Chapter 29

Do you want to talk about that?

Adam just stood over me and he had a little bit of a smirk on his face. He has this way of calming you. I feel like he really knows what I am going through.

Why did you get in his face, Steve? I know that he said some stupid shit but come on. He is not even all there.

I don't know. I guess it has all just been building up inside of me. I just exploded.

Yeah, no shit. That can't happen again.

It won't.

Just make sure that when you get out of here you find a sponsor and you really work this program. Work it. I want to get a call from you in a year and hear that you are clean and sober.

I can tell he really means that. As he walks away I hear him laugh a little. I have to ask him.

What's so funny man?

He just keeps walking and laughing. Shaking his head, I hear him faintly say, "Tough guy."

I have a good laugh at my own expense.

*************************************

Most of my small group is smoking up a storm in the courtyard when I walk out. Most all of them laugh at me.

Damn Dude, I thought you were gonna kill him!

With each comment I feel worse for what I did. I feel that guilt build in me. That familiar "Man I wish I hadn't done that" feeling. I am so use to just suppressing that guilt with chemicals. Have to find another way.

I see him and I know that I have to tell him I am sorry.

He is sitting at one of the picnic tables.

Alone.

Hey man, I am really sorry for that shit I just pulled.

I didn't mean to say that. I just didn't think.

It's cool. I just hate talking about what I went through and when you laughed I just snapped.

Sorry.

So am I.

We talk for a while and he tells me he is a pill junkie. He is here to get detoxed and do a 28 day run before he has to do some time in jail for B and E on a drug store. When they caught him coming out of the pharmacy he had a pillowcase full of pills. Most of us had already heard this story second hand. I am amazed that it is actually true.

Addiction makes you do crazy things.

Like every single one of us, he is just scared. Scared to be here. Scared about what the future holds.

Scared of what we have become.

***********************************

It is lunch time when I walk past the phones.

I check the chalkboard and I see my name.

Steve S. Krista called

I want to call her back. I really do. Right now lunch sure seems like it is a whole lot healthier for me.

I check my mail and I have letters. I have gotten cards and letters from all of my family. Every Aunt, Every Uncle... everyone. There is so many people in here that have lost everything, family included.

Mine has rallied around me. It is what keeps me going right now.

I put the letters in my pocket. I save the reading until I get back to my room because every one of them makes me cry. They all say how much I am loved. They all tell me how wonderful they think I am.

Sometimes it's a little tough to swallow.

*********************************************

We have an AA meeting in rehab tonight. It is a big mandatory meeting with everyone attending.

Cozmo and I have been playing cribbage. This is one of my favorite games and he had never played before. With so much going on inside of you it is a nice distraction. We play every night.

We are a little late for the meeting and the only place to sit is right up front. We have to do the walk of shame and pretty much interrupt the meeting.

Erroll gives us both "the look".

Rehab Natzi.

The meeting is a speaker meeting. A speaker meeting isn't a regular meeting. There is someone there to tell you their story.

Experience, strength and hope.

Tonight it was multiple speakers. Three of them.

We sit and listen to the first two and they have good stories. The first guy has about five years sober time. He talks about lost jobs and lost love, staples in the lush community.

The next speaker is a woman. She tells her story as a drunk stay at home Mom. She has been sober seven years.

The last speaker is a man named Dale.

He is a little old man in is 70's. He opts to stay seated while he tells his story.
Something about Dale just draws me in. I want to know his story.

When he says that he has been sober for over 40 years I just can't believe it. My first thought is what the hell are you still doing in an AA meeting?

Dale tells his story of being a drunk, an honest to goodness drunk. His story is painful. His story is beautiful. A part of myself is in that same story.

He is a soft spoken man.

He talks about his first meeting of Alcoholic's Anonymous and the first sponsor he ever had. The fact that someone wanted to help out a drunk like him and wanted nothing at all in return.

and then Dale cried.

