Chapter 63

Playing and writing music with Mark and Joe is a beautiful thing in my life.

I know in my heart that God has been trying to do something with all of us for quite some time. The way we all met, how it was all put together, could only be described as an act of God.

When I first met them and started playing with them I was at such a low point in my life. I was having such a hard time with everything. I was just coming out of a terrible marriage and I just didn't think that I could have any happiness.

I didn't know if playing in this band, "I Am", was the right thing to be doing. I knew I wanted to play but is it the best thing for me. About the third week of playing with them I started really suffering from some serious anxiety in my life. At this time I had a Jeep whose windshield wipers never worked. This night driving out to Joes house to practice was particularly dark and stormy.

The rain was coming down at a rate that was making it almost impossible for me to drive.

It was frustrating me to the point of tears.

It was one of those "nothing is ever going to go easy on me" moments. I was literally arguing out loud with God while I was driving on highway 217.

ARE YOU EVER GOING TO GIVE ME A BREAK?

ARE YOU EVER GOING TO JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?

I was so frustrated. I really needed to know if I was doing the right thing by devoting my energy to this band. Is this really what God wants me to do? Was it just one big coincidence that I prayed to Him and it seemed like He answered by giving me a new boss who happened to be a Pastor? That same boss introduced me to Joe who, together with Mark, had been praying for a singer. Am I just making it out to be something that it isn't?

Over and over in my head I had these questions. Finally I just screamed out loud to God.

IF THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME THEN SHOW ME!

At the split second those words left my mouth my windshield wipers came to life.

I broke down in a mixture of laughter and tears. It was to a point where I couldn't control the outpouring of emotion. I had to actually pull my Jeep off of the highway.

I got out in the pouring rain and through my laughter and tears looked skyward and yelled

SERIOUSLY, JUST A SMALL SIGN WILL DO!



************************************************

Here we are again some three years later.

We are all different.

With each time we get together we grow closer again. It seems that God can heal broken relationships if they are honestly brought to the foot of the cross. I am trying to still wade through all the guilt issues I have in my life. That seems to be the biggest bi-product of my drinking and using.

Guilt.

Slowly I am learning to really put it all in God's hands. It is still very hard for me to let it all go. Part of me still holds on despite all of the work I have done. It is hard to fathom that this is going to be a lifelong struggle for me.

I will always be an addict.

I will always be an alcoholic.

If I chose to drink again I know in my heart it will kill me and I can guarantee that it won't be pretty.

I am amazed by my two brothers. They are showing me love when I probably don't deserve it. I never thought that they would really understand what I was going through. Especially when I was going through it. I thought that I was so unique in my suffering.

Terminal uniqueness.

I am seeing now that I have never been alone. Everyone has pain and everyone falls short of the glory of God.

Mark has really been opening up more and sharing his past experiences. It pains me to know that he has done this before with me but I really didn't see our similarities. I was so blind.

I am excited to see what God has in store for all of us.


**************************************************

It is a vivid dream.

In the dream I am playing guitar and singing the phrase "More like your Son".

I wake up and I know that I have to get my pen and notebook. I know that I am going to have to grab my guitar. I get up and look at the clock and it reads 3:15 AM. I sit Indian style on my bed with my guitar. I pluck out a very simple bass line. I hear a distinct melody in my head. I just start writing.

I once was lost inside
not that long ago
longing to be free
so unsure of where to go
all that I've know
everything I've felt
It took me from your Grace
as I glorified myself
Glorified myself

Standing strong I'm a man
thankful for all you've done
I'm trying harder every day
To be more like Your Son

Now inside I've grown
much stronger I've become
now I long for love
the love of a Father's Son
Standing strong I am
the man that I've become
a little closer every day
a little more like Your Son

I write the song in a single sitting and I know that when I take it to Mark and Joe they will add their influence to it. I feel very close to God at this moment. I feel like I am starting to listen to what He wants.

I still know it will be no easy road.


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Chapter 62

The feelings I have towards her seem to overpower any rational judgment.

From the very first moment I met her it seems I made my mind up that she was the one that I was destined to be with. She has driven me to do more than my share of stupid things.

The good that I feel from her seems to always outweigh the bad.

We have everything in common.

Well, almost everything. There is a little thing called "belief in God" that we differ on.

She comes from the "Biology" view of the world. Still I pursue her. I pursue her without consulting anyone else, even God.

This pursuit leads me to a one on one meeting with Lacey. I tell her that I think it is best that we don't see each other. I think that I am doing the right thing. Should two addicts be together? What if one of us relapses? Isn't that more dangerous?

Justification.

