Chapter 23

"I Am" is the name of the band.

The name is taken from the Bible verse John 8:12

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."

I Am. The Great "I AM".

It is a beautiful name and a great idea. I have been in darkness for so long that I could really use a little of the light of life. I want so badly to be free from the pain that I am feeling inside of me. I want to be free.

I don't know how.

Being a Christian is something that is foreign to me. Knowing that God is there isn't, but the whole following God and following the Bible thing?

No clue.

I have looked at Christians as really naive people that have never really lived. They go to church and they read the bible and they have really boring lives. I am an action man. I always have to have something going on. I have to find a way to make this work.

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."

I am the light of the world.

I Am. The great "I AM"

Man, to me right now all I hear is I yam what I yam and that's all I yam.

I can't get Popeye out of my head.

I am now in a Christian band and my world is still very dark.


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My sanity comes in the form of a one year old boy.

He is the joy in my life. He is my happiness. He is everything to me.

I spend so much time with my nephew. He heals me in a way. I get to live through him and get to see him experience new things each day. There is just something in his little eyes when he looks at me. He doesn't see the surface. He doesn't see the addict. His eyes penetrate to the truth.

He is the only one that sees the real me. He sees what I don't.

I don't think I have ever felt so in love with anything or anyone in my life.

He and I have a special bond. I can't explain it. He just sees the real me.

I am Uncle Steve and for some reason I bring this little guy a tremendous amount of joy. Inside I feel worthless and alone and here is a little guy who sees me and his entire face lights up.

I just hold him. I hold him every chance I get.

At night I put him into his crib and he lays there, looking at me through the little wooden bars as I softly sing him to sleep.

He doesn't cry.

Ever.

He just stares at his Uncle Steve and ever so slowly his eyes close and he drifts off into the beautiful dreams that only a child can have.

Chapter 22

I actually laughed when I saw that someone had broken into my truck and stolen my stereo and all my speakers. How much more perfect could it get.

The night I asked her to marry me in Seattle the same thing happened. My truck was broken into and the stereo and speakers were stolen.

Apparently things have come full circle.

I drive home and I call my Mom. It is past midnight and I wake her up. I break down and just weep. I tell her the hell that I have been in. I tell her about the abuse.

She tells me to come home.

Home.

I don't even remember what that word is.

I get to my parents house and my Mom and Dad just hold me. I feel comforted for the first time in as long as I can remember. This is my family. This is my home.

I am safe.

*********************************

It is my nephews birthday the very next day. My entire family is showing up for it. My Aunts and Uncles and cousins.

Everyone.

It is too much.

I hide in the garage and I cry. I huddle in the corner of the garage and I cry. My big brother shows up and finds me and he is crying just as hard for me. He feels my hurt. My whole family feels my hurt.

Family. I found new meaning to this word that day.

They loved me and they surrounded me. They welcomed me home.

My brother told me that I could move in with his family for as long as I needed. My nephew Matt just turned a year old when we became roommates.

I left my wife on a Friday.

Monday my brother and I went and got all my clothes while she was at work. I took my clothes, the TV and my playstation. I left the rest.

I Had started a new job selling yellow page advertising about a month prior to this. I decided that I would go to work on Monday. I was in no shape to do so but I did anyways.

I went to our regular morning meeting and we had a new boss in our office.
His name was Brian and he was also a Pastor.

Looks like God took my offer pretty seriously.

He found me crying outside later in the day. Crying and smoking. I told him everything. He invited me out to his church that Sunday.

I couldn't say no.

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Sunday morning came and I traveled out to Hillsboro Oregon to a small church. They were just trying to start it up and there was maybe 30 people. I sat in the back and I cried the whole time. I had held so much pain inside of myself that it was coming out and I couldn't stop it.

They all prayed for me. They surrounded me and they prayed. Brian told me there was someone he wanted me to meet.

