Chapter 47

I can't say that I slept well.

I am leaving. I am leaving my comfort zone and going to be heading home. I hit breakfast with Cozmo and Curtis. The Three Lushketeers. These are my boys, Bryce especially.

They both live outside of Portland but not that far away at all. I know that we will be in touch.

This bacon. All this bacon. Oh how I will miss the sight of a huge mound of bacon.
I actually heard my heart say "You Bastard" as I grabbed a bakers dozen. Today we shall eat like Kings!

We absolutely ate ourselves stupid.

and we laughed. We laughed like brothers. The three of us really bonded in here and I am thankful for both of them.

I have to be out of here by noon. I have all my stuff packed and have done all of my checkouts. I have been given my car keys back.

and my hair gel. I laugh at this. They now trust me with hair gel that has alcohol in it. Baby steps.

I go around and say my goodbyes to everyone. I wish Adam the best of luck with his family. I tell Jerrod to remember to put God first. This is his second time here and I hope it sticks in him like I pray it sticks in me. I tell both of the Erics goodbye. I know that I will see tattoo Eric up in outpatient in Portland.

So many people. So many broken lives. I know in my heart that this will be the last time I see most of them. That's just how it is. We are in each others lives for sometimes only a moment and now I realize that it is the moments that count.

Lots of hugs and lots of "love you man". This has been my home for a month and these people have been my family.

I will miss them.

Cozmo helps me grab my stuff and load it into my car.

Keep it real Cozmo. Stay strong.

The shoulder to shoulder tap ensues.

I love you and I will see you on the outside.

For sure. Peace.

I stand for a while by my car. It has been parked the whole month right behind the back wall of the courtyard. I am having trouble actually getting in it right now so I just stand. I figure another smoke won't hurt.

As I light my Camel I see her walk out into the courtyard. I can tell she is looking for me and that feels good.

YO!

Lacey looks over and smiles.

Join me for a last smoke?

She does.

The girl makes me smile and that is a cool feeling. I know that I would love to get to know her outside of these walls and who knows, I just might. Right now it's goodbye.

We smoke and we talk. I tell her that I will call her so be looking for my name on the chalkboard. She gives me a big hug and walks away.

One deep sigh and I get behind the wheel.

Here we go.

I pull out of the back alley and before I pull out on the main street I open my ashtray. One last thing to do before I leave.

As I pull away I leave the glass pipe shattered on the pavement behind me.

*************************************

It is so good to have music again.

My stereo is blaring as I cruise North on Interstate 5. I am listening to the album I bought on the way down here. The rebirth of Kirk Franklin.

The lyrics just make me wanna sing.

Every time I look back
And every time I think back
On all the stuff I've been through
I've prayed through I cried through
And then I tried you and just
When I was about to fall
Your love caught me when your name I called
Jesus you keep on lookin' out for me

Remember when the doctor said
He said he couldn't help you and
Remember when the money was gettin' low
You're hurtin' now your feeling low and just
When you thought the night would never end
The sun came out now you can smile again
Jesus you keep on lookin' out for me

You keep on lookin' out for me
In spite of all I've done
Jesus you keep on lookin' out for me

I shouldn't be here today
And when I look back on all my mistakes
If it hadn't been for your grace
I don't know where I'd be where I'd go
Who can love me like you do
And who can hold me when I'm going through
Jesus you keep on lookin' out for me


I have an entire gospel choir in my backseat the whole way home.

A funny thing happens the closer I get to Portland. I start feeling anxious and scared. I don't really want to go home yet. I decide to waste time shopping for some new kicks. Anything to keep my mind busy.

I go shopping. Couple new pairs of kicks later I am back in my car and the feeling really hasn't gone away.

I know that I need to get to a meeting or something.

There is a house in NW Portland. It is six blocks from where I live. It is a house that has recovery meetings in it pretty much all day. I have never been but I know it is there. I pull into the parking lot and find out there is a meeting in the basement in 20 minutes.

Perfect.