We talk and I tell her that she should concentrate on her son and getting her own place. I tell her a lot of things. What I don't mention is Krista. Lacey knows all about her. I talked to her many times about how my heart was broken.

I watch as she cries. This time the tears aren't about what she has been through. The tears are caused by me.

From the moment I found out that Krista had moved back from Colorado I had made my mind up. I was going to make it work this time.

I was in control.

*******************************************

Lacey and I avoided each other at aftercare meetings for a while.

I was still in the same group. Several people had come and gone. That is just the nature of the beast.

Tattoo Eric is one of them.

Life seemed to have gotten in the way of his recovery and he just stopped coming. I called him a few times and I never got calls back.

I continue to pray for him. I just hope that my gut feeling is wrong and he just started going to meetings on his side of town.

It is good to be in a men's group every week with the same guys. Everyone really gets to know each other and we get to keep each other accountable. You start to see through people's crap in a small group. We call each other on it.

I have some great guys in my group.

We talk outside of the meetings and I see some of them at A.A. meetings all over town. I trust these guys and they trust me.

There is a new kid in outpatient. He started showing up a couple weeks ago. He is convinced that he doesn't need to work a program at all. He is convinced that the only reason he is here is because of a D.U.I. that he got. He says he doesn't have a problem.

Well today he talks about his past.

Two months ago his father found him hanging by his neck and cut him down. His Father found him in time to save his life.

He tells this story and the rest of us just look at him in complete disbelief.

The funny thing about recovery groups is the bluntness.

He tells this story and I look at him and say

Let me get this straight. Your Dad found you hanging by your neck because you tried to kill yourself and you DON'T think you have a problem?

We all kinda laugh. It isn't that we are making fun of him at all. All of us laugh because we know how sick this disease makes us. How much it lies to us about who we really are.

My approach really pisses this kid off.

I tell him straight up that I am not trying to do anything to make him angry and if I have I am sorry. I just want him to hear what it is that all the rest of us hear. I told him about my experience with wanting to kill myself. So did a couple other guys.

He calmed down.

We are all in this group to help each other out.

Our counselor Leeza lets us talk things out. Some days it gets ugly. It gets real ugly. There is a couple guys in group that call me an AA Natzi. I've been called worse so it doesn't phase me. I know in my heart what has worked so far. I know in my heart what is bringing me closer to turning my will over to God.

After the group the kid comes up and asks me what a sponsor is. I shared my experience with getting mine. I told him to go to a meeting and find someone who had what he wanted. Someone that would really work the program with him.

He said he would do that.

I gave him my number and told him he could call me any time.

************************************************

I started really golfing a lot.

There is no better way to try and relax and gain some serenity then playing the most frustrating sport in the world. It is good for me though. It teaches me how to fail gracefully over and over again. Something that has eluded me for years.

The best part of the game is that moment you hit a perfect shot.

It feels so good to taste a piece of perfection after so much failure.

Golf is a sport that I really struggle with. My Dad loves to golf and actually works out at a golf course one day a week so he can golf there free. I want to get better at the game so we can play together. It is a great way to spend 4 hours with my Dad.

Every Summer my family has gone to the Oregon coast and stayed for a week. We all get together and golf and have a great time. This Summer will be my first time sober. It should be interesting. I just want to play as much golf as I can before we go this year.

Luckily, my sponsor Jeff is a golfer also.

He and I play quite a bit. It is good to just get out and smoke cigars and talk about life. Some of our best talks happen out on the golf course. He is becoming so much more than a sponsor to me. He is like a big brother. Someone who knows the pain I am feeling because he has been there also.

Through Jeff I meet a lot of guys that have some serious time in the program. It solidifies the fact that the program works.

If you work it.

Chapter 61

Mark and Joe have been busy since I have been away.

I think it has been close to a year since we have played together. We have chatted on the phone and shot some emails back and forth but after the band fell apart we went separate ways.

They had families and I had Jack Daniels.

There is a great deal of uncomfortableness at first. They have another guy named Mark who has been playing guitar with them in the studio. I don't know him at all and I can only imagine what he has heard about me. We all know that this isn't going to be easy. The amends process has just started but the wounds aren't healed.

We decide, after some small talk, to just play. Let the music do the talking.

A little jam session.

It didn't take long at all to get into it. We picked a couple of our old tunes and for the first time in a long time, Mark and I were able to harmonize together.

One voice.

From that first time we sang together five years prior I have known that together we create one voice. After being in rehab and going through the last few months this was the sweetest sound I had heard in a long time.

I look over at Joe.

He is sitting behind his kit, hitting his drums with a big smile on his face.