There was a guy there that was a few years younger than me who was playing bass for the small worship band. His name was Joe. Brian introduced us and told him that I was a musician and singer. Joe and I got to talking.

Turns out that he was in a Christian band with two other guys. They had been praying for a lead singer for this band. Someone who had been through the fire and come out the other side.

He asked if I was interested in coming out to sing and play with them later in the week.

More than you'll ever know.

I brought my guitar out later that week and met them all at Joes house where they practiced. I met the other guys in the band.

The drummer was a guy named Ariel and the guitarists name was Mark.

I opened my guitar case and I pulled out my guitar and played them a song I had written called "Nobody's Touch". They liked it.

They played some of their music and I decided to try and sing with Mark. The moment he and I sang together I realized that we had something.

They realized also.

I was excited when I left. I had found a band. God had directed me to them. It was amazing.

As I lit my joint for the drive home, I smiled.

Chapter 21

Going through this for the first time is taking its toll on me.

I am alone in my room in rehab and I am writing all of this out and I see it on paper for the first time and realize I have this hate inside of me that I haven't been able to kill. I haven't been able to get rid of the extreme hate that I feel towards my ex-wife.

All I can write is the highlights. Am I actually calling them "highlights" in my head?

I know that I somehow have to get past this.

I know that I have to release it and to tell you the truth I don't really know how to. I know that the pain of being an abused husband and hiding and lying about it to everyone had taken its toll on me.

Having to go to work with black eyes and explain that I got elbowed playing basketball. Have I used this one yet? I avoid my family. I can't spend time with my family alone without her freaking out.

I go to a baseball game with my Dad in Seattle. She knows that we have planned this. When I get home she screams at me for leaving her alone. I am at a loss. I have no idea what the next thing is that will set her off. I think she is cheating on me.

I don't care.

I think there is a point that we reach where we have had enough. Where the pain gets so great that a decision has to be made.

I finally make mine.

We are out at a club and she is pissed off at me again. She is yelling at me and degrading me in front of other people. She is dancing with other men to piss me off. She is saying things to my face in front of them that I won't ever repeat.

I snap.

I go into the bathroom and I am in tears. I can't do this anymore. Something inside of me is screaming out for something new. Something is calling to me and telling me that it will be ok.

I feel God for the first time in as long as I can remember. It is overwhelming.

I feel Him call to me in a way that I have never felt.

I drop to my knees in tears. I drop to my knees on the floor of a bathroom in a crowded club. I call out to God.

If you can hear me. If you can give me enough strength to walk out of this right now and never look back I will serve you for the rest of my life.

That was my prayer.

I found my wife and I looked her in the eye and said that I was leaving and she would never see me again.

Fuck you. You'll be back.

Not this time.

I turned and walked away and I haven't seen her since.

Chapter 20

The one thing that we have in common is drinking.

In fact, that is all we do together. We go out and we drink.

She moves in with me at my brothers house. I know my brother doesn't like her at all and I can feel that from the very start. She also bad mouths my brother whenever she can. The same brother that is allowing her to live in his house for free.

We decide that we need to get our own place.

I get a job working for Nike downtown. It is a decent job that doesn't pay very good at all. When I interviewed the first time for the job I didn't get it. I think it is because I have hair halfway down my back. I decide to chop it all off and I get another interview. I get the job.

We move into an apartment. We drink daily.

We are terrible together.

*********************************

Sitting in rehab and writing out all of this and talking about it is the first time I have faced the pain of being with her. I never talked about it for the four years after I left.

I just stuffed it away and I drank to suppress the pain.

I know I have to go through all of this. I have to go through the hell to get better. I could write pages on the amount of fights that we get into. They are nasty hateful fights that I can't even believe I am a part of.

I decide that I should just focus on the big events. The Wedding. The arrests. Jail. The hospital.

The day that I prayed to God to set me free.

********************************

It rained on my wedding day. I think that really should have been the first indication that God was trying to tell me something. It was an outdoor wedding and the ceremony itself lasted about 5 minutes. I think the Devil himself cut it that short so I wouldn't come to my senses.