I grab a cup of coffee. A cup of CAFFEINATED coffee and take a seat. There is a guy there that is asking if someone wants to chair the meeting. Meaning, sit up front and run the thing. I don't know why but I say I will.

I know how meetings run. They have a laminated sheet that tells me how this one does.

Welcome to the New Alternatives group of Alcoholics Anonymous. My name is Steve and I am an alcoholic.

HI STEVE.

A whole room full of people.

The meeting starts with the reading of the chapter "How it works" from the big book. After that I pick the topic. I have no idea what I am going to say. I just tell them that I literally just got out of rehab and needed a meeting and I was 30 days sober.

Now some people think this is great and others think I shouldn't even be sitting up in front of them. How can a guy 30 days sober have anything to offer. I really don't. I am on a bit of a rehab high and these guys have been pounding it out in the real world.

I understand.

After I talk I get to just call on people. I don't know anyone so I just start randomly picking people.

The first is a sweet lady who has 16 years. She spits truth. I love it.

She finishes and I look around the room for the next person. Sitting in the middle of the room I see this guy that for some reason just looks different from the rest. He has a dress shirt and tie on and is looking right at me.

I call on him.

He walks up and stands behind the podium.

It's great to have you here. Welcome home. My name is Jeff and I am an alcoholic.

Hi Jeff.

From the first words out of his mouth I felt like I knew this guy. He spoke like he was reading my soul. He had been sober for many years. He was a lush and a cokehead. I hung on his every word.

The meeting finished and I went outside to smoke.

I saw Jeff standing with some other folks and I walked over to thank him for what he shared. We talked for a while and he asked me what I did. I told him I worked for a bank dealing with mortgages and I also played music.

He laughed.

That's funny. I am a Mortgage Broker and I also am a musician.

Perfect. I asked him right then if he would consider being a sponsor.

He didn't even think about it before he said yes. We exchanged numbers and I left.

I headed home for the first time in over a month. I was out of rehab and I had already been to a meeting and I got a sponsor. Things were looking up.

I parked my car and walked to my front door. I hadn't told my roommate I was coming home. I opened the door and he and another friend of ours was there with two girls. They were happy to see me. I was happy to see them also.

They were all sitting around drinking beers.

Reality.

They weren't drunk or anything. They didn't drink the same way I did. They were just drinking like some folks can. I felt my whole body shake. None of this is going to be easy at all.

I took my stuff upstairs to my room.

I stayed behind a shut door for the rest of the night.

Chapter 46

I sit under the shelter on one of the tables and listen to the rain fall on the pavement of the courtyard. It is really hard to just grasp that tomorrow I will be driving back to Portland.

So much has happened in the last month. I have had a huge fog lifted from my head. My body has started to heal and I feel so much better. I was amazed that I still had high levels of THC in my body after not smoking pot for a month.

No one is outside right now. It is just me and the rain.

I think of the broken man that walked in here, angry and stoned. I think of those first couple days in detox and still being able to hear the desperate yells of addicts without their fuel.

I can't ever forget this.

That one thought just runs through my head.

I can't ever forget this.

I am scared but I am really happy. I have a new feeling inside of me that I haven't felt for I don't know how long.

Pride.

I a proud of what I have done. It is so different from the arrogance I have felt in the past. This pride is filled with a new sense of gratitude and acknowledgement that God is doing for me what I could not do for myself.

I can feel my own tears run down my face and I know that for once they aren't because of pain.

I have spent so long in the darkness that I have forgotten what it feels like to be in the Light. I know that the road ahead of me is going to be so long but I also know that I am stupid to think that it isn't just as long for everybody. All of us have felt this separation in one way or another. In me it manifests itself into addiction. I am not special in that sense. I know that if I start thinking that way again I will be at the bottom of the bottle and bong in no time at all.

I have to be real. I know that God called me a long long time ago and I know that I hid. I think of how I got on my knees and begged Him to get me out of the hell I was in and He did. Then He put Joe, Mark and Ariel in my life.

Here is your chance.

Sing for me.

I failed. I took it and I used it all for myself. I took the gift and I ran with it. A little spoiled kid who won't share.