Where is this life I saw, the life I saw
when I was so young?
A life in happiness, in bliss, before this suffering began
with visions of a child the darkness of this world
just passed me by
My innocence has aged and finally I can
read between the lines

When will I find my way
to a better land?
When will I be the one
to hold on to Your hand
When will I find a way
to say look a better day
When will I?

Hope is not gone within me
just momentarily delayed
I promise you my passion for this life
won't ever fade away
moving forward now I see happiness
ain't so far today
My eyes are opened now
and I dream of the day that I can say

When will I find my way
to a better land?
When will I be the one
to hold on to Your hand
When will I find a way
to say look a better day
When will I?


We sing this song and the words I wrote years ago seem to actually be coming to life. I think that I am finally finding my way to that better land. Finding a way to finally hold God's hand and not let go.

We play for some time. The other Mark leaves and it's just the three of us. The old band minus Ariel.

I want to come back and play.

They both are open to the idea but also want to make sure that I don't go back to the man I was before. I talk to them about the entire recovery process for me. What I am going through and what I do on a daily basis to stay sober.

The one thing that we all agree on is we need to be centered in Christ. I haven't had a home church in a long time. We decide that we should start going to Mark's church together. I am completely for the idea.

We make the decision that we are going to try and play together again. The three of us form the band "Jubalingen". This was a name Mark had been kicking around back in the "I Am" days. It comes from the book of Genesis. Depending on what translation of the Bible you look at, Jubal was the Father of all who play the flute, harp and organ. He also is called the inventor of the instruments in some translations. To us he is the first musician talked about in the Bible and that is a cool thing. He is talked about IN GENesis so Mark put together the name "JUBAL IN GEN".

Most importantly we just want to finish what we started five years ago.

Our band bio held everything we wanted to do.

Jubalingen: A thinking man's band with a heart for seeking, knowing, living and sharing the truth. To take a stand in sharing that knowledge,in hope of bringing resolution to matters that we all deal with on a daily basis, proclaiming why there is hope in every struggle. Keeping our eyes and hearts on the Lord through all that we do.

I want nothing more.

*******************************************

Sitting and watching Bob the Builder with Lacey's son, I convince myself that this isn't what I want.

I convince myself that I just can't be in a relationship with a girl that has a child that isn't mine.

I have been more distant towards Lacey since I met with Krista. I know that is what this is really about. It is about me being selfish once again.

The doorbell rings and Lacey answers it.

It is Aaron from rehab. He stopped by to say hello. I know that he LOVES seeing me there. He was never happy that Lacey and I got along in rehab. I knew from the start that he was interested in her. You can tell those kind of things.

I end up leaving. I am not at all mad when I leave but I can tell that Lacey is feeling that something is going on with me.

I need time to think about what I really want.

I have been bringing everything before God in prayer.

Everything but my love life.

********************************

Being in church with Mark and Joe is awesome.

There is a mid-week prayer service that Mark thinks will be great for us. I had never heard Mark's Pastor speak before.

He blew me away.

His name was Ron Mehl and he had been a Pastor at this church for thirty years. Twenty three of these years he spent battling leukemia. Mark tells me he is an amazing author also who has written a dozen books. The fact that he has leukemia hasn't slowed this guy down one bit. He still does five services a week.

I just like his approach. He is gentle and has a loving nature about him. The one thing I felt from the very moment I heard him speak was a presence of God. The Holy Spirit worked through this guy like no one I had ever heard.

Everyone got comfortable for the prayer time.

Most kneeled, facing towards the padded cushion of the pews. That looked good to me so I did the same.

Everyone just prayed as the music played and Pastor Ron spoke.

It was powerful.

I had been spending a lot of time in prayer at home. It seemed like I was always praying where ever I was. This was different. I was in a room full of people doing the same thing and it broke me.

I sobbed openly and without reservation.

It wasn't tears of pain. It was something different.

Tears of gratitude.

God was starting to do for me what I could not do for myself.

Freeing me from all of my past mistakes.

Chapter 60

The list is something that is causing me a great deal of anxiety.

Am I really willing to do whatever it takes?

Step 9- "Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others"

What does that mean? Injure them or others?

I have also been going to some step meetings in the past three months. Each week the topic is one of the twelve steps. I like these meetings because I get to hear from people who have experience.

The ninth step meeting was two weeks ago.

We went around the room and took turns reading a paragraph on the ninth step in the 12 and 12 book. The step is all about the right attitude.

and about a huge trust in God.

People in the meeting talk about the mistakes they have made in this step. The harm that they have done in disclosing too much information to someone that actually hurts them more than they were originally hurt.