He cried because he was thankful.

After 40 years, this story still made him cry.

I was more overwhelmed at that moment than any other. It hit me.

I want what this guy has. I want to be able to cry 40 years down the line when I think about how thankful I am to have been given a shot at living clean and sober. Dale has been going to meetings for 40 years and sharing his life, his heartbreak, his triumph.

His experience.

His strength.

His hope.

He finished by thanking God. He thanked God for accepting a drunk like himself.

He wipes his tears and says

and that's all I gotta say about that.

The room was in tears. It was the most powerful thing I had seen.

The meeting ended and we all just walked outside to smoke in silence. Cozmo just looked at me and shook his head like he couldn't even come up with words to explain what he felt.

He didn't have to.

The power of God working through someone to touch the lives of others.

To touch all of us.

To touch me.

Jerrod walked up to me in complete tears.

Please pray with me. Please...

at that moment I can't think of anything else in the world I would rather do.

Chapter 28

No matter what the negative consequences are, we just keep doing the same shit over and over.

We all have the same stories. The location is different and the characters aren't the same, but it all comes back to the same truth. We keep doing the same things over and over and each time we keep expecting a different result.

The true definition of insanity.

Our counselor Adam is reading one of his favorite stories out of the Big Book in our small group today. The book can be very humorous at times because it was written so long ago. Adam tells us you just have to look past that and "feel" the message.

The story is about a Jaywalker. This guy walks across the street one day and gets nailed by a car. Just a couple bruises the first time. The next day he jaywalks again and I'll be damned if he doesn't get hit again. This time his injuries are more serious. He recovers a couple days later and jaywalks again. A car breaks bones this time and he goes to the hospital. After a long period of recovery he walks out of the hospital and does it again.

He is hit and is killed.

What a fucking idiot, I hear the Hippie mumble.

He is finally out of his drooling stage and has resorted to mumbling. I feel for him though. I heard that his detox from heroin was almost fatal, at least that's what the rumor was.

I can't say that I don't agree with him.

The guy IS an idiot. If I keep getting hit by cars I am going to use the damn crosswalk.

Aren't I?

Then what the hell am I doing in here?

We sit around and talk about this insanity. This disease. Every one of us has a story. Every one of us has MANY stories about the insanity. We know the hell that addiction has caused but we STILL pick up that drink, that drug, that woman.... What ever it is. We can't stop by our own power.

Powerless.

We are ALL powerless.

It sucks to be powerless.

I am talking about the progression of abuse in my relationship with my ex-wife. I have talked about the subject a few times in group but it still burns inside of me. It has been a few YEARS since it all happened but some days it feels like it was just yesterday. I use to hate looking in the mirror because of the scar under my eye where she kicked me.

I hate looking at my scars.

All of them.

When I talk about this in group I can still feel the underlying rage I have. That suppressed rage that I released while drinking and using. Now I have taken both of those outlets away. Sometimes I just feel like one big timebomb waiting for the little hand to make its final tick.

My release today would come in the form of the new guy, Bill. He showed up much like the Hippie, drugged beyond belief. Half of his head is shaved and there is a fresh horseshoe scar on the side of his head.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest is all I can think about.

Damn, what the hell did they do to this guy?

He sat for most of our group in silence. I was talking about my ex-wife and the punches and kicks and how helpless I felt.

He laughs.

He fucking laughs.

Sound like she could have been a hell of a boxer.

Silence.



Tick

I am out of my seat and in his face faster than I know how it happened.

SHE STOMPED ON MY FUCKING FACE YOU ASSHOLE!

I slam my foot into the floor as hard as I can for effect.

I don't know who is terrified more, him or me. A couple guys grab me and pull me away.

What the fuck was that all about?

Adam just stares at me.

Steve, what the fuck? Go cool off.

I walk into the back room and I am literally hyperventilating. I feel trapped inside my own body. I can't escape. I just slump against the wall and bury my face into my hands.