I remember the last conversation I had with Mark before I drove down here. I know that he is so angry with me. I know that I hurt more people than just myself. He wished me luck and said he would pray for me. I told him that we were going to move mountains when I get out of here.

For the first time I really believe that through God all things are possible. There is no way I can explain being sober 30 days any other way.

Thank you Lord. Thank you God. I love you.

I pull my hoodie over my head and walk out into the downpour. I stretch my arms out and tilt my head to the heavens.

With my eyes closed I let God's rain wash my tears away.

Chapter 45

People are actually signing other people's AA Books.

It is exactly like signing High School yearbooks. It is the weirdest thing ever. I understand that people want to keep in touch but the reality of it is that we probably won't.

People brand new to sobriety really can't help each other out that much. I know that support is good but I have to find people that are farther along the path then I am. I do want to keep in touch with them and I do wish them ALL the best but I know that most just are not going to make it. I know that is a dangerous place for me. I know that I could get sucked right back into where I was.

I am taking ever last bit of advice given to me by my counselor Adam. I am going to get a sponsor as fast as I can when I leave here. I need a Mentor to guide me through the steps of recovery. As far as I am concerned I have only completed step one of the 12 step program.

We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable.

I still have 11 more to go and there is no way to do this alone.

My book gets marked up by all of my fellow addicts that I have had the pleasure of being around.

I look at what some people write and I realize that all of them write about the same thing in my book. My love for God.

I think that is when it hits me that I have allowed a small piece of God to break the surface.

Steve,

you don't know what a positive impact you have had on my life. Thank you for your prayers. Stay in touch.

Adam


Thanks for the prayers

Mike


Steve thank you for sharing the Lord and yourself with me.

Cathy


Steve, you wont ever know what you have done for me. I love your inner spirit for God it picks me up when I am down. Pick up the phone and share your joy and happiness with me. Please. I love you Brother.

Bill


Steve,

Thank you for everything. I really hope we continue to be a part of each others lives. Call me anytime and get your ass back to where your heart is... music!
I love you.

Jerrod


Dearest Steve,

I cannot begin to express and words cannot begin to describe how much your words have meant to me. In my many times of feeling so alone and frightened you always knew what to say. Your utter devotion to your spirituality is awe inspiring. I pray to find my own. The passion you have for sobriety leaves no doubt of your success. You have a kind and tender heart and I know you will have everlasting peace and happiness. God bless and keep you ALWAYS.

Thank you

Susan


Dear Brother Steve,

Thank you for being there and praying with me and believing in me. You don't know what that means to me. You are a good man and the Lord will fill your life with blessings. Keep in touch. We all need brotherly love on this journey through life.

Hawaii Eric


Steve,

you are going to carry the message that He asks each one of us to do. You will always remain close to me.

Mike D.


Steve,

I've truly enjoyed getting to know you. You are an incredible person with so much love to give. Take care of yourself out there- be good!

Love Lacey


I read each one of these and I feel completely unworthy. In my mind I am still a worthless addict with not much to offer. The man that I am reading about in my book isn't me.

Exactly.

It isn't me.

********************************

I wake up on my last full day in rehab on the floor outside of my room. I have a new roommate and I have never heard snoring like this guy puts out. I actually feared for my life at one point during the evening so I grabbed my big fluffy pillow and slept outside. The rumble could still be felt.

I can't believe that I am 30 days clean and sober. My first true milestone in sobriety. I feel good.

I feel really good.

Cozmo and I hit the YMCA in the morning for the last time. We play hoops with Curtis and have a great time. They both have a few more days. I will leave in the morning. It is all a little surreal to me right now. I am actually scared to death.

We hit breakfast and I eat about two pigs worth of bacon. I am really going to miss morning breakfast here. Eggs and bacon and french toast. The food was awesome. Eating so well and working out twice a day has made a serious impact on me. I have lost about 15 pounds and It feels fantastic. I have more energy than I know what to do with.

In our all-facility morning meeting I get to say my goodbyes to everyone. After that I meet up with Adam to talk about what comes next. He tells me again to get a sponsor and really work this program. He thinks I have as good a shot at it as anyone.