We want forgiveness but not at the expense of others. We also have to be careful not to do any more harm to ourselves. The step is about being willing to forgive ourselves. To love ourselves and others enough to take responsibility and being ready to accept the consequences.

The hardest part is to not blame the other person at all for my actions. It isn't about their right or wrong. It is about mine.

Let go, Let God

So the journey begins.

Before each amend I pray. I ask God to guide my heart and my words. I pray that the person I am making amends to will understand that I am making steps towards change. Most of all I pray that God controls the outcome and not myself.

I only have control over me.

The face to face amends are the hardest.

I am straight and to the point. I let them know that I am clean and sober and my intention is to ask forgiveness for my wrongs.

Here is what I did.

I never meant to hurt you.

Please forgive me.

I don't wallow in the problem. I hit it head on and then let the person respond. Most of the time it goes better than I ever expected.

There is quite a few women I owe amends to. I try and reach as many as I can. Most all of them thank me and tell me that it was no big deal at all.

I thank them and tell them it is a very big deal to me.

Humbling.

There is also amends that require restitution. My roommate is one of my best friends in the world. I live in his house. At one point, well over a year ago, I found a hundred dollar bill in our easy chair. I knew he had lost it. I spent it anyways.

Well I came to him in the same way I did the others. I also came to him with a hundred dollar bill in hand. I told him that I was not only embarrassed that I kept it but ashamed.

He called me an ass and said we were cool.

Gotta love guys.

Family amends were next. Asking my Mom and Dad for forgiveness for the stress and heartache I had put them through. Forgiveness for not being the best Son I could be. Forgiveness for not making them as proud as I should.

They both just want me to keep doing what I am doing. They want me to stay sober. They just really want me to be happy.

I owe huge amends to Joe and to Mark, my bandmates.

I used our band for my own personal glorification. I walked all over them at times in my quest for the spotlight. I lied to them. I didn't allow them to help me. I didn't let know me and know the real pain that I was going through.

I didn't respect our friendship and their love for me.

My brothers were a reflection of Christ's forgiveness. They loved me and told me they supported me. We began a healing process that included me making amends to Mark's wife also. I had lived with them for a short period of time and I had been less than respectful of her home. I know that it is going to take much more than words for all of them to fully forgive. It is going to take action and time.

They will have to see me walking the walk.

The beautiful thing is they love me enough to walk along side of me.

We decide that we really want to get back to playing music together but only for the right reasons. The glorification of God. We want to have a true music ministry. The most important thing is to focus on becoming brothers again.

It is going to be a long and rewarding road.

The amends process is emotionally draining. There is a few that I don't know how to handle. My ex-wife being the biggest. I come to the conclusion that it would not be in either of our best interests for me to try and contact her.

...except when to do so would injure them or others

I think there is only one way for me to handle it.

I sit and I write a letter to her. I ask for forgiveness for being a terrible husband, for the name calling, for the disfunction. In the letter I tell her that I wish her all the best in the world.

I have held onto the pain of this relationship for far too long. I have held the anger. I have held the shame. I have not let the scars heal. I know the only way to free myself from it is forgiveness.

I put the letter in a white envelope with only her first name on it, nothing more. I put a stamp on the envelope and I drop it in the mailbox across the street.

I vow to pray for her everyday.

I release her.

********************************************

I make the decision to contact Krista.

I know in my heart that it probably isn't the best idea but I have to clear everything up.

I sit at work and try and figure out if email is going to be the best way. We haven't talked on the phone for quite some time.

I will make the phone call.

I don't remember her work phone number in Colorado so I look it up on my computer. She works for the same company I do so it should be easy.

I have to triple check when her information comes up on the screen.

It says that she is working in downtown Portland.

I dial the number with my stomach in my throat. It is a local number and she answers.

I am silent. I can't think of what I want to say.

Hello?

"Hey" is all I can get out.

She recognizes my voice and asks how I am.

When did you move back?

Two months ago. We weren't talking so I didn't tell you. I didn't want to mess with your recovery. I have been thinking about you and hoping that you are doing ok.

Yeah. I am good.

I am completely stunned that she is back in Portland. It was the last thing I ever expected. We talk for quite some time. She tells me that she had been thinking about coming back for a long time. She bought a house and got a better job with the company here.

It feels really good to talk to her. We get along very well when she isn't lying to me. The hardest thing about her is she is a very sweet girl and we have amazing amounts of laughs together.

Justification.

Lots of times it isn't about the alcohol and drug addiction at all.

**********************************************************

We meet in Washington Park at the rose gardens.

I haven't seen her in a very long time.

The second I see Krista I realize that I am nowhere near over her.