I cry.

I hurt.

I realize that this road that I am starting down isn't some quick fix. I don't say some magic prayer or go to a meeting or spend all this time in rehab and suddenly become a new man.

I want to run again.

I just want to kill this feeling with anything I can get my hands on. I want the blackness. I want to open a bottle of Jack and swallow as much of it as I can until I can feel the skin peeling off the back of my throat. I want to blur it all.

Shut down.

Turn off the pain.

It has been close to four years and it feels like it was yesterday.

I am outside bleeding in the dark.

tears.

Chapter 27

Every morning was the same thing.

I would poke my head over her cube and in my best Joey voice give her the
"How You Dooin?"

This would make her smile from ear to ear and that made my day. Every day. We started talking more and more each day and it was refreshing. I had gotten out of the worst relationship in the world and had a bit of a woman chip on my shoulder. She seemed like the all-American girl next door and the answer to a whole lot of my pain.

The only problem was she was moving in a month to Colorado. Once again I would have to make the decision of letting go or holding on. I held on.

She did move and I was crushed. I really felt like we had an amazing connection.

The emails back and forth started the week after she left. Then the phone calls. We had so much fun talking and laughing. I hadn't laughed with a woman for so long I had forgotten how great it felt.

I made the decision to take a trip to Colorado to see her. I was completely head over heels and it was refreshing.

Word got around our office about us. One of the project managers that she worked with came up to me one day.

What's the story with you and Krista?

I just told her like it was. We were planning on seeing each other soon. I was happy.

What happened to her boyfriend?

My heart sank for the first of many times.

I was on the phone about ten minutes later.

**********************************************

She assured me over and over that her and her boyfriend had broken up and that was one of the main reasons she needed a change in location. She told me that she was totally in love with me and that I had nothing at all to worry about.

I was fine with that. I had no reason at all to think anything different. She could have told me the world was flat and I would have believed her.

We continued our phone conversations and emails for the next month and a half. I fly to Denver to spend five days with her.

We had the most incredible time together. We went to a Rockies baseball game and just really enjoyed being around each other. We went out at night and just had so much fun shooting pool and drinking beer. She was everything that I would want in a woman.

Everything.

I hated flying home. It was heartbreaking. She said that she would fly back to see me for Christmas. That was perfect.

****************************************

We had been playing in our practice pad for close to a year. Writing amazing amounts of music and getting a great sound together. It was time to play a show.

I started contacting clubs in Portland. Our first gig was going to be a Sunday night show.

Great night for a band!

The booking agent basically wanted to see if we could play and if we could bring a crowd. I worked in a call center with 1500 people. I think we would be able to bring some folks.

I walked all around the call center and delivered stuff. It was great. I wore headphones all day and just made people laugh. During my breaks I would got to my car and smoke some weed, put in some Clear Eyes and get on with my day.

I was well liked at this place. They called me the "Fax Bitch". I thought it was funny as hell.

Our guitar player, Mark, was a graphic designer and made some of the coolest flyers for our show. I handed out hundreds of them.

The Sunday that we played was great. It was a decent turn out and the soundman at the Club really dug our sound. The booking agent asked if we would like a Friday night gig.

What do you think?

They booked us for the next Friday night. Word spread about our band around my workplace.

That Friday night they had to turn people away at the door. It was the biggest turnout this place had ever had. You could see people outside hanging by the windows listening to us. It was not bad for a second gig. It felt so good to be on a stage again. It had been so many years.

The way we approached the Christian aspect of our music was not like a typical Christian band. We never came right out and said we were "Christian".

I guess "I" never came out and said it.

We were always a band of Christians and not a Christian band. Mark and Joe had amazing vision as to where they saw us fitting in. I just wanted to be singing and playing and feeling good once again.

I was still drinking.

I was still using drugs.

In my heart I knew that God wasn't going to be blessing this at all.