I tell him I feel the same way.

I spend most of the day talking to people and wishing them well. I know that A few of them from the Portland area will actually be in my year long after care group that will meet weekly.

Lacey and I talk quite a bit today. I am going to miss this girl.

******************************************

My last off site AA meeting.

John behind the wheel of the Druggie Buggie. Cozmo and I once again laughing at the fact we never killed ourselves drinking and driving but still may die anyways in a treatment center econo-van.

The meeting is at a church that we haven't been to before.

We walk in and I can't help but smile when I see Dale sitting around the circle. Dale, the old man that cried and made me realize that I want what he has. The reason that the words "Never Forget Dale and tears of joy" are written on the inside cover of my AA book.

I thank God right then and there that this man is at my final meeting down here.

It is a great meeting. There is a man there that is celebrating 57 years. I have 30 days today and this man has 57 years. The beauty of AA.

When the floor is opened up I raise my hand.

I looked at Dale and I told him how much his tears had meant to me. I told him that I was so scared and when I felt how much gratitude he had it changed something in me. It was very emotional for me. He looked at me and like he couldn't believe what I was saying.

I just wanted to tell him thank you.

He just nodded at me and I could see that he was fighting back tears.

If something I said touched you in such a way I can only tell you it wasn't me. It was God. I am just an old drunk who is willing to be thankful.

and that's all I gotta say about that.

The came to the point in the meeting where they asked if anyone was celebrating time. I raised my hand.

My name is Steve and I am an alcoholic. I have 30 days.

Dale stood up and grabbed the 30 day coin and he was the one that gave it to me. He walked over and he gave it to me and he hugged me. This old man who I didn't really even know gave me the best hug.

All of it started to make a little more sense. Not just the program but life. Here I was thinking that Dale had done so much for me and at that moment I know he was feeling like I had done so much for him.

I saw something in that old man.

A willingness to serve.

I knew that I wanted to hold on to this lesson very tight.

Chapter 44

Fishbowl.

Today is the day that I have been dreading. Second to last day here and it is fishbowl day. I guess this is a right of passage.

Fishbowl consists of the addict, his or her family and the other addicts and family members that are leaving the facility that week. There is also a counselor in the room.

Each addict gets to take his or her turn sitting in front of family members and hearing them tell you exactly how your addictions has made them feel. How it has hurt them.

Feelings.

I have seen people come out of this room before and it isn't pretty. So much pain and built up anger. There has been explosions in these meetings. This is perhaps the only time the family of an addict has had the opportunity to release what they have felt. It is intense and it is a humbling experience.

Cozmo and I get to do it together. This is the one thing that makes me feel like I can do this. Our brother Curtis is also in the room with his Mom and Dad and the three of us have been trying to imagine what all of this is going to be like. I know that my parents aren't here to punish me and tell me what a bad Son I have been, in fact it is the opposite. They are here because they support me. That is huge in this whole process. Cozmo has his entire family, little brother included, sitting with him and so does Curtis.

Listening to the pain and fear in the voices of family is tough. This is real emotion. Curtis sits and listens to his Mom and Dad tell him about the pain his addiction has caused. Cozmo does the same. Family members take turns talking about whatever they want and the addict just has to listen and not say a word. After they are finished you can say your peace. Then anyone in the room can talk about what they see or what they have seen.

The thing that is also tough to see is the other addicts that are in the room that didn't have any family show up at all. The chick with the roots is in the room and she is alone. She doesn't say a word the whole time.

Listening to my Mom and Dad talk about the effects of my addiction on them tore a hole in me. My Father is a strong man. A retired Naval Commander. To hear his voice crack makes my stomach turn.

So many sleepless nights wondering if they were going to get the call. All the car wrecks and all the time spent hiding from my family.

My Mom just wants her son back.

She just wants her baby boy.

Most of all they just want me to be happy once again. The truth is they want the very best for me and they always have. My Dad tells me that he really hopes this sticks. That I don't take the easy way out and I really put my heart into this.