I am making so much progress in my recovery. My day to day life is very hard but I am finding new strength that I really never knew I had. My relationship with God was starting to really build and so is my relationship with Lacey.

I was the one that set this meeting up. I called her and told her that I needed to meet with her to make amends.

I am lying to myself.

This meeting isn't about amends at all.

Chapter 59

Cozmo has about a three day head start on sobriety.

I think he was in jail and it wasn't really a choice though.

Both of us have just hit our 90 days sober. He invites me down to go to a meeting in Corvallis so we can both get our coins together. He says he has a hell of a surprise.

I drive down on a Friday after work and plan on staying the whole weekend. He and I try and get together as much as we can. People from rehab are dropping all around us. I get calls from guys that say

Did you hear about so and so... yeah they went back out...

I usually answer with

No, but thanks for the uplifting and positive news!

In actuality my sick mind thinks of it in terms of that 15% that make it. Each person that fails means my stock goes up.

Sad but true.

I get to Bryce's house and give his Mom and big hug and a kiss. She is such a great woman. They also have the best golden retriever in the world named Bubba. I haven't had a dog for a long time and I sure miss the love of a good dog.

Cozmo and I are cut from the same cloth.

We share the same loves in life. Both of us are competitive to almost a fault. Anything between us can be turned into a competition. Pool is one thing we both love. Tiger Woods golf on the playstation is the other.

We spend hours playing that game.

The amount of trash talk is almost unbearable.

All in love though, all in love.

The meeting that Bryce wants to take me to is on Saturday night. It is a chip meeting that they do once a month. It is a big meeting that has several people leading it.

We sit down and right away I see what the big surprise is.

No way.

Bryce just looks at me and says


and that's all I gotta say about that!

Sitting up in the front row is Dale, the amazing man from rehab. The man who's name will forever be written in the front of my Big Book.

Bryce had come to this meeting before with his sponsor and saw that Dale came to it also. Bryce's sponsor told him that Dale was quite a popular guy around these parts.

I can't imagine why.

We sit through the meeting and they start handing out the coins. When it comes to the three month coins we stand and get ours. I walk over to Dale, coin in hand.

I don't know if you will remember me but you came and spoke at Serenity Lane about 3 months ago. You gave me my one month coin down in Eugene at Emerald Baptist.

He shook my hand and looked at me inquisitively.

and then it hit him.

He was unsteady as he stood, but he did stand. He hugged me and I once again felt the power of the program through this man.

Good for you. You keep coming back, Son. God won't fail you.

I smile and hug him again.

Thanks again, Dale. You are a big part of what changed my view of sobriety.

Oh no. It was God, son. It was always God.


************************************************


I spend the rest of the weekend with Cozmo and, as always, we have a great time. The hardest thing for both of us is dealing with being bored. Alcohol and drugs can kill a tremendous amount of boredom.

I have heard it said in many a meeting that "if you are bored you must be boring."

I have never been one to be called boring but a tremendous amount of that excitement was fueled by help. I am just starting to scratch the surface of who I really am without the drugs and without the alcohol.

Cozmo and I talk about it quite a bit. Sometimes we get into the dangerous ground of "remember when".

In my mind I can glorify my use. I can glorify drinking. Make it to be something that it isn't. My addicts way of justifying. Left untreated this way of thinking can be very dangerous.

I can't ever forget who I am.

Where I came from.

What it is that is making me whole once again.

**********************************************

I get together with Jeff when I get home. He wants me to start on one of the most difficult steps in the program.

The beginning of amends.

Step 8- Made a list of all people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all

I have been looking at my own moral inventory. What are my bad actions? What are my sins?

Now it is time to become the most humble I will hopefully ever have to be.

How have my actions effected others?

As an alcoholic and addict I like to place blame for my disease. I can think about how my ex-wife treated me and it will justify the fact that I get drunk over it.
Like anyone who has gone through hardship, it is easier to place the blame on others then it is to step up and take responsibility for yourself. Even if we are completely and rationally justified in our resentments or actions we have to look at our own faults.

This step takes others completely out of the mix.

Without looking at what was done to us, what did we do to them. By focusing on the wrongs done to me I can minimize the actions on my end that were wrong. My crap isn't HALF as bad as what was done to me! Most of the time that statement is false. I am kept in bondage if I am not willing to forgive.

If I am willing to forgive myself I need to forgive others.

I also need to seek forgiveness.

I make the list.

I write down every person I can ever think of that I wronged. I put Krista on the list and I put my ex-wife on the list. There is no way that I can say I wasn't a terrible husband to her. No matter what transpired, I still was a very imperfect man.

The list takes quite a while to write.

Once again, Jeff tells me that I will benefit from being as thorough as I possibly can.

