I talked to her on the phone the day of her wedding. I remember the day. Her friends were in town for a rafting trip.

A rafting trip.

I pulled my car over and opened my door. I threw up. I can't even comprehend any of it.

All I know is that getting drunk feels like the perfect solution.

Chapter 65

This is the most time I have spent with my family since getting clean and sober. My Dad and brother and I golf every day and it is wonderful, but I still feel uncomfortable. It isn't that I don't like spending time with them at all, it is the fact that I am going through so much change.

Some days it really feels like they just won't understand what is going on inside of me.

A couple times during the vacation I just have to go and be by myself in my room. It is hard to explain to myself, let alone them, why I feel the need to isolate myself. I have always loved action and attention. I have hated being alone.

I hated seclusion because I hated the guy that was keeping me company.

It is different now. I am starting to enjoy the quiet time I can have alone. I am enjoying getting to know my true thought process and what really makes me act the way I do.

I am finding peace.

Maybe it is finding me.

Tonight I just sit alone on the beach listening to the lull of the ocean. The rhythm of the waves allow me to calm my soul. The night is perfectly clear which is rare at the coast. I watch the sunset.

I watch as the sun slowly drops, seemingly right into the ocean. The colors are beautiful as the evening light fades before my eyes. Complete and total peace takes its place as my eyes turn skyward to gaze at the stars.

I think to myself that this might be the first time in my life that I have felt this small and been ok with the thought. I am but one grain of this sand that slowly sifts through my fingers.

The sound of the ocean soothes my restless heart and sets my mind free. Free from addiction, free from pain, free from worry and most of all free from myself.

This is the God that I long to know better.

The God that created this night.

This one perfect night etched forever upon me.

Without question a simple "Thank you" doesn't feel like it would ever be enough to express the feelings of gratitude. The waves crash as I close my eyes and take in the coastal air.

It is pure, unmarred by the foulness of this world.

It is everything I ever wanted to be.

Chapter 64

One of the hardest steps for me in this whole process is step 10.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

This is a daily step for me.

That means I fail at it daily. I have lived a life full of half truths for so long that it is a very hard habit to break. Rationalization and justification have been two training wheels that I haven't been able to fully remove.

Without them I have a tremendous fear that I will crash. I will fail. That is my day to day battle still. Fear of failing.

The Big Book will say it's all about progress and not perfection.

That is a tough one for me. I still think that I can be perfect. It has been a downfall of mine for as long as I can remember. I am never good enough for myself.

My progress has at least allowed me to admit that and it has at least allowed me to see how completely irrational that is. Day by day it gets better through work and through prayer. I start my day with the same prayers. I begin with the serenity prayer and then I ask God for strength. I pray that I stay clean and sober and I pray that I approach all situations with a pureness of spirit.

I approach each day that way.

I fail at it everyday in one way or the other. The difference is I work the program around it.

There is a lady at work that I really can't stand. She is fairly new and she thinks she knows everything. Right away I know I will have problems with her because of the attitude.

Truth is it is a trait that I have. I know everything. I hate it in her because I hate it in me. This is something in the past that I could never admit.

Well we got into it. I said a few things that I really wish I hadn't said. I wasn't the one who started it. I had one of her clients on the phone and she had given the client some poor information. She was on the other line so I did my best to handle the issue. The client wasn't happy at all. I took the full force of the anger and that never makes a guy smile.

I went over to her to explain what had happened and she got nasty with me. Instead of staying calm I shot it right back at her and walked away.

See if I ever try and help you again.

For the next hour I sat and just fumed about it. Most people would say I handled it the way I should have but I just can't let anger play a role in my day to day anymore. I get resentment and I want to drink. Even though I might have been justified in what I said to her it was still wrong.

When I am wrong I promptly admit it.

Well I swallow my pride and I walk over and apologize. She has the nerve to berate me a little over it and I just shut my mouth. I will never be able to control anyone else's actions but my own. I have a responsibility to myself and myself only. I let her say whatever she wanted and then walked away.

I cleaned my side of the street.

That's just how I have operate from now on. When I mess up I have to see and admit to myself that I failed and I have to try and make it right.

At night I do what the Big Book says. I look at my day and I see where I succeeded and I see where I failed. Do I owe anybody amends? How could I have acted differently? What do I need to change?

I hate doing this some days.

I hate it.

That doesn't change the fact I have to do it to achieve long term sobriety.

******************************************************

This year is the first year that I will be sober for my family vacation.

I am nervous about it. The past six months have not flown by at all. It seems like my days have crawled by. Each day in sobriety has been a long day indeed.

Krista and I have been talking quite a bit and she is concerned about what my family thinks about her. I have been honest with my family and told them that she is back in my life. They were not very happy to hear this because of the track record of our relationship. I told them that things were going to be different and that we had completely talked about the past mistakes she had made.

My family supports me. They may not agree with me but they support me. That is what family is all about.

I talk to Krista and tell her exactly that. I tell her that my family will welcome her with open arms if it is what I want. I ask her if she would like to meet me down at the beach for part of my vacation. She agrees to do that.

I spend a good amount of time with my nephews when I go to the beach. We build sandcastles and play in the ocean. The other thing is the arcades.

Skee-ball has long been a family tradition passed down from generation to generation. I have played these very Skee-ball machines when I was there age. I know that my Mom and Dad did also. The beach has family history.

There is nothing better than good family history.

I want to be able to spend as much time with my nephews as I can. I want them to remember me as a good man. A good Uncle who was always there to bring them smiles. I don't ever want them to remember me as a drunk.

Ever.

So we all spend time playing Skee-ball and Fascination. We collect tickets that the boys will use at the end of the trip to get ridiculously overpriced candy and toys.

Bite sized bit-o-honeys have been known to cost in the upwards of twelve dollars.

It is ok though, time spent with family has never had a price tag.

I have been going to the same meeting every day for almost six months. It is very hard to be away. I don't go to a meeting my first night at the beach. The second night comes and I really need one. I had looked up the meetings online and there are meetings every night. It says they are at "The Little Yellow House".

They didn't lie.

It is a little yellow house on 3rd street. This is my first meeting outside of Portland. It didn't shock me at all to find out that the addicts and alcoholics were just the same here at the beach as they were in Portland. The meetings weren't much different at all.

It is comforting to me.

No matter where I go I know there will always be people that have the same problems and issues as I do. There will always be people who are searching for the same healing that I am now searching for. There is an amazing amount of strength in that.

There is peace.

*******************************************

Krista is welcomed by everyone when she shows up.

I didn't expect it to be any different. I know my brother holds a pretty serious grudge against her. My brother saw me through my relationship with my ex-wife. He stood by my side and gave me support in ways that he may never know. I can only imagine that he just doesn't want to see me hurt like that ever again.

I don't blame him.

He was a perfect gentleman to her and that makes me happy.

We spent the day running and playing with the boys on the beach. It was great. The boys really like her.

Unfortunately she is really busy with work this week and can't stay for a couple days like originally planned. The good thing is she didn't miss out on family bowling night. This is a riot.

The clan of us goes and takes over the bowling alley. Watching the boys bowl is a little slice of heaven. They are so dang cute.

They also are really competitive.

This is a trait that runs in the family.

We have a great day and evening. It is awesome that I could show Krista what kind of family I had. I am very thankful that they trust and respect my decision.

Nobody says a negative word about it.