I can only get out a few words.

I will. I am so sorry.

*******************************************

All three of us have to take a little break away from the families after the experience. Cigarettes were smoked as if they were the very things sustaining life in us.

We just smoked in silence, occasionally glancing at each other and shaking our heads as we exhaled huge clouds of smoke.

There just really isn't much more to say after you have gone through that. We just all listened to years worth of pain wrapped into about an hour and half. I know that I don't ever want to put the people I love into a situation like that again.

After a couple smokes we head back in for lunch. I don't think any of us had a stomach for eating.

On the way in I see Lacey.

So you got to go through the fishbowl.

Ohhh yeah.

How was it?

It was just as tough as they said it was going to be. I am pretty drained from it.

We sat and talked for quite a while. She is sunshine to me in here. We have gotten to know each other pretty well and I really want to keep in touch when I get out of here. She will be in for another three weeks or so.

As always, Aaron comes walking through the courtyard and joins in our conversation.

This guy is killing me.

Chapter 43

I am getting pretty anxious.

In three short days I will be leaving. I will be back out in the real world with the same temptations. I know that the world I left to come in here hasn't changed one bit. I have become a master of the "Serenity Prayer" during these moments. The moments where I feel so helpless.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference"

I don't know what it is about this prayer but it connects with me. It is so pure and filled with truth. The serenity or the peace inside to just accept all the crap of the world. I can't change other people. I can't always have things go MY way. The courage to change the things I can. That means my reactions to the world, my way of thinking, who I put my trust in. This is the "me" stuff. I have to change "me", not all the others around me to fit my own selfish needs.

...and the wisdom to know the difference

To actually know the difference between the two.

So here I am having yet another anxiety attack about getting out of here and I am repeating this over and over in my head until it sticks. I am scared about getting out and I am scared about failing. When it comes to not drinking and using, "forever" seems like an impossibility. I have been sober 29 days and it has been the biggest challenge of my life. There hasn't been one day at all that has been easy. In meetings you hear the phrase "One Day at a Time" and that is the truth. If I start future trippin' I will drive myself crazy.

I have spent way too much time already in my life worrying about stuff that never happened. I wasted so much time on future thoughts and never lived for right now. That is the one thing I tell myself I am going to do when I leave here. Live in the moment. Don't be so worried about what might happen in the future because my experience has shown that most of it never comes to fruition.

I have been thinking so much about God lately. It is hard for me to think He isn't at least slightly mad at me. All these gifts He trusted me with and I just go and mess it all up.

I stood up in front of people as a "Christian" singer and I played under the influence of drugs and alcohol.

Guilt.

The one thing that I know is going to take serious work.

Some days I just feel like I am clothed in it.

******************************************

We actually have a spirituality class today. There is a woman who leads this class and she is actually the pastor here. I don't even know if she is a pastor. I just like to think of her as "Godly" and that seems to be enough for now.

I know her from a meeting we had one on one. I needed to really talk to her about my divorce. I have really been bothered by the fact that I have been married and failed.

I just keep thinking that God hates divorce. I think of the simple marriage vows.

Until death do you part.

In talking with her she really made me feel a little better. First and foremost she told me that divorce WAS a sin and shouldn't be thought of any differently.

A sin is a sin.

Our relationship was never centered on God. Not even close. She told me to focus on the love of God and his ability to forgive sin. Until death do us part. The moment she laid a hand on me was the moment the death of any love we had died.

Really, the feelings we had weren't "love" as God intended. True "Love" is focused and centered in God. I see what she is talking about but realize I have a long way to go. I just know it feels good to look for the answers in the right place for once.

A sin is a sin.

He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone

I know that God and I are going to be having quite a few talks in the near future.

So we are all sitting in the TV room and talking about God and the power of prayer. Well, we are talking about a "higher power" that some of us choose to call "God" and the power of prayer. This is the "politically correct" way of dealing with the disease.

One of the new guys is putting up a huge God fight. He claims to be an atheist and says that no God exists.

Explain to me then how prayer works. How can you prove to me that it does? How does it work?