I bring him the list when I am done.

Are you willing to make amends to all of these people?

I just stare at him in silence.

Chapter 58

It feels dang good to be dressed up.

I haven't worn a suit in years. As I approach the front door I see a reflection of myself. I have no idea at all where this guy came from but he is lookin' good!

I knock on the door and Lacey's sister answers.

Hi Steve. Wow you guys are going to look great tonight.

Thanks.

She is just finishing up getting ready.

I sit and I talk with her husband, Jaime. Oddly enough I went to school with his older sister. Small world.

Breathless.

She entered the room and I was breathless. She was in an absolutely beautiful dress and looked amazing.

You look fantastic!

You are looking pretty good yourself.

We actually stand and just check each other out and we both come to the conclusion that we clean up very nicely. Not bad for a couple drug addicts.

I decided that it would be awesome to take Lacey to see The Phantom of the Opera. She had never been to a musical and I am a huge fan of any performing arts. We had gone a couple nights before to see Cedric the Entertainer. I got third row tickets for that show and we laughed our butts off. I can't even remember how long it has been since I really went out on a date.

A real date.

A get dressed up and hit the town kinda date.

Of course we have to get pictures taken by Lacey's sister. Lacey's mom really wants to have pictures of us all dressed up. I can imagine it has been a while since they had seen their "little girl".

Heroin addiction can be ugly.

We hit the town like we should. Head on and looking good.

We blend beautifully with the suits and gowns tastefully sipping wine in the foyer. Sipping wine is something I just don't understand. "Wine tasting" to me was just an opportunity for free drinks.

The complexity of this vintage is astonishing! We serve this red at a strict sixty-six degrees to avoid a "hot finish". The evolution and finish of this wine is unsurpassed by any other Pinot in the valley.

Yeah that's great buddy. Tip the bottle and fill me up. Sorry for beating you up in Grade School.

As we walk we get smiles from older ladies. We get quiet hellos and slight head nods of approval. It is nice to be acknowledged in that way. When I had long hair I rarely got those nods.

The Phantom is a beautiful musical with some of my favorite music. I sang a Phantom song at my Sister's wedding so it has a very special place in my heart. As the lights go down...

That organ music!

Dannnn.. dannnt dannnt dannnt dannnt dannnnt daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

I get shivers when I hear it. I squeeze Lacey's hand just a little bit. Get ready for a ride.

The musical is beautiful. I love the story of the Phantom. Christine is a beautiful singer who auditions for an Opera. She has a beautiful voice and when asked who is her teacher she can only say that she has been given musical lessons by her "Angel of Music". Her Angel is a voice only, someone whom she has never seen. This angel, she claims, was sent by her late father. The voice she hears turns out to be the Phantom, a disfigured musical genius who wants Christine to sing his music.

It is a love story and a story of jealously. Christine falls in love with Raoul, a patron of the opera house and childhood friend of hers. The Phantom is enraged by their love and comes in the form of Red Death to declare war on the couple and demand that his opera, Don Juan Triumphant be performed.

Raoul plans to trap the Phantom at the performance. Christine reluctantly agrees. The night of the show the plot fails and Christine is taken away by the Phantom to his lair at the Lake.

Down in the Phantom's lair, in my favorite moment, Christine confronts the Phantom with the fact that his true disfigurement is that of his soul, not his face.

When Raoul arrives the Phantom traps him and gives Christine the choice: stay with him or Raoul dies.

Christine makes the choice to simply kiss the Phantom.

Overwhelmed by this one act from Christine the Phantom lets them both go.

The mob that followed Raoul to the Phantom's Lair arrives and finds the Phantom alone sitting on his throne. As they close in he brings his cloak around his body and as they tear the cloak away the Phantom has vanished.

Leaving only his mask behind.

We leave the theater speechless. It is an amazing performance and one that I won't soon forget. I drive Lacey back to her house and we just enjoy some more time together. It was a wonderful night.

I drive back home and I can't get the story of the Phantom out of my head. The imagery of his mask. Christine's revelation that it wasn't his face that was deformed but his soul.

The mask was his jealousy and rage.

The Phantom, in my eyes, felt the one kiss from the most important thing in his life. A kiss that said I understand your pain and I don't fear you.

He releases her.

He releases the pain.

He sees the truth.

and most importantly...

he leaves the mask behind.

Chapter 57

My day to day life gets to be a little closer to normal, whatever that is.

I go to work. I go to my meeting. I go to the gym. I come home and I play music or Lacey comes over.