I didn't get married for love. I did not love this woman. I can't really place my finger completely on it. Inside of me I felt like this was what I deserved for being an alcoholic and addict. I also felt like somehow I could save this woman from the pain of her past as an abused child. Somehow I thought if I could do that I would be cured.

Sick thinking from a sick man. You can't change anyone. That is something that only happens with Divine help.

My wife told me horrible stories about being abused by her mother. They were stories that I had a hard time believing. I had met her mother on a couple of occasions and to tell you the truth I couldn't see the evil that she had told me about. To this day I don't know what the truth is. I just know it doesn't matter what I believe.

We get married and we get drunk.

I smoke the last cigarette and don't leave my beautiful new bride a smoke. She screams at me on our wedding night and calls me an asshole. We end up sleeping on opposite sides of the bed.

Memories.

The next year is filled with some of the worst moments of my life. She hates my family. She hates the fact they want to actually see me. She hates the fact that I play music and she won't let me play out in front of people. She tells me the only reason I do it is to have other women want me. If I do go out and play all hell breaks loose when I get home.

The verbal abuse turns to physical abuse. She starts slapping me whenever and wherever she feels I deserve it. At home.

In public.

I don't hit her back. Instead I punch walls. I drink with a furry.

My fun with police begins.

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I FUCKING HATE YOU! YOU ARE A WORTHLESS ASSHOLE!!

We are in downtown Portland and she is just screaming at me on a street corner. We are both drunk. We are always both drunk. She is hysterical. The police are called.
She takes off and leaves me standing on a street corner baffled once again at how we got to that moment.

The police show up and I don't want to talk with them. All I want to do is find my wife. I tell them this. They don't care. I try and walk away and they don't let me.

I push one of the officers.

My first lesson of what not to do to a police officer.

I am taken to the ground and three police officers beat the absolute crap out of me. I get taken to Hooper detox and spend the night locked up. Bruised and passed out on the concrete floor.

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I know that I am not at all blameless in this relationship. I press her buttons all the time. When she gets verbal with me I don't back down anymore. I let her know how she makes me feel.

Our fights get really ugly. I just don't know what to do anymore.

The first time she made me bleed was the worst.

I decided I didn't want to listen to her any more and I went to sleep on the couch. I had just fallen asleep when she came downstairs.

She stood above me and stomped on my face with her Steve Madden pumps. I thank God that the couch had some give to it. The amount of blood that came out of my face was amazing. I went outside and I just stood in the dark and cried.

I cried and I bled.

By the time she came out to get me my shirt was covered in blood. She was very sweet when she came out to get me.

Let me clean you up. Let me clean you up.

That is all she said.

I told her I needed to go to the hospital and she didn't agree.

I drove myself to the emergency room to get seven stitches while she went back to sleep.

*********************************

MOMMY!

She has me by the throat and she has actually called me "Mommy".

I have two black eyes because she has punched me in the face about six times. I could have just taken one to the face but after she hit me once something inside me snapped.

Is that all you have Bitch?

The answer was "No"

Hell no.

She now had me by the throat and she had the look in her eyes. The look that says she wasn't there anymore. She had checked out and whatever evil darkness that lurked within was now in charge.

I remember going backwards down the flight of stairs.

The next thing I remember is being handcuffed by the police.

She had called the police on me and said I was trying to kill her. They handcuff me. I am bruised and bloody and she has no marks at all on her and they handcuff me.

She comes downstairs and gets right in my face.

See what happens when you fuck with me?

The cops decide to take her also. They handcuff her and it makes me smile.

The young happy couple.

***********************************************

Fingerprinted.

The Mugshot.

I am behind bars.

I wake up the next day. They serve us turkey.

It is Thanksgiving day and I am in jail with two black eyes.

There isn't one thing in the world that I can think of at this very moment that I am even close to thankful for.