I loved how she approached this guy with a gentleness.

I can't.

That's because it's all bullshit!

She looks at him and asks a simple question.

Can you tell me exactly how that TV works? Every time you go and press the on button do you think about "how it works" or do you just know and trust that it will?

Silence.

Do you need to have the knowledge of how that TV works to turn it on? No, you don't. You only need to trust that every time you press that button it works.

Prayer is the same way.

It only requires that you have a small amount of trust.

I just smile a little bit.

I am going to miss this place.

Chapter 42

I am coming to the realization that rehab isn't going to "cure" me. I see a lot of the people in here who I know just aren't going to make it.

It saddens me but I have to almost ignore it.

In all honesty I am here for me. Only me.

I believe that is the only way this is going to work for me. If I start trying to get sober for my family, for my friends, for a woman or whatever other reason I can think of I know it won't work.

I have to do this for myself. I have to do it because "I" want it. I can't let other people dictate the way I am going to live my life anymore. I am terrified at this fact because I don't know where the road leads after I leave here.

Word gets around when people fail. Rehab is no different then school or work. People still love to gossip about other people's business.

More like, people LOVE to gossip about other people's pain.

That's really what it breaks down to. People love to talk about the failures of others so that their own failures can be minimalized or justified in one way or another. It isn't any different in here. People sit in the courtyard and talk about those that got out a week ago and hardly made it past the first convenience store.

Addicts can talk.

Addicts can justified ANYTHING. I often laugh at my thought process. How my mind can work overtime to convince me that I don't have to actually "quit" drinking and drugging. I just need to "control" it. I can't even explain how many times a day this gets tossed back and forth in my head.

Today I just sit alone and smoke.

I am tired. Really tired.

My time is almost done here and I am tired. I feel like my mind just needs a rest. All of this that I am facing, I am facing for the first time without drinking or using drugs. Just me. Just me and God.

What has all of it meant.

Why am I still here.

What does God want from me.

Who am I going to be when I leave.

That is the big one for me. Who am I. Really, who am I? Up to this point in my life I have made a few people smile and I have done a great deal of entertaining but all of that really hasn't brought me joy. In truth, it has brought me pain.

I know that there is so much more to me. I have so much more I could give if I just knew how to get myself out of the way. Get my ego out of the picture. Take what others think out of the picture.

As I watch the smoke rise in the brisk March air I want to scream.

The weight of these thoughts are just so heavy on me. I can't do this on my own.

I can't do it all alone. I will fail.

I will fail because I always have.

By the time I light my third cigarette I have company. Her name is Susan and she is maybe 40 years old. She is a housewife with 2 kids and she is an alcoholic. She cries almost every time I see her.

Tears, man, all these tears.

I met her family on family day. Her husband and her son and daughter. Her son was 10 or so and I could tell he was a kid after my own heart. He loved heavy music and loved skateboarding and the whole "extreme sports" gig. I instantly liked the kid and he liked me.

Susan has been just kicking the crap out of herself over her kids, and rightly so. She hasn't been a good Mom. She has been a drunk. It isn't the disease that makes her the bad Mom, it is the fact that she didn't get help sooner.

This is the same thing that makes me a bad Son. We both are lucky enough to have a second chance and make things right.

We talk about her family and we talk about God. She is scared just like I am about getting out and falling right back into the same patterns that defined us in the outside world. We prayed about it.

She cried.

She doesn't know what to do about her son because he, in her words, "hates my guts".
I don't know why but I asked her if I could write him a letter. She said she would love that. She told me that he thought I was "cool". He liked that I played music and liked the same things he did.

She was smiling when she walked away.

I went back to my room and grabbed a pen and paper and headed back out to the courtyard.

I wrote a letter to this 10 year old boy and told him that I understood why he was mad. I told him that he should be. I told him that right now I wasn't the best guy to look up to. I let him know that I started making really bad choices at his age and that he was going to have to make the same choices at some point.

The most important thing I told him was that his Mom loves him. She has been sick but is trying to get better.

I hate this disease.