It is not the exciting life that I always dreamed of but it sure is beating the alternative. The one thing that I am really missing is my band. I am missing playing with Mark and Joe. I feel like a big part of my life isn't complete. I don't know if it is time yet to contact them. I drove quite a nail into our relationship that is going to take some time to heal.

Part of my program is going to deal with making amends to people. I want to start doing that right now but Jeff tells me that the steps are in order for a reason. I am not at that step yet.

I call Joe anyways just to say hello.

He and Mark have been back playing together again. Just the two of them. Joe asks me if I ever think about coming back. I tell him that I think about it every day. He wants to talk to Mark about it and see if it would be ok for me to come out and jam. I really want to do this but I also know that Mark probably doesn't trust me at all anymore.

I tell Joe to ask Mark but tell him that I am in no way pressuring the situation.

It feels great to be talking to Joe again. I just pray that Mark, Joe and I can somehow get back to being the brothers we once were.

*************************************************

I go to my first group conscience meeting.

That is the meeting after the regular meeting where decisions are made for the group. I am there because I want to get more involved in the meetings. I want to secretary a meeting a week. An A.A. secretary is a person that comes in early and sets everything up. You make the coffee pick the chairperson and read announcements. You also get to hand out any coins that people earn.

There is a 24 hour coin. This is the hardest coin, in my mind, to get and the most important. It is the first step towards salvation.

Then there are 30 day, 60 day, 90 day, six months, nine months and then years.

I carry my 24 hour and my two month coin with me at all times. When I am in the gym on the treadmill, I place my coin in front of me. It lets me know why I am here and it lets me know that no amount of physical pain can match the mental pain that I have put myself through.

The people that run the New Alternatives group have seen me every day for the last month or so. They give me a secretary job. It feels great to get this. It is a way for me to serve. A way to get out of myself and help others in a small way.

Jeff and I meet that night and he tells me I have a made a good choice to do service work. He says it will make a ton of difference in the long run.

He says that we are ready for one of the hard steps.

Step 4.

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves"

Be complete as you can be, Steve. Make a honest assessment of everything you have ever done wrong. Everything. Write down the secrets you were going to take to the grave with you.

I look at him like you HAVE to be joking.

He isn't.

The big book says that a business that doesn't take inventory will almost always go broke. Well, my friend, your butt is broke!

I love this guy.

I go home that night and start writing out my moral inventory. I write down every last sin that I can remember committing. Who had I wronged in this life? Who had I hurt? Who did I steal from? Who did I lie to?

It is the most overwhelming thing I have ever done.

and the most humbling.

Jeff has me also write out a list of resentments that I have and why.

Resentment, he says, is the biggest offender and the one that will send me back to the bottle or pipe every time. I had read that in the Big Book.

I made the list of my resentments. I made a list of my sin.

Sixteen pages and two days later I felt like I had been to hell and back. I can't believe what a complete pile of garbage I have been. I feel sick to my stomach when I hold this list.

It has everything I have tried to forget about.

Jeff told me to call him as soon as I finished. He didn't want me sitting on that list for too long without talking about it. I am opening doors that have caused me to drink myself stupid. Doors that hold the pain of my insecurities and doors that contain the chains that hold me back.

All of the things on this list can be categorized. What need was I trying to fill with each of these sins? Where was I at fault? How could I or what could I have done differently?

Financial insecurity? Emotional insecurity? Pride?

I call Jeff and he asks how I am doing after writing all of that. I tell him that I am not doing so hot. I feel like I just visited every mistake I ever made.

When do you want to meet and talk about it all? The next step is going to require you to tell me all of it.

I knew that was the case but right now I can't even imagine telling him some of the things on this list. What will he think of me? He is going to know my failures as a man, as a son, as a friend.

Steve, I promise you that what you tell me I will carry to the grave. There is nothing on that list that I haven't done or at least thought about doing in my own life.

I wouldn't be so sure about that, Jeff.

Let's get together and you can try me.

***************************************

Step 5- "Admitted to God, to ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs"

We sat in his car. I couldn't look him in the eye at all. I sat and held the pages in my hand and just read each one to him.

Humbled.

He didn't say a word to me as I read the list. When I got to the darkest secrets of my life, I paused. Not one other person in the world has ever heard what I was about to tell him. No other person ever will.

I cry. It hurts to see my sin. It hurts to confess my sin to him. It really hurts. The seven deadly sins. Greed, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, sloth and the biggest of all was pride.

All of them played out on sixteen pages.

I finish and I look at him for the first time and he is smiling.

I am proud of you. Not many people are willing to do this step.

Jeff then sat there and told me some of his secrets. He trusted me with some of him. When I stepped out of his car I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me. I am no longer running from my sins. I am facing each and every one of them for the first time and I am going to work through them, whatever the cost.