*******************************************

By the time Krista came back to visit we were playing every week. It was great.

It was so good to see her again. We had lots planned for Christmas and New Years. She was my girlfriend. Really one of the only true girlfriends I have ever had. I didn't really date at all in High School and had one girlfriend in college. She was great.

We sat in my room and she shared pictures that she had taken when I was in Colorado and pictures of her nephew at Thanksgiving.

The picture she forgot to take out was one of her and Mike on the beaches of Hawaii.

Heart to the floor once again.

She tried to tell me it was an old picture but I am not a ignorant man. In the stack of photos was a proof page that showed the order of the pictures catching her in a heartbreaking lie.

It was a friends wedding. A mutual friend. We were both invited. I didn't want you to get worried so I didn't tell you he might be there.

The world is flat...

The world is flat...

flat.

Chapter 26

Living at my brother's house has been a good thing for me. It has given me a chance to get away from the hell I was in and collect my thoughts. I know that this is a huge change for me and I really don't know how to handle it.

I decide that the best thing for me to do is channel every bit of energy into the new band. Thinking about that allows me to not think about the rest of my life.

We practice quite a bit which is awesome.

I have really given up on my yellow page job. I rarely show up for work. I just can't get myself to go out and talk to people about business when I am hurting so bad. I show up in the morning and then usually leave and go to a movie or go and smoke weed and play pinball at the nickel arcade.

I have been living in my brothers home office. It has a glass door so my nieces have been calling me the boy in the plastic bubble. I know that at some point I have to move.

Luckily for me my best friend Tom asked if I wanted to get a place with him. He was living elsewhere but he stepped up to help me out. He is a true friend.

We get a condo and it feels good to be back in the mix with my friends. I spent so much time away from everyone because of my ex-wife. She just didn't want me hanging around my friends.

I actually get to have a nightlife once again and I jump all over it.

I start living this double life.

One part of me is out drinking and partying and the other is the lead singer of a Christian band. It was difficult. I don't let my bandmates in on that side of my life. I hide it from them. I lie.

Guilt.

Here are these guys that have opened their hearts and homes and I can't be completely honest with them. I can't tell them how bad I am hurting. I don't want them to see how weak I actually am. I can't show weakness.

I just can't.

So it just continues. We practice for the better part of a year and write an enormous amount of songs. We are all perfectionists and want to have a perfect sound before we start playing live.

I decide that the yellow page business isn't for me. I just walk out of a meeting one day and I never return.

Probably not the greatest idea.

I start working as a painter for a guy that painted my brothers house. It is a perfect job for me at the time. I get to smoke weed, have a couple beers and just think.

My life slows while I paint. It is soothing. I loved it.

Unfortunately it didn't last for long. The painter decided to move on without me. I was without a job.

I got a temp job as an office assistant at a call center for a major bank. I delivered faxes and basically do busy work. It is perfect.

It was at this job that I found the absolute love of my life.

From the first moment I saw her I seriously fell in love.

I just wish I had never met her.

Chapter 25

Something about that meeting just allowed me to turn a corner.

That feeling. That honest feeling.

His power.

HIS and not mine.

It was cold in the courtyard that night. I had a huge chew in and was smoking a cigarette. I am painfully aware of the irony of my nicotine addiction while I am in rehab for my "other" addictions.

Baby steps. I think this in my head and I laugh a little.

Eric comes out and walks up to me.

He just says Thank you and that was that. He walks away. He didn't cry at all. I don't think I will see tears from him at any point during our stay.

It was a good night in the courtyard. So many people talking about how good it felt to pray for someone. How the room felt when we all did it. When we sought God with our hearts.

As addicts and alcoholics most of our prayers were of the 911 variety...

Oh please God, if you just get me outta this mess I will be good. Please God don't let him find the pipe. Oh please God if you could just loosen these handcuffs a little...