Chapter 19

Two new guys in our small group today.

The Hippie and the Hypocrite.

The Hippie is so whacked out on detox meds for his heroine addiction that it is actually funny to watch him nod off in his chair. He is currently in his own world.

The Hypocrite is around 50 years old and his body language tells all of us to just not talk to him. He informs everyone as he sits down that we are all pussies who can't handle drinking.

This is so funny to me.

What do you mean? What about you?

What about me?

He says this to me with extreme anger. So much anger that our counselor Adam steps in to stop the exchange. Rehab can get ugly. We are ugly people with ugly issues that we haven't come to terms with.

We know how to destroy.

Take it easy you guys. We aren't going to have a pissing contest on your first day in group.

Whatever. He is a pussy.

I don't let it bother me. I have been here for a bit now and I know he just isn't happy to be sitting in a small group in rehab. I really think the issue is all of our ages. We are all 30 and under, Adam included.

This is his tenth rehab facility.

His tenth attempt. I should really say it is his families tenth attempt because you can already tell he isn't going to be anything but trouble.

The tension in the room is finally broken by the Hippie. Out of nowhere he just grabs Adams keys that are on the floor.

I will go. I will go and that will be that.

We all just look at him and laugh.

What did you just say?

He looks at Adam blankly.

Can I have my keys?

They keys drop to the floor and he nods off again. He is clueless to his surroundings. Adam asks if a couple of us will take the Hippie back up to the detox wing. He just isn't ready to be a contributing member of small group.

No shit.

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I sign up for my first meeting outside of the rehab facility. It is a Narcotics Anonymous meeting and I am interested to see how all of these outside meetings work. After dinner we all board the druggie buggie and head off.

We pull up to the church and there is ten or so people out front smoking. It is an interesting mix of people. Biker to businessman, homeless to hottie. Apparently drugs just don't care.

The meeting is a large one. The chairs are a huge circle and I find an open one. I have no idea what to expect.

The meeting has a chairperson that basically gets things rolling. Some things are read that are read at every meeting. The chairperson then talks about whatever topic they want to talk about. Its like drug story time. That person finishes their story and calls on someone else. I learn later that there are different kinds of meetings that operate different ways.

The stories are great. I mean great because I can relate to them. It is a weird dynamic. Someone is talking about how they are completely suicidal and wanting to kill the next person they see and there are actually people nodding theirs heads in agreeance.

Lets see that happen in a PTA meeting.

Some people cry when they talk and others are there just because they love to hear themselves talk. I actually feel at home in this meeting. I feel like I "get" these people.

There is a point in the meeting where they acknowledge time in recovery.

Is anyone here for their first meeting.

That's me.

I just kind of raise my hand not knowing what else to do. She asks me to come up and get a key chain. She gives me a hug and says keep coming back.

People clap.

The key chain reads Just For Today

That is how I am going to have to live my life from now on. Just For Today.

One day at a time. One moment at a time.

After the meeting we go outside and smoke. There is so many people that come up to us newcomers that got our first key chain. They shake our hands. They hug us. They welcome us "Home".

Seeing a newcomer to the program reminds them of where they have come from.

Some journeys are longer than others

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He is sitting on the front steps of the treatment facility when we return.

He is wasted.

Who knows how much he has had to drink already but the two fifths that sit with him tell me he isn't even close to done.

HI PUSSIES! ANYONE WANT A DRINK?

He is taunting us. Someone please join me in my pain.

It is painful to see. It is the truth about addiction right before all of our eyes. He made it through detox and one day in small group. He got sober enough to realize he didn't want to feel.

We all learn to kill pain in one way or another.

As I walk by him I feel like I have to say something.

You don't have to do this man. You can get sober.

The hypocrite just stares forward into the night.

I could, but I just don't fucking care.

and that was that. I walked inside the doors to the treatment facility and left him and his pain on the front steps. He wasn't even here long enough to know his name.

Sad but true.