The next steps were calling me. I could feel them.

Step 6- "Were entirely ready to have God remove all of these defects of Character"

Step 7- "Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings"

I don't think I could ever be more ready to have God take away my defects of character. I had been ready for years and years but had just never been able to figure out how He could possibly do that. In my own mind I felt like I had sinned so bad that God could never forgive me.

The problem I was having with Step 6 was the same problem I have had for my whole life. Being entirely ready to accept God and believe that He and only He is the answer to my defects.

The answer to my sin.

Through all of this I am starting to see the truth. With all of my own power I could never stop drinking. Never. I couldn't stop taking drugs. I couldn't stop myself from reaching the lowest point in my life.

From the first time I asked God for help, on a urine soaked floor of a club, He showed me the way. I faltered from the path and the moment I finally saw that I had I called to Him and He was there, showing me the direction and showing me His will for me. When I shut off my own self-will and listen to His, beautiful things happen in my life.

I am ready.

I spend 2 hours in prayer that night. I tearfully and humbly come before God and I admit that I am a man driven by insecurity and sin. I ask to be molded. I pray to healed.

I ask for forgiveness.

Chapter 56

Step 3 in this program really makes me think.

"Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood him"

I have thought in so many ways that I had done this so many times before. The truth is I never even came close. This is the first real "action" step in the program. The first two steps just had me thinking about what I already knew. Alcohol and drugs had me at a point of powerlessness and I knew that only God could set me free.

Now I have to act on that.

It says I made a decision to turn my will over. Nobody is forcing me. I have to make a decision to turn it over.

All of it.

My whole life turned over to the care of God.

The word that Jeff points out to me is "Care". The CARE of God. It doesn't say neglect or anything else. It says "Care". God will take care of me if I just turn over the keys to my spiritual car and give Him the wheel for once.

My own self-will has been the barrier.

Willingness to give it to God is the next logical step. Jeff tells me that this step in the program will make all the difference in the rest of the steps. Align my will with the will of God and changes will happen.

All along it has been my own self-will. Trying to solve my problems with my own will instead of figuring out what God's will is for me in everything.

I start trying to figure this step out.

I start spending time every night in meditation. Not just praying to God but actually listening to Him. Quieting my mind and body enough to try and connect to that still small voice inside of me.

Prayer is the act of talking to God.

Meditation is shutting up and listening.

*********************************************

I get a call from Cozmo. He and I have been staying in very close contact since getting out. He is down in Corvallis which is a fairly short drive south of me.

What's up Cozmo? How are things?

Man, this shit is hard. You know how it is.

You staying sober?

What do you think? Of course I am. I am through with the hell. Hey, I heard that Hawaii Eric is getting people together down in Eugene for a barbecue and a meeting. You in?

Yeah, I could do that.

Cool. Swing by and pick my ass up then.

It is always good to talk to Bryce. He is a brother now. Nothing will take that away. I call Curtis up also and he is game for the meeting. I tell him that Bryce and I will pick him up for that.

The Three Lushkateers will ride once again.

*****************************************

It is a little odd seeing everyone again. I guess its just odd seeing them outside of rehab. We sit around and eat hamburgers and talk about what we all have been up to. I talk about how many meetings I have been hitting and also that I have a great sponsor. Not many others are going to meetings like I am.

I hear a rumor that Jerrod has relapsed. A couple others have gone back to drinking and using less than a month out of rehab.

Self-will.

People are openly mad about the others that have relapsed. I am just sad. I believed them in rehab when they said only 15% or so make it. Others called "BS" to it but I had a feeling they were telling the truth.

A lot of these guys live down here. A lot of them are relying on each other to keep them sober. A lot of them aren't going to make it based on that alone.

I am so worried about myself relapsing that I don't worry about anyone else.

I have love in my heart for all of them and I do want them to stay clean but I won't go down with any of them. I am not strong enough yet to pick myself back up.

We have a meeting.

Whenever you get 2 or more Alcoholics together you can have a meeting. You can get that healing going on.

Sounds very familiar to me.

"Whenever two or more are gathered...."

We stay for a while and then head out. We take Curtis back to his parents house and tell him to stay in touch. Bryce and I drive back to Corvallis. We stay at his parents house and shoot pool and play video games into the wee hours of the morning. He and I are brothers. I have a connection with him that I can't ever explain.

and I don't need to.

His family has opened their arms and home to me like I was a son. They see that Cozmo and I are good for each other. Positive influence.

We spend a great weekend hanging out.

He rides me like no other about Lacey. All in good fun.

We both are happy.

Right where we wanted to be.