Most of us have been so self-absorbed for so long we don't even know what it feels like to pray for others. I just know that for myself, when I started praying with others, something changed inside me. I opened some part of me that I had never felt before.

The one thing I know is it felt good.

Healing.

I continue smoking and thinking about all of it. I have talks with Jerrod and Adam. All of us have this unique bond. It's survival mode.

I see Lacey come out to smoke and suddenly that unique bond that is holding me to these guys is like wet scotch tape.

Oh, I see how it is!

I just smile at Jerrod as I walk away.

He laughs. I am starting to like this guy. We all put up fronts for protection and his is finally starting to come down. He came into treatment very cocky and arrogant. He acted like he knew everything. It really bothered me. It took me a while to figure out that it bothered me because it was a trait that I have that I hate.

Funny how that works.

Lacey and I have been talking quite a bit the last days. It is just nice to have female conversation. Really nice.

She tells me about her son and how she just wants to get clean for him. Talking to her makes me realize how thankful I am that I never had children with my ex-wife.
Lacey is a wonderful girl to talk to. She is funny and has an amazingly infectious laugh. I talk to her about my relationship history and the couple women that I have actually dated for extended periods.

She listens.

It's nice.

I talk a little about my ex-wife and the abuse stuff. It is a little awkward to be telling this to another woman but I do anyways.

She asks me about any current ladies in my life.

This is a question that takes me a little off guard. I really don't want to talk about the last couple years and what I have been going through.

It just makes my heart hurt.

Chapter 24

There is a knock on my door.

Very quiet. Almost apprehensive.

I open the door to see Tattoo Eric standing with his head down.

I need to ask you something Steve.

I let him in my room and we sit down. He tells me that his little cousin has been in an accident. He doesn't have much detail at all. He is scared.

He has been shot in the head.

I don't know what to do, man. I am in here and my Mom is telling me that the doctors don't think he is going to make it. He was with a friend and somehow he got shot in the face.

I am silent. I just don't have the words.

We have an NA meeting in the dining room tonight and I was wondering if you could, I don't know... say something. I can't talk very well in front of people and I know that you and Bryce like to pray a lot. I just don't know what else to do.

Yeah Eric, I would do that. I will see if we can just all pray together.

He just nodded and walked to the door.

*******************************************

The meetings that come to the treatment facility are not open meetings. There are usually two or three people that come in and run them. Tonight's meeting is a Narcotics Anonymous meeting and there are three people running the show. Two guys and one girl. They are all in their 20's and all three are heroin addicts.

They all tell their stories and we all sit in a circle and listen. This meeting isn't like the one we went to at the church. These guys are here basically to share with us what NA is all about.

Some of us know, some of us don't so it's fine by me.

It is a big group of us.

At the end of the meeting we all stand and recite the Serenity Prayer.


God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

This prayer is like our handshake. Everyone knows it. I think it is beautiful.

The visitors thank us and I decide that it is time for me to say something about Eric's cousin.

Hey, before we all leave I was asked by a person in this room to say a prayer for their little cousin.

It wasn't but 3 seconds after I said this that one of the male visitors looked at me almost like he was insulted.

We don't use our meetings for that.

The comment took me completely off guard but I knew that I was asked to do something and there wasn't anything that was going to hold me back from doing it.

I looked him dead in the eye and said,

I wasn't asking.

I looked over at Eric and he was just nodding his head at me.

That gave me strength.

A good friend of mine here approached me today because one of their family members is in the hospital. This persons younger cousin was shot in the head today and they don't think that he is going to make it. I just wanted to say this with all of us here because I know that there is power in prayer. I just want us all to pray together for this kid. I just want us to join hands and pray.

There wasn't one complaint.

We joined hands and I said a prayer to God. After I was finished I just asked that we all pray silently in our own way. Pray for this little boy.

So many of us just cried.

I know that there couldn't have been one person in that room, in that circle, that didn't feel what I felt. It was overwhelming.

Amen.